Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Today's the Day

"I'm on my way from misery to happiness today;
I'll do my best, I'll do my best to do the best I can!"
Today's Consumption: 

I had a banana for breakfast/lunch (lol) and then for dinner I had grilled salmon, salad and brown rice. Again, ate half the portion. I'm not sure how many calories it was to begin with, but I guess what matters is that it wasn't over 500 and then I ate half of it. So I definitely stayed under 500.

A good day! :) I had to talk myself out of purging dinner. As much as I wanted to, I know I need a standard meal here and there to keep my body going at a normal rate. If I suddenly crash my intake I'm just going to end up binging and packing the pounds back on. Not to mention I don't want to make purging an every-day thing.

Today I feel like I can see some progress! My arms and hands keep tapping my ribs and hips and they really feel different. I know it can't be a huge change from yesterday to today, but you know how it is, when you feel like you really notice it. 

And I slipped on a pair of jeans that I wore just five days ago and they're a bit less form-fitting. Yay! I know it's small, but progress should be small. As much as I want to wake up in a different body I'm starting to accept and celebrate the little victories and changes. It makes the day so much brighter.

"All beings are the owners of their karma. 
Their hapiness and unhappiness depend on their actions."

Motivations & Goals:

  I've decided I want to format my blog like this from now on - starting with a break-down of the day (boring stuff) and then some goals and/or new ways to motivate myself. I usually come up with atleast one thing every day to use as motivation. And posting it here makes it all the more powerful for me.

1. Red Heart Band aid:
 I had a little band aid on my ring finger today. I drew a little red heart on it and decided that it would help me eat less - because every time I reached for food that RED heart would be there. 
I want to come up with something like this every day. Always red or pink!
 But each one slightly different. I think having little trinkets around to inspire me helps. Changing up my little motivational tools helps too!

2. Videos
I really love how motivational/inspiring music videos can be. Lady GaGa's Alejandro video is big-time inspiring, she's so thin and grungy, yummm I want to be like that! Going to make a list of music videos that really inspire me and hopefully download/buy a few.

I think I'll finish this post later, I'm really in the mood to work out now!!

Hang in there ladies, stay strong and lovely! <3

Stay Strong

Today's consumption
Well, I had to eat dinner. But, I ate half of what I was given (a small porkchop with apples and onions with a slice of bread) and then purged probably 70% of it, which was super easy since I chewed every bite to a bloody pulp! Hehe. I know, I'm rather sick.

No idea how many calories I ingested in the first place, let alone kept. I would say that what was on my plate to begin with was 300-450 calories. Optimistically, I'd say I ate 200. Then purged most of it immediately after. Kept 100, maybe? =/

I did cave and had a banana. Ugh. But I've been working out and it's just so hard to not quit when your stomach is growling at you after ever crunch. I know, I know. I need better control. But it was a healthy snack! I saw those bloody roasted peanuts sitting in the kitchen, their salty, fatty protein-filled deliciousness calling meeeee.... and I said no. I was like "Maybe just one.. A half of one... A nibble... No." Because we all know what a fucking nibble leads to!!

Anyway, I guess that puts my total somewhere around 200-300, but even if it was 400 I'd be just as happy! Under 500! Yay!

Thoughts on Happiness
So, a couple people have mentioned how happy and positive I am. And sometimes I kind of take it for granted. It's taken me several miserable years to get as happy as I am. But, I don't mean to sound like an expert. I still have my issues. And I'm still learning how to get truly motivated. But I guess I have figured out some techniques, and I kind of want to share them. Especially since typing it all out helps me understand it even better, hehe!

Basically my life theory boils down to this: Being sad is a waste of time.

Last night was a low. Not the worst, but definitely not good.
And I woke up this morning and reminded myself that if I spent all day being sad about how FAT I am, I'd probably end up binging or sitting around doing nothing about it. Happiness is pure motivation. Happy people get shit done! It's true. 

Maybe I don't have the ultimate, healthy kind of happiness doctors and psychologists talk about. 
But fuck them. I'm going to do what's right by me.

I know that if I only think about where I am right now, it's not half as motivating as thinking about where I want to be. We don't look at photos of girls with the same body type as us for a reason, right? I find it way more inspiring to think about having a great body than moping over my crappy body.

I try to shut up those voices that keep telling me I'm fat. They're not actually helpful. Constantly putting myself down never gets me anywhere. It's going, "Fuck you food! I'm on the road to SKINNY!!" Instead of, "God I'm way too fat to eat that ;( I wish I could though. My life sucks." that gets me in the mood to "stay strong". 

How can you stay strong if you're always punching yourself in the face?

For me it's like, "Yeah. Tell me something I don't know. Let's do something positive with this now."
I'm not an expert. I can't always think like that. I crash and burn a lot, and obviously I binge.
But I scrape myself off the floor and move on. And I think what has helped me to be positive and motivated is practice, lol. Practicing that technique of "get knocked down, get back up!"

Hating yourself burns: 0 calories 
Telling yourself you're fat burns: 0 calories

Not to mention I use to surround myself with people who did nothing but knock themselves down and do nothing but whine about it. Which is what I use to do. And I found it only made me gain weight. And there's nothing I hate more, so that technique had to change!! Haha

"I get knocked down, but I get back up. You're never gonna keep me down!" 

I know it's cheesy, and I honestly don't practice it more than five minutes a day, but...
Love yourself. 
If only for the sake of making changes.
Or just long enough to get off the sofa and move it!!
Because how much longer do you want to hate yourself because you're fat?
And how far has hating your fat gotten you?

Of course that hate is what got us started.
But is it what keeps you going at a steady rate?
For me, no. But we're all different.

I know most ED mentalities are "PUNISH YOURSELF!!!!!!!" but I can't live the rest of my life like that. I've done that enough. And I want to get much better at being happy.

I saw these ladies on YouTube the other night and omg it just motivated me to dance so much!! I know, it's a bit "slutty", but god they are hott! No clue what they're singing about because it's Russian but it sounds good! Lol! 

 Thank you guys so much for all of your sweet words. <3 It means so much to me.
I'll try to keep posting my motivational thoughts, I'm glad they help you! <3

Stay strong ladies! <3

Sunday, January 30, 2011

This Body is Just a Temp

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
But sometimes I think I'm trying to find myself under all of this fat.
I had a super low night after eating so much. I just felt awful. 
I felt like all the progress I've made means nothing because I'm still fat. 

I promised myself I wouldn't tell my boyfriend how low I was feeling. I was still crying when he called, and I had to shut myself up so many times, but by the end of the conversation I cracked and admitted I was upset about my body, about how heavy I am. I can tell it hurts him when I say this shit. I know I'm being ridiculous to everyone else. I know no one else sees me as "obese" when I have a perfectly average weight. 
But average might as well be morbidly obese.

Sometimes it feels like this horrible beast. Like losing weight is an epic battle for your life and you're just always getting beaten down by things not of your control. But it's really not. 
It's just a simple matter of saying no. Of remembering what's more important.
And I need to stay in that mindset. I'm going to make that binge motivation.
It was DUMB. And I'm not. I'm stronger than that and I'm going to prove it.

And really it didn't set me back THAT much. It was only a potato, some grilled chicken and a salad. The ranch dressing was the problem, but that's okay, I'll work it off like everything else.

I'm fasting as much as I'm allowed today! I had to eat some mandarin orange slices this morning so everyone else would be happy that I ate. Somewhere better 60 and 90 calories.

I don't know if I can get out of dinner, but I'm going to try my best. 
 I feel mostly empty, a tad bit hungry. And it makes me feel prettier... I know I'm not any different than I was yesterday, atleast not by much, but my stomach is flat and not bloated and I feel great. :) It's motivating!

I'm going to work out later and I'm already feeling better. I will get there.
I am not stuck with this body. This body is temporary.
It's a punishment for eating so much.

But I will be thin in time! I guess that's what gets me really down, feeling like I'm stuck in this body. It really helps to remember it's only for now. Just a little longer. In fact, I decided how much longer.

Send me strength! <33 Thank you so much for the comments! I'll reply soon!
And yes, absolutely go ahead and make a body priority list if you want to!
I saw it on someone else's blog a while back! :)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Aftermath

No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated and disciplined.
OMG I knowww, another post! I am awful.
So, thank GOD, we didn't eat at a restaurant!! Yay! I haaaate having to eat in public, not because I'm all that embarrassed to eat in front of people but because there's NO way of REALLY calculating how many calories you're eating, not to mention there's no way of really knowing WHAT you're eating. I'd rather have 1000 calories in grapes and bananas than 1000 calories of fat-soaked pasta with salt-loaded salt-sauce and meat-by-product-balls. 

However, that does mean I ate milk(faaat) and cheerios. Simply not as healthy as I'd like (though I do loooove cheerios). But oh well. Atleast I'm not feeling hungry right now. =) Having lots of fresh fruit in my diet lately is really making me feel good, and definitely helping me regain strength for my workouts. 

So, I've had grapes (60) and mandarin orange slices (70) and cheerios w/milk(~200). 330 cal. But dinner is yet to come, and I'm definitely having a drink with my dad tonight. He bought rum just for me, how could I say no? I know, if I was a skinny girl I could say no.... =/
Well, atleast I can workout until dinner, and then after dinner (if I'm sober enough to). 
I guess going over 500 calories a day isn't so bad. But it's nice to aim low-ish.

Man, why do you guys read this stuff? Lmao I am so dull. ;/
I love you guys so much for it though. I wish I had a magical recipe for 0 calorie, fat-burning brownies. I'd bake you all a ton and mail them out with lots and lots of loooove! 8) Oh, and then bake myself a literal ton and stuff my face for the rest of my life.

Maybe I should just write a letter to Nasa.....

After dinner edit:
Well..... Ho hum. I binged at dinner.
I definitely made it to atleast 900 calories, if not 1000....
For the day, that is. Not in one meal.

Chicken, potato and salad... with ranch dressing. The ranch is what kills my diet every time!
Fuck that shit. God I hate it so much.. and love it too. =( I want to cry.
You ever feel like you're just drowning in fat? Like it's going to swallow your head and you're going to suffocate? Yeah, that's what I feel like every day. I feel like there's just great gobs of lard dangling off the sides of my face, and my hips, ass and thighs all giggle in unison in this terrifying horror show I like to call "Rowan walking" and no one can pry their eyes off my bloated, sagging arms out of sheer disgust and terror...
I need to work so much harder. 
Some days it's so easy to say no to food...
And others my body sends my mind a million excuses:
"Come on, live a little! Life is too short to not enjoy the little things!" and "It's just one meal! You'll work it off!" and "Normal people eat like this, and they aren't necessarily fat!"

Fuck you, body. Fuck you. I don't WANT to work off another meal! 
How will I ever work off any of the others if I'm always adding more? :(

Of course it never seems to say, "Come on, you know you love being fat!" because that would shut my mouth instantly. I want to purge, but it's been much too long.
Looks like I'll be staying up pretty late so I can get some time to myself to work out...
Lord knows I need atleast a week straight of non-stop crunches. Too bad I don't get that much time to myself.

Anyway. I know this isn't a huge tragic deal. I'm going to work out and I'll feel better.
Just needed to vent... as usual. ;) 
<3 Wish I could talk to one of you for real. 
I hate feeling so alone in this battle.
Stay strong!

A New Day

I can't help myself, I'm addicted to a life of material.
It's some kind of joke, I'm obsessively opposed to the typical.
All we care about is runway models, cadillacs and liquor bottles.
- GaGa

Just had a quick morning workout before I have to go out for the day. There's a good chance I'm going to have to eat at a restaurant with my family for lunch or dinner. And there's nothing in this world that scares me more. =/ So this morning I had a bowl of cheerios with milk. It was pretty much the serving size, but I'll round it up to 200 calories. I just don't want to go out on an empty or even mostly empty stomach - I'm going to need some strength if I get confronted with gross, fatty, over-salted, giant proportion restaurant food. Ugh. Wish me luck.

Also, I'm sorry for posting so often lately. It just seems to be giving me a lot of strength, and so are your comments, but I don't blame you at all if you're sick of reading lol. I just really need this right now. If you don't wish to follow me anymore I understand too.

Anyway, here's a list of my body priorities:
1] Skinny legs (thighs mostly)
2] Skinny arms (upper arms, including shoulders)
3] Cheekbones - Hate my chubby cheeks!
4] Small, toned bum (I don't mind having a bit of a butt, as long as it's in good shape)
5] Flat stomach
6] I'd like to see my spine a bit more
7] Over-all weight loss, obviously.

My stomach is the most toned area of my body because I work at it the most. But now the rest of my body needs to catch up before I go much further with that, lol! But yeah, basically my legs need the most work.

So some of that is strictly weight loss (cheekbones, spine, ribs, etc.) and some of it is going to take more working out. I mean, I guess I could not work out and just eat nothing, but I'd rather be able to eat a little. If I can't eat at all, I'm going to get caught. Oh and I'm going to die. Not sure which would be worse yet. =P Just kidding.. I guess. Not to mention, my boyfriend is an excellent cook and takes food rather seriously. I can't be completely miserable about food when I'm around him. I'm going to have to bite the bullet occasionally. So working out is always going to be on my agenda.

Anyway. I'm going to try really, really hard not to eat much today. Already had 200 out of my 500 calories, so I've got to stay super focused. I think I'm going to put a bit of thinspo on my phone so I can take a peek before we go eat.

Oh yeah, and I did follow through last night and worked out a bunch! In fact, everything feels slightly tighter this morning, woo-hoo! My exercise binge is starting to pay off already, yay! <3

Wish me luck ladies! Have a beautiful day!

& Don't hate me if I post again later! :D lol

Friday, January 28, 2011

Time to Motivate!!

It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up.

 I ate too much tonight. Chicken tenders, and I had a whole one. Atleast it was only 1 out of the 3 I was given, and they were from a local restaurant, not McDonalds or anything gross like that. It's so hard not to stuff my face when I'm so bloody hungry. But I guess that's the point. Atleast all day I had nothing but fruit until dinner. I did have a lot of fruit though. The mandarin orange slices this morning, most of an apple, grapes, and an orange.

People on the SGD (skinny girl diet) don't count fruit and veggies, and after I read that I felt much less guilty... But I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing, lol. 

Really there's no point in feeling guilty though. It's not going to get me closer. What I do in the here and now is what gets me closer. Which is why I'm posting right now -- I need that jolt of motivation and desire I get from being on here. I've got time to myself for several hours, so I'm going to work my fat ass out until I can't move anymore.

I'm trying to balance several things in my mind right now:
1] I don't want to lose my boobs. Boobs = fat and I know my body wants to burn them off.
2] I don't want to keep taking my diet to such extremes that I can never eat anything because I have no metabolism. 
3] I want to be skinny.
4] If I have no strength from lack of food, I can't work out.
5] If I can't work out, I can't tone anything, and I'll start burning fewer calories.
6] I know other people eat nothing and work out until they collapse - but that's not going to last in the long term.

Maybe I'm not ana. Maybe because I see the future I'm not. Maybe because I want a semi-healthy balance I don't have an ED. I don't know what defines it for sure, but... I want to keep losing, regardless. I can't keep looking like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to be fat and ugly for the rest of my life.

It's such a conundrum isn't it?

I purged a bit. Oh gosh. Maybe I need to take the purging down a notch already, lol.

Back to the grindstone for me! My muscles are aching and I know it's a good sign but goddam it's making it hard to keep going. I can do it though!

Once more, with feeling!


Award + Updates

I'm gonna make it happen this time. - Lady Gaga

First of all, just wanted to say that I'm officially back down to 110. Thank GOD. I was so worried I'd have to update my numbers. So today I've had a small bowl of mandarin orange slices (I'm going to round that up a bit to 100 calories). 

And that's it. And I've been for a bit of a hike outside. Going to stay mothafudging focused today!! I want to lose!! I can feel my bum getting tighter from the workouts I've been doing, it's really really satisfying. Also trying out Tracy Anderson's workouts on YouTube. Yeah, she's the one that trains celebs and has those awesome infomercials about getting in shape without getting bulky muscle -- YES PLEASE!! I want her to be my personal trainer!! Augh!! Here's one of her videos:

I found her tips about keeping your fingers and wrists really engaged during arm workouts to be wonderfully true, and I think it's what I do wrong a lot of the time because I could REALLY feel it afterwards. Also, she's fucking adorable. <3 

Okay, so the amazing, awesome, sweet and sexy Skinny_El gave me the Honest Scrap award! I really don't know what to say, because I had no idea my blog was interesting enough for such a thing. It's just my way of venting that I so desperately need, as we are all familiar with.
So I have to write 10 things about myself and pass it on to 5 other bloggers!

1} I drink a ton of green and white tea. Specifically 4C Totally Lite Pomegranate Green Tea Mix and the honey flavored one too - they're 0 calories! I also brew green tea of all varieties, though I'm finding my favorite is Gevalia's fruit flavored green and white teas. I drink anywhere from 4 to 8 glasses a day, often more. 

2} The part of my body that needs the most work: Thighs.

3} I have a very hard time being friends with girls IRL, because all I can do is compare myself to them and it makes me so distant. I prefer to be around guys. Things are just way more simple that way.

4} My biggest motivation to lose weight is my boyfriend. I know, its rather shallow, but it's the truth. I just want to be his little doll. (: He's always telling me I'm already perfect but I think we both know there's plenty of room for improvement.

5} I have green eyes. ;)

6} I actually never wear pink, with the exception of hair flowers and some minor accessories. I'm usually wearing black.

7} If I could afford one I would get a boob job too, without question. That would alleviate all my fears about losing weight.

8} I've had nightmares about family/friends finding this blog...

9} Art is my passion in life. Specifically graphic design, illustration and web design.

10} I'm going to make a thinspo scrap book!

And now, to pass it on, in no particular order:

1] To Azzie - You were my first follower and I've been following you since your first post too. You put a lot of things in perspective for me, and you're probably the strongest, most dedicated girl I know. I wish I had the control you do! You're also gorgeous and I wish you could see it the way the rest of us do! <3

2] To Olivia Lee - I only just started following you, but I've already come to love your blog! It's so cute and you post the sweetest thinspo! You also seem to be terribly strong and I admire that so much. I will definitely be following you for the long term! <3

3] To Emma - I just started following you too, but you've motivated me so, so much. I think if I hadn't read those first few posts of yours I wouldn't be doing so well today. I love the thinspo, quotes and motivational philosophies you post. Thank you, truly! I only hope I can keep up with your progress! ;) <3

4] To Astrid - I've been following your blog for quite some time, and you've inspired me and taught me more than I can say. Not to mention the subjects you bring up for others to comment on, which I have learned from also. I love your long, detailed posts that are so clearly from your heart, and I can relate so well. Keep writing, please! <3

5] To Kate -I guess this is a pretty weird nomination. And I'm sorry I'm using my last slot to nominate someone I've never talked to and who stopped posting months ago... But, Kate's blog was the first Ana blog I ever read. She opened me up to this wonderful thing that has kept me from going mad with loneliness and lack of someone to talk to. Surely I could talk to someone who would want me to stop, yes, I understand that. But I want someone who understands, who doesn't look down on me for what I want, who doesn't get uncomfortable by calorie counting and daily weigh-ins. Not to mention her blog still has a ton of great resources, information and inspiring posts and photos - there's a LOT there, from info on how many calories you get rid of when you purge to weight loss apps for your phone. I sincerely hope that where ever you are, or whatever you're doing, you are happy and staying strong. <3 <3

There were quite a few other people I wanted to nominate, including El, but a lot of them have already received this award. Anyway, I love everyone who reads my blog, whether you comment or not, and I love you for letting me follow your journey. It means a lot to not feel so alone. <3

 Now back to working out! Yay!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Skinny, Give me Strength...

Don't lose sight, remember what you are,
What you aren't,
And where you want to be.
Dear Rowan,
Don't lose your motivation. Don't stop, don't eat.
Keep moving, keep moving.

Ugh. Sorry for posting again so soon. I just ate dinner and I can't purge because my family won't find something to do other than hang around outside the bathroom. I'm really unhappy about it. Why am I suddenly craving it so much? =/ I ate too much. And by too much I mean I think I went over 500 calories for today.

Someone hit me with a boat oar.

I never calculate how many calories I burn. Maybe I should start? Maybe that would make me feel better... But then, I don't really want to feel better. Because the better I feel, the less I'm going to try. No, I don't need any encouragement to eat more.

 Well, back to the grindstone.
Now I have to work out on a full tummy. And every time I cramp up I'll have to take a break. But I can stay up until around 4am and it's only about 9 o'clock. So I should be able to burn atleast a little.

But I'm so glad I have this blog. I'm so glad I can get these thoughts out so I can move on.
I'm not giving up!!

The best thinspo pictures in the world are pictures of myself.
And by that I mean it's wonderfully (and horribly) inspiring. I want to look better.
I'm sick of looking like myself. I want to be a doll, I want to be unfathomably light and delicate.
FUCK! Okay! Getting back to work!

<3 Love ya!

Just A Daily Thing :)

I'm going to do what it takes.
 Because I want it more than anything
including food.

Today's "meals" were pretty similar to yesterday.
A small bowl of mandarin orange and peach slices in (all natural) juice. (No sugar)
Then a home-made "trail mix" of craisins, peanuts and cheerios.
I didn't measure because I was in a hurry, but I'd say it was about a cup all-total and I ate about half of it between hikes outside, in the snow.
Plus about six eight-ounce glasses of tea, some mixed with a pinch of apple juice.

But dinner hasn't gotten here yet. And you know what?
I'm going to fuckin' purge it. First of all though, I'm going to eat as little, as slowly and chew it as much as possible. Then I'm going to purge it. 
I don't care if purging it bad. I really, really don't.

I want to try Zumba. There's a million infomercials on about it, and it looks like a great idea. Dancing has already helped me change my body so much. But I'm way too awkward and clumsy to go to a class... I wish I could afford it. Siiiigh.
I'm sure there's a way to pirate it online though, hahaha. I know, I suck.

So I'd say I'm back to my under-500 calorie daily diet. I don't know how I jumped back into it without much thought.... Okay, that's a lie. It's all I think about. I just expected to really have to sit myself down and smack my fatass around a bit to get me to really listen and change, haha.

I feel like I'm really back on track, finally!!

Oh, but I was an asshole to myself again today and weighed after eating. Down three pounds from yesterday's freak weigh-in, lmfao. So.... Yeah. I really need to weigh in the morning. I just don't get the chance to lately. Fudge!! I am such a loser. OH HELL. I mean well.

ALSO: Thank you SO SO SO SO much, Skinny_El, for giving my blog an award! I am so, so touched. It means a lot that my blog means something to you...

It's kinda weird in a way. I wouldn't be even slightly interested in "normal" peoples' blogs. 

I really wouldn't. But I LOVE to read every little detail you guys write down, even if it's about your shoes or your dog or your shitty parents or the paint drying on your wall. I find myself in love with your blogs. 

I wish we could be friends IRL. I want someone to talk to about these things so badly, but this is as close as I can get... It sucks, but I love you guys, and I can't wait to sit down and make some choices on who to pass that award on to!! <3 <3 <3 Stay tuned. ;)

Ohhh and, I added some music. I hope that's not annoying! It's mostly happy-go-lucky retro stuff, partly because it's so ironic and partly because I love old timey music. Specifically stuff from the 20's-40's. And some 50's and 60's. Lol! And if I could get my hands on more stuff from the early 1900-10's I would love that too!!  

I may post again after dinner. But for now, back to my yoga mat for a few hundred more crunches and squats!!


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Purging & Period + Tummy Thinspo!

I couldn't really tell you why I just purged for the first time in... so long I can't remember.
I never purged very seriously. But I totally gave it up for like years. And today I stepped on my Wii Fit to see I had gained almost 5 lbs. 

Wow. I just ran to the bathroom, tears in my eyes and puked up what little I ate today.
I had a small bowl of mandarin oranges and peaches, a (literal) pinch of Craisins, a granola bar, soup broth (didn't eat any of the meat or veggies) and about 3/4 of an apple. Considering it was mostly healthy stuff, I had no reason to purge. It couldn't have been over 400 calories. I'm still kinda wondering why I convinced myself to do it...

Of course I knew it was a super bad time to weigh myself. I've got my period, I had four 8-ounce cups of tea, two cups of apple juice and a cup of cranberry/peach juice, along with some water and everything up there I had already eaten. Normally I weigh in the morning, and not after I eat. It was dumb. 

But... purging felt extraordinary...

I feel like the option has opened up to me better than it ever did. I feel like I can do it really well, too. I'm good at doing it quietly now also, apparently. Boy what a great skill to have. Glad I could put that on a resume, lmfao...

But it makes me feel braver about going to my boyfriends. I can say, screw you chinese food! I can puke you right back up!

I know there's a percentage of those calories you keep but it's better than keeping all of them.

Anyway, continuing to work out every free second I can. Going to try really hard not to eat again tonight. And if I do, I'm going to make sure it's just a few more slices of a mandarin orange or something.

Those pics are all set to "small", so click on them or right click and say "view" to see them bigger if you want to save the full-size versions ;)

Also thank you guys so much! I'm so glad my posts are motivating to you! I know this one isn't super motivating but I actually am feeling good!! Hope you are too! <3 Stay strong and keep thinking those thin thoughts! We'll be there in no time, beautiful!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Food Shopping & Thinspo Binge

"You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be."

 I've always felt so LARGE. So bulky, heavy, awkward and in-the-way. It's hard to imagine what it will be like to be tiny. Yeah, I'm already short, but 115 lbs isn't small. 

I'm trying to really picture a tiny, sculpted butt and flat stomach - so flat, there would be no flesh to pinch, just muscle under skin, a lean-mean-skinny-machine!

Of course I've seen a million pictures but it's hard to fathom that being MY body... How can you even picture such a thing? It's nearly impossible to pretend... And yet...

It's surprisingly motivating, despite not having those features yet. "Yet" being the key word!

Just imagine: My love, admiring and lightly touching my flawless soft hips and my smooth, toned bum....

Well, I'm no romance novelist, but you get the picture. The thought of being lovely and tiny for HIM is the best motivation in the world, and imagining those assets on ME for HIM to enjoy.. OMFG I could give up food for the rest of my life! 

He gives me so much, he loves me so deeply, he is my other half and so much more, all I want is to make him proud. To be the lovely little lady on his arm that is too delicious for words - perfect and adorable and sexy. I want to make him feel good while we participate in some PDA, taking me to stores and flaunting me while his friends come over for game nights (which I partake in! I know, a hot girl that plays video games? I'm going to be awesome! Hahaha).
I wake up every morning hoping to see the results of last night's work out. I know, ludicrous, but I keep looking. I think I see changes... It's so hard to tell....

But I took those photos. Those BEFORE photos.
Can't wait to compare them with the afters. ;)
Had half of a granola bar, some Craisins and a few roasted peanuts.
I know, not exactly SGD worthy, but I'm working my ass off! I don't want to destroy my metabolism so quickly. 

However, I really need to get back to 500 calories a day. I went for SO long eating like that, then out of the blue those few weeks back just crashed and burned, longest binge ever...

Anyway! We went grocery shopping today. Tried reading labels to find some "safe" foods. There's no such thing. They put nasty fatty shit in everything, FUCK! Atleast fruits and veggies are safe-ish.

And last night I went on a Thinspo Binge, hehe. Saved well over 200 pictures! I'm trying to revamp my collection by only saving "happy" pictures - no more doom n gloom sad-looking thin girls. It's just not motivating. Not trying to be miss Mary Sunshine, I just really need all the help I can get when it comes to motivation. And if the picture has a good, up-beat mood and "happy energy" to it, it's going to make me feel better, even if just slightly. And I need it. SO THATS THAT.

I'll get there. =) Thanks for reading guys. I try to reply on your posts when I can. 
I really appreciate the following and support.
I know I'm a bit of a nutcase... I'm trying though.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

We Deserve It!!

"Have convictions. Stick to your beliefs as they stick to theirs. Work as hard as they do." - Eleanor Roosevelt 

Sorry to post again so soon. I just got thinking. Silly me. ;)

I got thinking about the past. About how I viewed, or, more appropriately, how I DIDN'T view myself and my weight. I never gave it a second thought. Even a few years ago, at the start of highschool (I have since graduated, but it doesn't seem very far past) I couldn't be bothered. I did not give a CRAP.
But I did recognize what pretty was. Pretty was a blond girl with a flat stomach and fabulous flawless thighs in short-shorts. Pretty was everything I wasn't. But Pretty was also so foreign, so alien, it was UNOBTAINABLE. So OUT OF REACH. So OFF LIMITS.

It just seemed to be the way life was. I was decently smart, had friends, but was fat. I am fat. That's all. There was a divide, a barrier between our worlds. It must be nature, it must be the way the world works: They're pretty, I'm not. I HATE them. They're DUMB because they're PRETTY. I don't want to be them (though secretly I do)!
I feel like it wasn't until recently that I came to the conclusion that if I worked for it, I....
I could be pretty too...
Maybe I can have both. Maybe I can be a nerd and look good.
Maybe I can have a tiny waist...

Why not?
So I went for it.

And years later... I know what it takes.
I know how far I need to go.
I know how far I've come.

And I'm here to tell you:

WE DESERVE IT. We deserve it more than the girls born into it.
And we deserve it more than the girls that take it for granted.

We deserve it with every drop of sweat, every drop of blood and every tear we have ever shed.
WE deserve those bodies.
We have earned it through our suffering and there is no power out there that can deny us.

What we don't deserve is the suffering.
Because I'll tell you ladies...
We are deeper thinkers, with stronger feelings, greater convictions and far more powerful passions than any of those mindless brats.
And we have suffered ENOUGH.

Never feel empty. You are filled with far more than you know.
There's more to you than that shallow pool of cold vanity, even if that's what we strive for.

So let our hearts be full, not our stomachs.
We can have hapiness.



These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.