Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Going Away

 Sunshine, you're the best time I ever, ever had;
But I think I made you feel bad.
A black fly on your necktie time after time.

 Going Away
Thank you all so much, again, for all of the support and love on my last few posts. <3 It means so much to me. I'm sorry I had to disappear for a while, but I really need to get away from the computer for some time. I've been spiraling downward again. I seem to get in this pattern with blogger. It definitely takes my obsessing up a notch, because all I can think about is confessing what I've eaten on this blog, about ways to push myself harder, tips I can share with you all.. And after a few steady weeks of thinking I'm in control it suddenly becomes overwhelming and I nose-dive into binging and self-loathing.

That's not to say I'm leaving blogger or that I don't still love it and love the support and release it gives me. I just need to get my head on better and let Ana be the background noise in my head again, not the blaring siren she's been lately. When she's quiet it's easy to obey her. I know that sounds bass-ackwards, but if I start thinking about nothing but restricting, really I'm thinking about FOOD and eventually I snap and can't take it and want to stuff my face. Before blogger, it was just me, and it was simple: 500 calories a day, whatever. And I could do that. I've definitely taken it to a new level of crazy, and I need to knock it the fuck off lol.

But, on a total up-note, I'm going away with my boyfriend for a week, and while I wish I could weigh less for him, atleast I got the binging out of my system while I was at home and around safe foods - foods that don't REALLY hurt to binge on, for the most part, because we never eat restaurant food. When I'm with him, we go out a lot. We eat sandwhiches from the local delis and we get Mexican food and we go out with the boys pretty much every day for atleast one meal, and they eat like HORSES and it's so hard to restrict around them. Though, I have to say, there's always someone willing to eat half of my meal for me, when I'm "full".

The down side is, they're always telling my how small I am. I'm the youngest in the group to begin with, but they're all big guys. My boyfriend is almost 6 inches taller than me, and the rest are taller than him. And sure it's nice to hear them tease me about being "tiny" and "light", but I'm not, and it makes me too comfortable with myself. Ana gets offended and says, "Fine! You wanna think you're tiny? Go ahead and stuff your tiny little face then. Go for it, you fat little fuck. Dig in!"

And I do. I tell her, "See! I am small! Fuck off okay! I'm eating this taco!" And then of course I'm going to want to purge... I've never purged while I've been with him... If I purge, I won't be able to make-out with him. That's just too gross. So I'm going to have to stay strong and not do it and just restrict. Wish me luck, lovely ladies.

 I should be back in less than two weeks, 
but I don't know when I'll be ready to post regularly again.
Stay strong you guys, and thanks for understanding. I have missed you terribly, but I really do need some time, and this vacation is a good excuse for me. I'm afraid I'm not going to get out of the purging if I don't. 


I love you guys with all my heart.
I wish you the best of luck and all the skinny in the world,
And I hope you have a beautiful Valentine's day, I'll be thinking of you always
And sending you lots and lots of love and hugs!


Monday, February 7, 2011

My Weakness Feeds Me

"I got a weakness in me,
I think that weakness feeds me."
- Matchbox 20

That weakness is ALWAYS what feeds me. 

I promised myself I would confess to you ladies how awful I've been. I don't fear you looking down on me as much as I fear the damage I'm doing to myself, and I need to get my head on straight. 

So here goes. I didn't have a liquid fast like I wanted yesterday. In fact, I ate like a "normal person". I had french toast in the morning, I had cheese and crackers for lunch, and I had pizza for dinner. Faaaaaat. Yet again. Still. This has been how many days in a row? 

My weight is just stuck at 110 and it's never going to get better if I keep eating like this...

For me, the danger with making progress is that sometimes I get too happy. I get too content. I enjoy where I am and stop hating myself and let myself eat. Of course, at the end of the day I still hate my body, and that's not going to change until I reach my goal, so I'm really just hurting myself by acting like this.
But, what's getting to be really ridiculous is how much I'm purging... I stuffed my face when it came time for that pizza. I ate most of TWO slices, very casually went to the ladies room, puked it all up and then did the dishes. It wasn't until a bit later I realized how much I... enjoy it.
I love that freedom of being like, "Go ahead! Enjoy it! You can just purge it later!" I don't even want to scare myself with the facts right now, I know it's a bad habit to get into. I know, I know.
 I need control again. I need ana. She seems to be disgusted with me, and I don't blame her.
Even today started out rocky again. I had orange slices and a piece of french toast (which I toasted and ate with Promise margarine). I've got to smack myself out of this.

Even those motivational tools don't seem to be phasing me enough. I need something new. :/
Wish me luck with dinner tonight ladies! I'll update again soon, I just really need to work out to make myself feel better. ;) Hopefully I'll brainstorm up something new and excellent!

<3 Stay strong.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Going off the Rails

"Crazy, I just cannot bear
I'm living with something' that just isn't fair
Mental wounds not healing
Who and what's to blame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train."
- Ozzy

Last night was a hurricane of crazy. Things I haven't done in months and months...

I got super drunk. So drunk in fact, I was like YEAH I CAN EAT ICE CREAM WHY NOT! LETS LIVE A LITTLE GUYS! Oh fuck...

And you know what my stomach said to ice cream? Well, it was frozen yogurt, but still, it said: I don't think so. And it was all I could do not to spew it all over the living room floor... I've never felt so sick. What was I thinking? Beyond the fact that I didn't think hard enough about how much I'd regret the calories, I guess it failed to cross my mind that my system was not prepared for something so rich and sugary.

Today started off cruddy too. Someone brought sushi into the house - had to have a piece of that, of course, ugh. And then had some grapes, craisins, peanuts, and cheerios (in a mix, about a cup). So, today's calorie intake is already way too much.

And pizza is on it's way for dinner.

Oh well. I guess I'm still trying to love myself today, hehe! I just don't feel that guilty. I mean I do, but there's no point in crushing myself over it. If I get too bummed I'm not going to want to work out enough tonight.
Oh, and I had a piece of toast with Promise spread on it at around 5am to nurse my hangover. Toast and advil = no hangover (for me anyway). It took me about four hours to eat the toast though. My stomach was just so pissed off at me, lol.

Motivation & Determination

 I can't let this weird bingy attitude screw me up much longer, not after I've been making good progress again. So, today I want to have 1 physical object to inspire me, and I'm going to find 4 things in your blogs that inspired me today!

[ Also - You can click on their names to take you to the post that inspired me! ]

1] I'm lacking any original ideas today, so I'm going to wear a bandaid again to help me at dinner tonight, so I eat nice and slow and chew every bite atleast 20 times before swallowing. I'll draw something cute on it, like a kitty or panda or something. :) In pink marker, of course! Also I'm going to buy some pink and/or red ribbon soon, so I can start tying little ribbons around my wrist, finger, tummy, hair, etc. as a sweet little "forget-me-not".

 2] Bella inspired me to think about what I like about myself. That was surprisingly difficult, because I feel like I don't deserve to like anything about me.... I feel like I haven't earned it. I haven't worked hard enough on myself, I haven't pushed myself to a beautiful, unique snowflake (I know, I quote Fight Club too much) hard enough, I'm just not pretty enough to DESERVE my own love. So I'm going to try to focus energy on liking something about myself every day. Today, thanks to Bella ♥, I thought about how much I like my septum piercing. So, I'm going to buy some new jewelry for it! Yay!

3] Emma inspired me to do a liquid fast! And we just got a bunch of 100% juices and new teas so I'm definitely going to do a liquid fast tomorrow! :) Family permitting, that is. I think I can get away with the "sick" excuse tomorrow. Thanks Emma! You are amazingly strong!

4] Adriana inspired me to cook something for someone else. I'm sorry you had to regret your drunk food choices but I was in the EXACT SAME BOAT last night hon! So I'm right here with you! I think it's amazing that you cooked those wings for everyone else and didn't binge on them! My sister wants to bake cookies so I'm going to bake them with her (yay for sister bonding!) and not eat any of them but enjoy making other people happy instead! Thanks Adriana! Hang in there beautiful!

5] Olivia inspired me to read a book. I don't read enough, and I spend time eating that I could be reading (among other things) and I miss it! So, if I get hungry after dinner I'm going to take a nice hot bath and read atleast two more stories from Books of Blood by Clive Barker (he's my favorite author!!) Thanks Olivia! I love you so much!

 Thank you guys so much for sticking with me through it all!

Stay strong and think thin thoughts!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Things Are Better Today + Lots of Love!!

I can do this,
But not without you.

 Thank You
I've erased and retyped this "thank you" so many times. I just don't know how to put into words how grateful I feel to have your support. I feel like I have a dozen lovely hands reaching out to me every time I get on blogger, here to hold and hug me. I feel like you guys are the best friends I will ever have. I feel like you understand my pain better than anyone, and I know I can and WILL get through this when I read your kind words. It moves me to tears every time. I just don't know where I would be without your love and warmth, and I don't know how I got on without it for so long...

 "Fat Bastard - The Ana Hater"
I recently read a blog that was in response to a pro-ana "hater" who spouted off about how outragously wrong our community is, and how awful it is that we "encourage eating disorders".

First of all, I've yet to see a blog that explains how to give yourself an ED. "Step One: Wake up hating yourself." Good luck with that. 

There's no guaranteed way to "fix" EDs either. Doctors can normally patch a hole at best, but those thoughts will always be in our minds, whether we act on them or not. And pretending like if it weren't for pro-ana blogs people with EDs would be able to get rid of theirs is just bullshit. 

No one else can understand what we get from this. It's like a pressure-release for our brains. 
We go every day with these obsessive thoughts, these fears and this pain. 

And we have NO ONE to tell them to. Sure, we can tell our family or friends.
If we want to be judged, forced into treatment and scrutinized for the rest of our lives.
If we want someone always stuffing food down our throats and measuring our waists, as if we don't have to face those things often enough.

 We aren't looking to recruit girls, or teach each other the best way to hate ourselves. We just want RELIEF. The absolute freedom of being able to confess - I ate chocolate cake today and I hate myself for it - and then MOVE ON instead of beating ourselves up in silence.

 If anything, I've learned how to love myself a bit more, and I've learned to let go of yesterday's mistakes, heal, and move on.

Second of all, fuck what anyone else thinks. My heart would be broken without you girls.
I need your hands to hold, I need to be in your warm embrace every single day. 

Things Are Better Today :)
I am happy to report that today has been so much better! I woke up and watched some America's Next Top Model and it was just what I needed. I did have some cereal this morning, an apple and some Quaker Oat Rice Cake thingers, but I find it's best to ease myself out of a binge rather than cold-turkey'ing it the day after. I know it does damage weight-wise in the short term, but I know myself well enough to realise if I try to eat like I want to again I'm just going to face plant and land in another binge.

So, my intake is pretty high already today, probably around 400. Dinner is yet to come. But I've already done so many crunches today my back and sides are aching lol. So I've burned some of it. And I'm planning a night of working out to the extreeeeme woohoo! ;)

I apologize again for my moody posts, but I'm really glad I let myself post them, because I feel like a ball of sunshine today. I might be riding some weird hormone rollercoaster, or I might just be crazy, but either way these ups & downs have been INTENSE and I thank you all for putting up with it.


Let's Love Ourselves Today!
 My dearest Olivia declared a positivity day today, and I am jumping on her bandwagon!! <3
 I just adore this line from her blog: " order to lose and be happy, we need to remember that sometimes it's good to eat cake. "


On that subject, I am totally hooked on RuPaul's Drag Race. If you don't get Logo or just haven't seen it yet, it's like Project Runway or America's Next Top Model for drag queens! With RuPaul, of course! And it's fucking fantastic. I love how vibrant they are, how much they love themselves and don't care what anyone thinks. It's so inspiring. I wish I could have that kind of passion for myself and incredible self esteem against all odds. As RuPaul says every episode, 
"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"
Amen, sister!! ;) I'm working on it!!!

Sorry for the long post and squeezing in so many topics.

Have a beautiful evening ladies, and stay strong!
Thank you to each and every one of you for commenting and being here for me! 
I wish blogger had a better way to respond & be alerted to responses, it would make this so much easier lol, but I love you guys. So, so sososososo much!!!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Things Always Get Better.

I'm sorry I've had to post so much moody stuff today. I'm cramping, bloated and it's not time for my period, but who knows, maybe I'm getting it anyway. I just feel like CRUD. Pure crud.  

Please be aware, this post will not be motivating in any way but I really REALLY have to get it out or I'm going to burst.

I feel like all I've done today is eat. I don't even want to talk about it.
Why is it that starving for a week makes you lose a pound, but binging for a day = +5 lbs? 
Shitty metabolism, that's why.
No, I didn't actually gain 5 lbs today. If I had I'd probably be jumping off a bridge right now.

I just want to take every pretty, lovely thin girl I come across and chuck them into a boiling pot of water and turn them into stew.... I hate them. And I hate that most of them were born like that. LIKE MY SISTERS. Who eat two+ bowls of ice cream a day after 4 large meals and are still under weight. Why do I have to hurt so much for this? Am I being punished? Was I pretty in a last life and didn't appreciate it?

Fuck everything. I just want to cry. I'm so tired of being strong.
I'm so tired of pretending this obsession doesn't wear me out every fucking day....

I'm so tired of putting on the happy face in hopes that some day I will be thin.
Trash, ladies. I am trash. Trashed. Thrashed.

 I'm so tired of looking at pictures of myself and seeing nothing but FAAAAAAT.
I want to change, I want to be thin and better and pretty and lovely.
But sometimes I wonder if I really have it in me to get there. 

Why does this feel like a battle some days??
Why is it that three days ago I felt like a fucking rock star with all the secrets to life? 
Why could I talk about happiness like I'm motherfucking Dr. Phil and now all I want to do is light this goddamn city on fire??


I'm going to bed so I can't eat anymore.
First I'm having some fucking CHOCOLATE though.
Because I'll need a reason to run until my legs splinter tomorrow.

I'm so sorry you guys... :( Don't hate me.

Mixed Up

"The rain fell slow, down on all the roofs of uncertainty.
I thought of you and the years, and all the sadness, fell away from me."
- Pink Floyd 

I hate not knowing what I want. I hate liking my body. 
I hate looking in the mirror and feeling like my curves are good where they are.
But really, I hate remembering the next morning, or the next hour, that I am fat.

I'm stuck at 110 lbs. Stuck. Too fat.
I had cereal and milk.
I purged.

But most of all, I hate that I now have to confess to all of you that I am not strong today...

I don't know what to think.
Tomorrow, when I am thinking "clearly" because I've had more than enough to eat, I will feel strong again and be ready to push myself hard again.

Today is a bad day.

I know, boo frickin hoo. lol Sorry for the gloomy post. 
Gotta go work out now. I'll update later!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Oh Dear...

“If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.”
Just a quick update. Or confession is more like it.
I binged anyway. =(

Well, sorta. I ate less than half of dinner (pork, salad and bread), but... right now I am eating a mix of Cheerios, Life cereal, peanuts and craisins (about 1 cup total)... :( I talked myself into it. And looking at your blogs isn't helping, I'm stuffing my face.

 I guess that puts me at like 800 for today. Which, I guess isn't so much.
I never should have calculated my BMR that said I could eat 1345 calories a day, and if I add some light exercise I could eat a little over 1600, and subtract 500 from that every day and I will lose a pound a week or more. So, I learned I can eat 1100 a day and lose weight.
WHY DID I READ THAT?!?!? OMG! What did I think?! It was going to say "Eat 400 calories a day, not 500!"?! No, of course not. Things like that are for NORMAL PEOPLE who think a BMI of 19 is a GOOD BLOODY THING!! AUGH!!


Oh, good. To help me out my mom just gave me a bunch of M&M's and was like "Here! Yay!" And I was like ":D HAHA THANKS SO MUCH MOM!" Fuck. 
:( I have to say no to them...
This sucks.

Ugh. I will get through this.
<3 Love you ladies. 

I will work my ass off in a few hours, I promise.


Well, I just purged my snack and part of dinner and tossed those goddamn M&M's. 

You Saved Me :)

"I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles.
You're laughing out loud at just the thought of being alive, yeah,
And I was wondering, could I just be you tonight?"

Today's Breakdown:
 Man oh man! It must be the exhaustion from working out more lately, but I woke up this morning in the TOTAL mood for a binge. I climbed out of bed, not a scrap of clothing on and stood, disgusted, in front of the mirror for ages. I stood in the worst positions possible, eying my mammoth thighs with utter contempt...

Maybe I expected to wake up suddenly perfect, I don't know. But those thoughts came flooding to me: "I'm not getting anywhere, fuck it, give up, give in, have a fucking bowl of lucky charms and drowned it in 2% milk!! And follow it up with a fucking pbj sandwich, you fat fucking cow!"

 Somehow I managed to just grab a bowl of peach slices in juice (100% juice, no high fructose bullshit) and get on blogger.

And you beautiful, wonderful ladies... You saved me. 
A ton of you posted last night and today, and I just sat and read every single one of them.
I might have binged today if I hadn't gotten on here and remembered how I really feel.

At any given point I could give up. I could give in and binge. 
But my need to be thin is never going to go away. It will be there whether I binge or not.
It's so important to remember that on the verge of a binge.

Because there's no point in pretending it's "no big deal."
It will always be a big deal to me.
 It's not "just" a bowl of cereal. Or "just" a sandwich.
It's regret. It's fat. It's keeping me from THIN.
And its only going to make me sadder in the long run.

 I just finished an orange. I'm allowing myself a second snack of fruit today since my binge cravings were so bad and are still sort of scaring me.

 I worked out for a super long time last night after getting off blogger. Really focusing on my arms right now. I'm starting to see them as a bigger priority than my thighs, because I'm more likely to be in situations with my arms showing than my thighs.

I guess all that work last night made me expect to see the changes this morning. 
I will though! If I had that sandwich I wouldn't!! ;)

 I want to be able to say "My name is Rowan and I haven't binged in two months!"
 Haha, Bingers Anonymous??

Today's Motivation:
1. Blogger: If I get tempted to binge again today, I promise I will get on here and read your posts! I will look at your lovely thinspo and I will remember how badly I want that, NOT a sandwich! <3

2. Red Pinky: I'm going to paint just my pinky finger red, since it's the smallest of course, and it's going to remind me to STAY STRONG and JUST SAY NO (to food) lol! :) 

I'll update again later, probably with a new post.
<3 Love you guys so much.
& I will stop working out long enough to comment on your posts tonight too!!

Oh yeah, on a side note, if I was just ONE INCH TALLER, I'd already have an underweight BMI. :( Being short is lame!! If I was two or three inches taller, I'd be where I want to be. FUDGE!! Lol



These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.