Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Hope Guides

"Hope guides me.
It is what gets me through the day, 
and especially the night."
- A Knights Tale

Hope keeps me thinking: All is not lost.
It is not too late, we have not gone too far.

I sit at home, alone. Watching Mad Men.

Doing sit ups.

I haven't eaten anything today. 

Yesterday I ate some soup broth, three carrots,
and a handful of craisins. 

I can't say I am happy, 
but my mind is calm.

It's not like being in a fog;
it's as if I am the fog.

Calm, sober, silent. 
Drifting along without much to say.

No one can understand this place but us.

Anyway... I bought a new scale.
It's kept me focused.

Since I recently started blogging again I have fasted twice.
I am very happy with that... I think.

It feels like I am somewhere else.

There's so much to be happy about, so much celebration going on in my life.
My birthday is tomorrow.

But I can't touch it. I don't think I can touch anything.
I feel like I've locked my heart away again.

Thank you for the comments on my last blog,
and Olivia - I have missed your blogs very much. I still think of them. :) 
I am glad to be back here.

I feel very wrapped up in the shame of my failure, after so many blogs about how great I am 
at losing weight and living life, ha! I hope you still accept me as I am.


Love and hugs to all of you out there.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I can't stay long to write..

But I guess I wanted to say,

everything is going really, really good. :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A Far Cry

I am a far cry from the girl I was those years ago.

It's strange to find myself looking back into this world, a world that use to be mine.

I am turning 21 in less than ten days.

In some ways, I am stronger. In others, I have become weak.
I can't say I've made any great self improvements.
I can't say there's much to be proud of this birthday.

But I feel stable. I feel ready.

I want, I need, this year to be my year. 

I want to become so much more than I am today.

I spent today reflecting on everything. 
Most especially reflecting on the things I have neglected:
 My body, my diet, my wardrobe, my self worth. 

I have come to a single conclusion:
There is no other option left.
There is no other way I can be happy in who I am,
without taking care of my neglected body.

I have so much to be happy for in my life, so much to take pride in.
And I am dishonoring all of it by not being happy.
I can not be happy without being thin.

I can't say I'll be blogging often, or regularly at all.

I can say that the next time you hear from me, I promise you, 
I will be on the right path.



These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.