Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Monday, February 27, 2012


At the temple, there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. 
It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. 
You cannot read Loss, only feel it.
- Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Geisha is one of my favorite movies. I find Geisha tragic and inspiring. They lived in a world devoted to pain and beauty, subservient to their art and to their men, but had more control than any of us will probably ever know. I envy that resolve, those unbreakable boundaries. They would not think well of me for saying so, but I'm not really wired right anyway.

Well, I'm sort of shocked that things didn't go as planned, I bombed probably on every day except Monday & Tuesday, but they weren't wonderful successes either. I can hardly believe a week has passed already.

Atleast my sweetheart and I have decided to start running together at night, after we get out of work. It's nice. It feels good. We're going for a run again tonight.

I just don't know who I have become. I'm a different person here, in this different world.

All I can feel is apathy. I haven't felt like this since I was a kid...

And the thing is.. it starts to feel nice, not to care, to just relax and take things as they are...

But I find myself in such pits of depression, staring at this flesh for endless hours... I look at it like it's a book written in a foreign language. I just can't understand what it is, what it means to see all of that flesh.... That fat...

I keep reading old blog posts of mine. I was so different, just a short year ago... And the years and years before that... My life use to have a rhythm, a pattern; ups and downs and it was all very common and I always knew what I wanted, where I was going, when I was doing poorly and when I wasn't.... 

Man, I whine a lot. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

Some Other Things

Sorry for posting again so soon, but I wanted to start my calorie counting again, like I use to.
So this is just a quickie. And here we go. =)

As you can see from my "goals" I'm going to try to ease myself back into this.
Wednesdays are my day off, the hardest day of the week to be "good", so I'm going to aim to be less than 1000, but I don't want to get too hopeful... Yeah, I really have gotten that bad.

I will update this tonight hopefully.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: Bowl of Banana Bread Oatmeal + milk (~200 cal)

Lunch/Snack: -

Dinner: -

Fluids: Hot Earl Grey tea with milk and honey (100 cal maybe)

Total:  300 cal
(Today's Goal: 800

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)
Calories8008001000800 700800700
Weight? ????? ?
Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal ::  Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals 
 • Stay on track all week
• Be happier

Turning Point.

I woke up with some clarity today.
I did not go to work. I never do that.

I think I needed today to get my head wrapped around some things.
And I'm remembering who I am, parting the clouds of fog that have hung around me for months and months now. I've been so lost and confused, and I know things don't change over night, but something in me must have snapped.

I want to start from the beginning, so you may all understand where I am, where I've been, all the things I left out by avoiding this place.

First of all, I left my home, my family, everything I knew. I moved several hundred miles away to live with my boyfriend, who is the one thing I have never doubted or feared in this terrible world. He is my home, he is everything to me. We complete each other in a fairy tale kind of way.

It was endless happiness, snuggling, cuddling and bliss between the sheets. Everything seemed like a fantastic new adventure to us; grocery shopping was the epic journey of two lovers, hunting for forgotten treasures and returning to their native shores to indulge in the spoils of their voyage. I had no job, my purpose in life was to live in his bed and spoil him, taking him to and from his job, keeping our love nest sparkling and cozy and full of our favorite things, so when he returned at the end of a long day I could woo and pamper him to sleep.

Each day I forgot about my weight a little more. I indulged a little too much. I laughed a little too loudly.

That was in June of last year. 

I got a job in August. My first real, serious job. I started it feeling very depressed (I believe I blogged briefly about that). It seemed like suddenly life wasn't as lovely as it use to be. Still, coming home was rainbows and sunshine and we would sink into the gigantic fluffiness of our cozy bed and the depression would melt away. 

Also -
I ripped a pair of my favorite jeans.
As in, my ass had become so LARGE that my jeans could no longer contain them -
They were exploding, bursting through the seams because they had become so GIGANTIC.
I cried for a moment, and then stopped caring.

I want to mention, our sex life has changed so much since June. I think it's in part due to my outward appearance, and in part because my appearance has turned my inside self into a CRAZY bitch.

I have put so much pressure on him about having sex. I have questioned him so many times, asking him why we don't have  sex as often as we use to, asking him what about me is so repulsive, prying, begging him to tell me I need to lose weight so that maybe I would have a reason to. He wouldn't budge, he just gets frustrated, and then I cry and wish I had never said anything. He loves me so much, and he is so forgiving, but I just want affirmation CONSTANTLY. I want to have sex every night so I can wake the next day knowing I'm still pretty. Alas, I'm not pretty anymore. I'm fat.

I also want to mention that we have dabbled in threesomes. Only with other women.
I should have known this was not something I could handle. I am attracted to women certainly. I think women are just lovely. We ARE the fairer sex. I like to draw women, I like to study them. But the jealousy that bubbled up inside of me was truly not expected. I would be an emotional wreck for weeks after we had a threesome, constantly changing my mind about whether or not I wanted to keep having them. He of course got upset, angry that I lied about being "okay" and (I think) angry that I no longer wanted to let him play with four boobs instead of two. I think these may have helped to kill our sex life. 

One night I couldn't handle it anymore, and told him the truth about how I felt about it all.
He seemed upset at first, and then, as I was sobbing, he held me and apologized for asking those things of me, and holding me still, kissing away tears and squeezing me gently, he laughed softly, warmly and told me it was so silly that we were getting so worked up about it - that the solution was simple: We would never have a threesome again. And he was not sad, he just loved me, and didn't want to see me unhappy.

We have had sex only once since then, to this very day.

And now there's a very loud voice in my head that screams: 
"You're not enough to turn him on. He needs another woman. You're NOT ENOUGH."
As if I didn't have enough messed-up inner-dialogue going on.

By December my job had improved. I had friends there, I got a raise and a better position that was more artistic and more like what I wanted to be doing. Christmas morning we were at my parents' house, my old home, unwrapping gifts and laughing. He became very serious when all of the gifts had been unwrapped and turned to me and said, "Alright, please don't get angry. I know we said we wouldn't do gifts for each other for Christmas, but there's something I have to give you..." And he stood up in front of me, "I know this seems like such a forgone conclusion, but," and he got down on one knee, and I felt tears trickle down my face, my breath dead in my chest and my hands clutching his knees as he held out a tiny black box. He opened it to reveal the most beautiful little ring I have ever seen.
 "Will you marry me?"

We had champagne, and life was beautiful. I was floating about on cloud nine for weeks.

But my hips and thighs showed clear signs of the stress and chaos that was still buried within me.
They were swelling, bulging, jiggling.

My birthday came in January. I turned 20. I told myself it should be a turning point, but nothing really changed. I kept eating. And eating. And eating. AND EATING. And getting fatter and fatter and FATTER.

I haven't weighed myself since May of last year, since I was last actively blogging here. 
So I can't tell you how bad the damage is, but truly, it is bad.

About a week ago we had wine and chocolate before bed. I can't remember how all of it went, but I fell asleep in the living room, and woke up in a terrible mood, thinking he had gone to bed without me and left me sleeping on the couch, and for some reason this was very painful to me. I stormed into our room and glared at him, then promptly went to bed without a word. He joined me moments later, asking, frustrated, why I had gotten so angry with him for absolutely no reason. (I really have been a crazy bitch, wasn't kidding.) I just started crying and told him I didn't know and didn't want to talk about it. He got more frustrated, I cried for a while. We never fight, this was certainly not a fight, just me being dramatic and him at a loss for how to console me.

And then he said some things that shocked me, and I think, changed me.

"I find you so exhausting anymore. It's just exhausting to try to get you to care about life. We have so much potential and we could be doing so many great things but you just don't care. I have enough trouble being motivated, I can't keep trying to hold you up too. You've got to atleast try. I want us to be a team."

I apologized, said he was right, and pretended to fall asleep while I sobbed silently until the alarm went off and I got ready for work.

A few days passed, and I was dark and dreary. I stayed late at work just so I didn't have to go home and pretend to be happy for him. One night I went to the grocery store, wandering around for an extra hour, again to avoid having to fake a smile. And I think this was the start of the change, the turning point. I picked out nothing but fruit and veggies, low-cal salad dressing, and then went home and ate a salad.

I think it was enough to remind me, that I am where I was longing to be for so long.
I don't live with my parents. I have complete control of my life now.
Maybe that's why I lost control completely, I don't know.

But I can eat however I want.
I can do whatever I want.
I can run at 3am if I want to.
I can FAST if I want to.

The ball is in my court. 
The choice is mine.

Why have I been choosing food?

I can still hear voices telling me how tasty tacos are, how wonderful ranch dressing tastes on everything, but you know what? It's time to forget all that. It's time to focus again on what truly matters, who I truly want to be, who I have always wanted to be, and what I have lost sight of. 


It's time to be motivated, to be positive, to turn this relationship back into what it was. I'm strong enough to do this, I know I am. All I need is to start feeling good about myself again, and that starts with eating healthier, eating less, moving more. 

I'm determined. I'm done feeling fat, this has gone on for nearly a year and that's completely unacceptable.

I'm back ladies, please send me some courage to face the scale. 

<3 Love and hugs,

Monday, February 13, 2012

Walk of Shame

This facade that I'm stuck with 
has got me wondering 
Just tell me how you want me 
and I'll be naked stumbling 
just to get a reaction, any signs of love 

- Maria Mena

Where can I even begin? I thought seriously about starting a new blog, starting everything over... It's so hard to come back here, to face the biggest failure my body has probably ever endured.... 

I couldn't listen to the music I did those months ago.
I couldn't look at this blog, at the photos.
Couldn't take photos of myself, my chubby cheeks so glaring...

But I'm facing it all tonight. /melodrama. 

Seriously though, I need to make some changes, yet again. 

I haven't had sex in months. Not real sex anyway, not the thoughtless, wonderful, carefree sex we use to have every day we were together, when I was thin(ish).

Everything has changed since I moved in.

Oh, which reminds me, my sweetheart proposed to me! 
It's not shocking at all to me, but I did sob, and so did my family, when he proposed to me in front of them, Christmas morning.. It was too lovely. We talked about it so much, I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. He completely takes my breath away. 

But I can see in his eyes.. he's just not attracted to me like he use to be.

It wasn't that long ago, it's only been three years that we've been together, and only a year ago that I was so much smaller.... 

Back in those dizzy, weightless days, he use to touch my hips and my waist and wrap his fingers around my neck... He use to hold me on his lap and not let me go, trap me in his embrace and kiss me so... 

 I've practically become one of the guys. I hardly feel like a lady anymore.

We play video games and eat burritos and hardly ever exercise. 
I'm gross.

I can't step on the scale. 
I just know.. I will destroy myself if I do.
I'm too ASHAMED.
Because I am so GROSS.

I could feel this overwhelming depression creeping up on me, stepping on my heels every time I started to get a bit tired, bringing tears to my eyes in the dead of night, making me eat as I got stressed and making me rip open old scabs and scars (literally). 

Everything is so great, but I've let myself down so much. 
And it hit me like a ten-ton boulder today.

I don't know why, but I know I want to go back to who I was.

I'm sorry I've neglected you all so. =( 

I don't have any excuses, I just know I was too ashamed to read about how hard you were all working, to see how honest and open you can be, while I can barely look in a mirror...

And no, I don't know, after all the years, after caring so much, after triumphing over my body, how I fell so hard, so fast and so far... I don't know what happened. I don't know why suddenly I felt like it was just okay to eat anything (and everything). I guess the stress got to me. I guess I couldn't take the fear and the lack of control my life suddenly had... 

Putting it into words is helping so much already though. It really puts things into perspective somehow...

Hopefully this wallowing won't last long. And I apologize, if anyone does see this, for such terrible writing. I just wanted to get some thoughts out. I haven't been able to speak of these things to anyone, of course. 

Especially not to my fiance. He gets so angry whenever I say "I'm fat" or "I want to lose weight" or I even try to eat a little less than I have been (which is a fuckton, in case you were wondering). He doesn't know how important dieting use to be to me -- he has no idea. I know, it's terrible. Our relationship is absolutely perfect, spotless, aside from this one secret..

how desperate I am to be

I just don't want you all to think I'm risking what I have. 
I would never take it for granted, or let it be damaged.

But... hating myself the way I am right now.. 
That's damaging it. 
It's damaging the passion and heat we use to feel for each other....

Anyway. I'm going to make a plan for myself.
Going to work out.
Going to get back on track.

Do wish me luck. <3

I'll try to catch up with your blogs as I can.

<3 Stay strong.



These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.