Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Aftermath: 110.5 lbs

Oh what I would give to have these legs!

So, last night was insane. The family Halloween party was bigger and better than last year, I actually had a blast for once. I spent most of it getting completely smashed. 

 And, to my supreme delight, I ATE VERY LITTLE! In fact, I ate less yesterday than some normal days! I had a banana for breakfast so I wouldn't be hungry and thus eat less of the fatty-goodness at the party. I don't know if that's what made me eat less, but for whatever reason I had some chips and dip, and had a few grapes. And that was it! With all the chaos of the party, no one noticed that I didn't eat the main-course or desert. Of course, booze has calories but I tried not to worry about that. Not like it takes much to get me drunk anymore. Drinking on an empty, or near-empty tummy is fun.

Sorry for my last entry ladies. Sometimes I get hyped up and ditsy and think I'm spouting something brilliant. Of course reading it today you must all think I'm a fruitcake. I'm always bothered by how rare I feel like I'm "acting like myself". I feel like I've lost so much of my personality while trying to figure out who I want to be... I don't know who I was anymore.

My boyfriend and I talk about anatomy too much lately. I'm the one to start 70% of the time, maybe more. I've even told him recently, "I was feeling really fat today, but I weighed myself and felt a little better. I've lost weight." And he was like, "Oh what, you weigh 100 pounds now, instead of 102?" He's always making me feel so pretty... but I hate it. I don't want to start thinking I'm thin before I really am. Then I'll just be another fat girl, content with being average, alright with her mediocre body for the rest of her life. No, I don't want that.

He's always telling me I'm "tiny". And his friends are always telling me the same. We talked on the phone for over two hours last night, both of us drunk and separated by distance, terribly romantic and sappy as usual... I won't go into details lol. But he kept talking about my "slender body" and how "perfect" it is. God I love him so much! He makes me feel like a fucking goddess. But I'm not, and I've got to stay focused. I want to be beautiful. I want to be his little doll, his play thing. I want to wow him every time he sees me.

ANYWAY! Last night after everyone went to sleep, I went and weighed myself while I was naked. I figured it would be around 112 or 114, after drinking and everything at the party... But no. 110.5 And yes, as always, I weighed myself several more times. 

Really? I can't even believe it still. I've reached my goal? How can this be? I don't feel much thinner. Where did this weight come from? Hopefully my ass. =P 

I weighed again this morning: 112 lbs. But I had a lot of clothing on, so I assume that was the difference. It's getting cold and I don't walk around without a hoodie on.

I can't wait to weigh myself again tonight. I'm not as happy as I thought I would be, but it probably just hasn't really hit me. Once I get to 109 I think I'll really start feeling it, lol! I don't believe in any numbers until I start going below it and stay there for a few days. Right now I still feel 114! Lol


Friday, October 29, 2010

The Purpose of Life & Halloween

 Do you think this tummy has candy in it? Me thinks not.

I love Halloween. It's my Christmas.
Halloween, my birthday and my boyfriend's birthday are the three most important days of the year for me. I'm not religious.
But of course I wish so badly that candy and junk food were not a part of Halloween.
I've already gone to one Halloween party. Minimal damage, as I mentioned before.
Tomorrow will be the second. And worse: it's a family party. Twice as hard to avoid eating...
Wish me luck!

I weighed-in earlier at 113 lbs! And that was with a lot of extra clothing on!
I'm officially the lowest I've been in years - basically since I hit puberty.

I'm getting so close to my next goal! I really owe a lot to you guys. This blog has made me feel better about myself, let me vent, and helped me understand myself better too. Even though my posts have been a lot of mixed emotions, I feel like I'm growing (emotionally and mentally!) and learning so much.

Which leads me to something I've been thinking about lately - my philosophy on life.
I wanted to put it into words, on this blog.
So, here goes...

My Philosophy on Life:
My lack of religion and my need to be perfect stem from the same issue.
Losing my belief in afterlives and dieties left me searching.
Searching, and wondering why the fuck I'm here.
And more importantly, wtf am I suppose to DO?
(Yes, I know, everyone wonders these things)

When I was a little girl I believed I would grow up and go on some great adventure.
An adventure like in the movies I watched or books I read.
Life would have a reason, it would be a journey with a purpose.
Then I started to realize my life wasn't a movie or a book.
It was just life - science; bioliogy. A spontaneous outbreak.
Cells, molecules, atoms. We're just as significant as bacteria.

And adults didn't have the answers. They didn't have plans. 
They didn't have a purpose either.
They made up their gods and the rules they lived by.
Nothing was forcing them, nothing was driving them except THEM.
They could live their lives, do nothing good with themselves, and die.
And the world would just keep truckin' along.

So, I decided to aim for hapiness.
Just as they created their gods, I would be my own god.
I would choose my purpose.
If life was going to end at some point for no reason, wtf, I'll live for myself!
I didn't want to live and die and not have anything to be proud of. 
And I certainly didn't want to accomplish the same things everyone else did:
Have a job, have kids, have a funeral.
Accomplishing goals was satisfying. It was a bit of happiness.
And if I accomplished lots of goals, I would have a lot of happiness.
Creating art gave me a sense of completion, satisfaction, usefulness, beauty.
So, I wanted to create. I wanted to create ME.
And I wanted to be a work of art too. 
A masterpiece!

So I aim for little milestones.
And what will they add up to? 
The perfect me.
My vision of perfect. My ideals.

And I guess that's what I've gathered from life. 
The purpose is to create yourself.
And that's pretty much what I live by.

I guess in the end you've just got to decide what you love, where you want to be in life, and how you're going to get there. What's your plan? Is your life going to be a series of meaningless events or a painted, sculpted masterpiece of your design? It's never too late to start dreaming. I got a late start, but I see my future clearer every day. And it makes me smile. =)

I don't believe I'm super original or unique. And I don't believe I'm posting anything revolutionary.
It's just for me, really. But I am happy if you can gain something positive from it all.

... Or atleast make sense of it! =P 

Keeping thinking those thin thoughts. <3 I love you guys!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Some Days...

 Some days, this affliction gets so exhausting.

Sometimes I don't feel disordered at all. I feel like even anonymously I shouldn't claim to be ana. 
Sitting at home, staring into one of my many mirrors for long periods of time, I start to feel like I've got a nice body. I've got a pretty face. It's unique, but come on, it's nice, it's pretty. I'm an expert with make-up and my hair looks great 90% of the time. It could be infinitely worse, and I could weigh a lot more... I'm really not so bad.

And then I leave the house. And I start to compare myself to everyone. Including all the advertisements. And suddenly I'm this misshapen flabby sack of shit stumbling around, hoping not to make eye contact with anyone... Because certainly they're thinking about how my arms and legs could use to be thinner, my butt a bit less curvy, my collarbones just a little more pronounced... And maybe if our eyes meet, if I look at their face, I'll see all the disgust and disdain I have for myself mirrored in their expression... I'll learn that people really do see me the way I see me... A beast. A fat beast.

It's not usually like that. But some days... it is. Like, today.

It happened in Wal Mart, of all places. I didn't even see anyone more attractive. Or even close to as attractive as me. And it's not like you have to be a super model to be prettier than me. Wal Mart tends to be full of a special breed of people, mostly composed of cellulite and stupid, so I'm sure you can understand what I mean when I say - I was pretty much the nicest thing to look at, even if that's not saying much. It's not like walking around backstage at a Miss America competition or anything. 

And yet, I saw my reflection in the glass of one of those frozen food sections (where they keep all those sodium-loaded, extra calorie-coated cheesy delights that I felt the need to love and hate from a safe distance)... And that was it. I just suddenly felt awful.

I looked the same as always... And maybe that was the problem.
When am I going to be beautiful? When am I going to feel happy for good? When can I stop feeling positive about the future and just feel positive about the here-and-now?

It doesn't feel possible with this body.
There's someone beautiful underneath all this flesh, I swear..

I feel like I could just crawl out of this carcass, emerge like a butterfly..
Sometimes I wonder if that's what the afterlife will be...
I'll die and leave this body, and I'll be this lovely, weightless being, freed from this rotting prison.

I guess I know why this happened, really. I'm home again and depressed because I'm away from my boyfriend. I don't mean to sound obnoxious or anything, but he really takes away the pain I feel. He makes it disappear. When we're out in public he never lets go of my hand, and we're always walking like we're joined at the hip. He makes me feel so strong, so loved, so... pretty. I don't care if anyone's judging me because I've got this big, tall, handsome man at my side who's always smiling and telling me how beautiful and "tiny" I am. He makes me feel safe. Nothing could hurt me, not even me. We can strip naked and cuddle for hours and I still feel lovely. I feel like the whole world could think I'm a fat ugly hag and it wouldn't matter, because he thinks I'm pretty. 

I know this blog is basically all about my shallow side. But I do have a deeper side, I swear. And I love and adore and appreciate and cherish my boyfriend for so much more than just his opinion of my appearance. We are absolutely perfect for each other, obsessed with all the same things and madly, hopelessly, head-over-ass in love. The End. So don't worry that I'm taking advantage of this sweet, loving man just so I can hear him say nice things about my body. =P 

HOLY CRAP! Sorry for such a long, melodramatic post! 
Here's some pretty pictures to make up for it!

I feel better after venting though. =)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Remembering What I Want

"Discipline is remembering what you want."

Sorry for not commenting or replying to anyone for about a week, I was away, spending time with the love of my life. :) We had a wonderful time but I felt like I was eating way more than I normally do. I felt bloated a few times and just kept thinking about how much I'd have to work when I got home.

So this morning I stepped on the scale, hiding my eyes under my shirt for a moment, anxiously awaiting judgment... And finally that ancient little scale spoke to me these words: 114.5 lbs.
Uhmm.... Excuse me? I lost 3 pounds by being a pig? Am I going crazy? Was I not eating as much as I thought? I weighed myself three more times - 114... 114.5... 114.5! I even moved the scale to different spots in the house. You know, just in case there's some square foot in my house that's at a lower gravity than the rest. Because that is totally logical.

So I guess I weigh 114 lbs. Four pounds to go until my next goal! Please, sweet Satan, let me stay focused and determined. So I'm getting back on track, and god it feels good not to have any new weight hanging over my head. It's easier to be motivated when I don't feel like a lost cause lol.

I plan to get my septum pierced and dye my hair. I think I'll do it as a reward for my next goal weight. =) Of course the piercing may have to wait, depening on where I'm working.

Trying to decide what to do for my text tattoo. I already have a few.
I'm becoming rather addicted lol.

I'll try to respond to comments and blogs ASAP, but I can't be on Blogger for very long periods of time. I'm too paranoid! I'll do my best though. 

<3 Love you guys!
Thank you for all the support, you guys really made me feel so much better about being selfish and whatnot. You're absolutely right, it's my body! <3

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I know, it looks like she shit out petals.
Don't know what's up with that but she still looks pretty!

I'm eating. Right now. This very second. God I wish I lived with you ladies. I wish one of you could reach over and take this away from me, so I couldn't take another bite. My mind is just saying, "You've been so good today, you deserve it!" What is wrong with me? I deserve to be fat? I must.

I'm still under 500 calories. If I finish this mix of peanuts, craisins and cheerios I will still be under 500 calories for the day. 500 is supposedly not a lot. 500 is 1/4 the daily recommended calories. But it might as well be a 10-course meal for 800 people. 

I get in this mode and it's like a whole other person takes over for just those few minutes while I FEED... I feel so disconnected, so apathetic. I know I'll feel guilty later, and I feel guilty as I eat it, but... I keep eating. I hate food. It's 11 pm for fucks sake! I'll never burn this off before tomorrow...

I wish food didn't exist. Or, like those new "smokeless cigarettes" I wish they had "calorie free food"... Eat as much of it as you want and gain no weight! 

Well, I'm done eating. I finished it. I wish I could keep with me that ultimate motivation I feel some days. Like, yesterday... Yesterday was a good day. 

On a side note, I don't know if anyone else is familiar with the site DeviantArt but they featured two images today that were ED related. The first one isn't really, but of course it made me think of mine. 

The second one made me feel guilty.. And scared. Scared of my family, friends and boyfriend finding out just how obsessive I am over food and my weight. It bothers me a lot that they will inevitably find out, if I am to reach my goals. Realistically speaking, this can't stay hidden forever, I know that. However, I will have moved out by then, since I'm very close to moving out, and I feel like that will earn me a lot more freedom in terms of my body.

I must be so selfish... To know that this will hurt them but I don't want to stop.
How could I stop? I've come so far.. I've worked so hard.. I've wanted for so, so long....
At the same time though, I'm not going to drive myself to death.

I don't believe in trying to control anyone else's choices. 
If they do it to me, I know I'll end up resenting them...

What if they found out today? What if they put a screeching hault on everything I want when I'm still so far away? It makes me want to delete this blog and never speak of calories ever again....
What if they MADE me live with this weight, 117, forever? Or worse, what if they made me GAIN weight? I can not fathom the misery...  

And what then? What if I decide I can't take that pain, and that leaving them behind so I could be thin would be better? I wouldn't do that, but I know I would consider it.

I just want to feel safe, thin, pretty, loved... I know I'm loved.
But will I still be loved when I'm thin and pretty?

I need a hug from someone thin. So I can feel the reassurance of bones, the promise of being pretty.... The emptiness of being thin.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Meals with Bones

(This isn't me. Just a lovely tummy.) 
I'd like to be thinner than that though.

This afternoon I was hungry. Genuinely hungry. Almost that heartburn feeling in my throat. Which was just completely out of nowhere, I don't feel hungry too often. Even when I fast it takes longer to get that feeling. I even ate some dry bran cereal and Craisins this morning (trying to get my metabolism kick-started in the mornings again so my workouts will be more effective). Maybe it's just the start of this new birth control I'm on... I love being on the pill after the first three months are over. My skin has such a nice glow to it and losing weight is always easier when I'm on it. I guess I got lucky in that department, since they said I could gain weight from being on it too. But I have decent willpower, and I assume weight gain happens to people who don't.

Of course, I had to eat dinner. Barbecue ribs. I was TERRIFIED. Utterly mortified. Feeling hungry right before I'm forced to eat is scary..

But, surprisingly ribs are really great! That is, I can leave a ton on my plate and no one notices, because of all the inedible bits and bones that everyone HAS to leave on their plate. By the way, I've only ever had ribs once before tonight, thus my being clueless. So I just made a complete mess, had some bites and was done. Freedom. More meals with bones please, so I can see bones all day long...

I weighed myself before dinner - 116.5 lbs. I really hope I'm not plateauing.. Just 6 more pounds, Ro! You can do it! Well, ten more after that, but who's counting....

I'm going away this weekend. For early Halloween celebrations. Which means candy and booze and who knows what other temptations. I'm going to establish some rules right this second. NO candy. NO food. Oh yeah.. That's right. I'm good at not eating. And I love thin, I love thin, I loooove thin. I love grabbing my ribs, digging my thumbs into my hips and running my fingers up and down my spine. I love knowing that some day soon they will be all the more prominent, they will define me. I will have shape - I will not be this flabby sack of parasitic flesh.

I'm really getting there.
I know, I'm still pretty huge....
But one day I'll be able to post, "Current Weight: 100 lbs." I will shout it in my head a millions times a day - 100! Look at those beautiful zeros! Empty like my tummy! 

I want to keep my boobs though. I'm a big B cup, C sometimes. I like boobs. Having them, that is. And I think I would be lonely without them. My boyfriend would certainly start force-feeding me if I lost them. He doesn't like fake tits either, and I consider that a really attractive option. But his opinion matters so much to me... It's just that they are, by nature, perfect. They don't droop, they're the right size and shape, you can go without a bra and they still look perky and plump... Why is it so wrong to want that?

But GOD I love visiting my blog now! All this inspiration just makes me feel so much better. It just reminds me that all the food I feel sad for missing out on is just dirt. It's just worthless shit and I have no reason to feel sad. When I look at the fridge I say, "Fridge pickers wear big knickers!" in my head. And when I must go without something tasty, I remember - "When you say 'no thank you' you're actually saying 'yes please' to thin!"

And yay! Thank you for answering my last blog, xXxPerfectLiexXx! I would love to be ana buddies and I will message you after I post this! You're beautiful!

Keep thinking thin thoughts ladies and gents. =) 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Power of Inspiration!

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” 

 Oh, Thinspo! How I love you. Years ago when I discovered the concept I thought it was just the best thing in the whole world. There's so much out there, so many blogs and girls willing to post blurred-face pictures of their skinny friends, it's absolutely wonderful! And I sometimes forget how effective it is!

 I was very close to eating a few hours ago after a successful day of fasting. So I hopped on Blogger and started reading everyone's recent posts, and when that wasn't enough I decided to go through my own thinspo saved on my computer. I also plastered it all over this blog which has really made a huge difference! I love the effect! It's a huge boost of inspiration and strength just by loading the page now! Hope you guys enjoy the images too!

If you right click on a picture and say "view image" you can see it full size!

Of course, I can only fast all day. When evening comes I'm forced to eat dinner, I have no choice. I hope you ladies don't look down on me for it, I know I do, but I have to be reasonable right now. My family would freak out. So, I ate some steak and veggies and rice. Just a bit. And I continue to use those eating tips! 

This is the video Azzie linked me to:
It didn't seem like something I could pull off, since I'm not that bubbly/talkative most of the time, but I did! Piling my plate up, talking about how good everything tastes.. I forgot how well I can pull off the fat-ass attitude, lol! And the comments about me "not eating much tonight" didn't come up even once in the past few days, I love it. =)

After that crappy week I had and putting on those three pounds I was just feeling so miserable. I forget so quickly how good it feels to be hungry! I have to wait until everyone else goes to bed before I can weigh myself, so here's hoping it will be good tonight. If I can, I will update this blog again.

 I wish I had an ana buddy, btw. If anyone wants to chat or anything, please message me. =) Tell me anything that comes to mind about being thin. Or leave a comment! I would love it so much!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Changes and Goals

I don't know if anyone is reading or paying attention to this little blog, but I did make changes to my name and the title of the blog. I've never kept a blog before so I'm not really sure how I want to go about it, sorry! I took a leap of faith and posted my name on here, so if you feel the need yep, you can call me Rowan. =)

Anyway, the past week hasn't been ideal. I'm ALWAYS consuming too much. I've even eaten while bored a few times - WTF. Oddly enough my weight is just fluctuating around 117, it doesn't seem to be effected by my poor eat habbits. I'm still staying under 500 calories but... even 300 seems too much. Some days 200 calories makes me feel bloated. 

Current Weight: 117 lbs
Next Goal Weight: 110 lbs
Future Goal: 100 lbs

Things I like right now:
- My stomach. I put more effort into toning my stomach than anything else. It's not perfect, but it's getting there.
- My hair. I cut it short recently! It was half-way down my back at the beginning of the year.

Things I don't like:
- MY THIGHS. UGH. They are so big! (I'm convinced that 100 out of my 117 lbs is in my thighs..)
- My arms.

Sometimes I wish I had a personal trainer, to keep motivating me when I think about quitting and not running those extra ten laps, but then I realize they'd probably just hold me back in the end, once I was really achieving complete and utter exhaustion as I would like to.

Today's food log:
- Banana (breakfast) - 72 calories (
- A few bites of a pretzel (ugh - forced to eat by family members) - 50 cal?
- Hamburger w/guacamole WTF WTF WTF - 8 million calories

I didn't eat much of the hamburger, but eating any made me feel awful. So gross. And it left me with no idea how many calories I took in. I'm pretty sure it was under 500...
I can't wait to be free of having to eat around my family! I'm moving out soon!

Also, I keep a food log every day. It's just a mental one though, and I usually forget by the next day. I think I'll try to post them here more often though.

And thank you so much for the suggestions about eating habits, Azzie! =) I wasn't sure I could make it work like she did in that video, but I've found it insanely successful! It's really changed the way I eat around family, and that makes a world of difference. I can be less miserable every night.

Don't give up, ladies. <3 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Raw Material of Drastic Change

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape" - William S. Burroughs

Finally feeling like myself again! At least, the person I strive to be 90% of the time. My home has a shitty atmosphere. Mostly because of a certain person who lives here. This person is terribly unhappy with herself - her body, her lack of a job, etc. And her way of coping with her unhappiness is by blaming everything/one else for her misery, and thus making the rest of us miserable with her constant disapproval, whining and violent moods. She completely avoids change by refusing to face herself. She refuses to make the effort to change for the better - because that would require a lot of work and dedication, and she is completely apathetic at this point. It's depressing and it's miserable to live here.

Which is why it's really hard to leave my boyfriend's house, our sanctuary, and come home to her and all the tension that's built up in this house. It's brutally depressing for several days, and it seems to get worse every time. Thankfully I can pull myself out of it and get back on track, usually by doing things that make me happy and by using a bit of motivational/positive thought techniques I've learned to develop.

Unfortunately, being depressed like that tends to make me eat way too much. I had frozen yogurt (30948590345 calories) TWICE and TWO PBJ sandwhiches in the last week. And by no means were they small portion sizes. I revert to fat-kid mode when I get like that. Fucking disgusting. 

Today wasn't too great either, I had some dry Oatmeal Squares (50 calories) and then steak, baked potato and carrots for dinner. I'm willing to bet I went over 500 calories today but I really don't know. I did hike for about 2 hours, which isn't much, but I feel it's getting better.

Anyway, I've never written a blog before. I planned on making this strictly positive and helpful, because I enjoyed reading helpful blogs. But at this point I realize venting here is good for me. And I'd like to write more about my life and my day, take a more honest approach. I can't be honest with anyone else about my ED and how it relates to my day, so why not do it here? And why not go all out? So I think a rehaul of this very confused blog is in order.. Starting with the dramatic names I stuck on this blog before I even knew what I was doing. =P

Thanks for reading. =) Also: TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Home Again, Home Again.

I was away for about a week, spending time with my boyfriend, the absolute most important person in my life. Unfortunately we live some distance away right now so I only get to see him for about a week at a time before I have to return to this hell hole. But I feel so lucky to have him. He is truly the most extraordinary person I have ever met. When I'm with him nothing else seems to matter. He literally makes my ED feel nonexistent. I mean, my eating habits don't change much, but it's like my mouth goes through the motions while my mind is completely occupied by other things... Of course I've learned there's no way to convince other people of how deeply we care for each other, but if you're bothering to read this you might as well believe me when I say we will spend the rest of our lives together. That's just how it is. And somehow... he makes me feel beautiful.

However, I did end up binging (my sort of binge - 700 calories) last night while feeling especially miserable for being home, away from him. Frozen yogurt. Great gobs of it. "Forbidden Fudge Brownie". I know, just reading it is probably enough to make a person gain a few pounds (sorry!).

Anyway. My great passion in life is art. Digital and traditional illustration. I can't share my art here, but I've been thinking about doing some ED inspired drawings that I would post only here. It would be nice.. And I draw a lot of "sickly" thin girls anyway, just to shred them before anyone else sees them. I guess it would be natural to assume I'm a shitty artist but I'm really not too bad.

I'm trying to read all the blogs I missed, and it sucks that I probably won't be able to comment on many... But I'm glad you guys are still actively posting, and I will be too. =)

I had some soup earlier today. And I guess my binge attitude carried into this morning because I didn't even measure it or check the calories (holy crap) but I'm headed outside for a nice long run as soon as I post this. I'm really in a shit mood and probably will be for a few days while the pain of being separated is still fresh. Sorry for being a bit dramatic.



These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.