Still Here...

 

I wanna be free, like the warm September wind, babe.
Say you'll always be my friend, babe. We can make it to the end...

- The Monkees

 

 

Wow, so I guess you guys assumed I died or something... I'm still here.

I guess, for the first time in a while, I really let go... And just... lived. I stopped obsessing. I guess I had this moment where I looked in the mirror and realized no matter how much weight I lost, I would never change what my body really is. I'll always be six inches too short and my nose will always be the wrong shape and my jaw will always be a pinch too square.... And as painful as that sounds, it was also really comforting at the time. Like okay, you know what, there's nothing I can do. I'm beating myself up for being ugly but that's the reality, I'm never going to be ideal, so there's no point in killing myself over it.

But it's not comforting anymore. I hate it. I hate gaining weight. I HATE being AVERAGE.

 

I still don't have a scale. I have no idea what I weigh. I started eating cereal with milk again. Like, every other morning. I just ate chinese take-out and feel absolutely gross. I won't go on. I feel so painfully ashamed of how I've been eating...

 

And nothing else in my life is going according to plan. 

So, here I am. Begging you beautiful ladies to take me back.

Please, please let me back in the club. I would love a great big group hug right now.

I feel like this is the only safe place for me to complain and mope and be down on myself. It's really nice to have this blog. I can vent all I want and no one hates me for being so "negative". 

Anyway... This post seems really odd to me... Being here again feels so weird.

But here I am.

And I'm done eating.

FUCK FOOD.