Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Just a Quickie

"Every week, have an ‘enjoyable’ fitness exercise session such as cycling, dancing, swimming, running or yoga exercise, in addition to your daily fitness exercise program."
- Nicole Kidman

Good Morning

Send me strength ladies! I expect today to be a long one, I've got a lot to get done before I leave and I know I'll be out at the mall and shopping centers, delicious scents wafting my way via food courts.

Breakfast: Mandarin orange slices (80 cal)

Wish I had apples left, they're so low cal. It was oranges, peaches or banana, and god knows I don't need the 105 calories that banana is packing.

 My jeans feel a bit looser today, my tummy a bit more flat, and that gap between my thighs is spreading again, and my cheeks feel noticeably less pudgy thank fucking god.

I still haven't weighed myself since I returned to blogger. If I do well over my vacation, which I WILL, I'm going to weigh myself upon my return. Go me! I'm so scared I could just vomit though. Every ounce of me feels like I went back up to 118, or maybe worse, 120. It seems my body's comfort range is 110 - 120. But that's just not fucking good enough for me.

 Okay, gotta split! Love you guys, I'll update later! <3

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
489 570 495 430
80 600
Final Total :: Calorie Goal :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete
This Week's Excess Calories: 100

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Devotion, Mindset, Drive & Sacrifice

To Regret or Not to Regret?

That is the question... I just finished dinner. Welcome back to the clean your plate club, Rowan. :( Okay, so it's really not that bad. We had leftover chicken and veggie stew, and I didn't have a very large portion. But I feel HORRIBLY full. :( I cleaned my plate. Didn't leave a scrap on it. Ugh. This is what I get for eating so late...

Breakfast: 1 orange (80)

Dinner: Chicken and veggie stew (~350)

Total: 430 cal

NOOO!! :( 30 calories over for the day, fuck my life!

I know 430 is still not a bad intake, but I set a goal goddamn it. :( Why can't I just stick to it? Why can't I say no to food altogether, for that matter? 

I'm so mixed up about how to feel... I know I've expected a lot of myself, this being the first week back to my "normal" diet, and I've done pretty damn well, all things considered, but I also want perfection.. Also, I don't want to feel full. And I feel full right now. 

But I'm not going to purge. I'm trying to stay away from purging. Partly because it's a lot of work and partly because I purged every day, after every meal and snack, for a week and a half straight when I was "out of control" and even now if I swallow funny it still feels a bit sore. Not to mention I felt like I was drunk 24/7, dizzy and in a fog, feeling dirty and awful. 

Food Dreams - How to Tell Food is Your Life

I had a dream that in the future, if you didn't want to eat food you didn't have to, you could just take these pills that had all the vitamins and nutrients you could possibly need for the day and you could choose how many calories they were (even 0 calorie) and you could even choose how full you wanted to feel - hungry, empty, bloated, etc. - and there were also all of these new foods that were simulations of real food, but all 0 calorie. I binged and binged and binged on brownies and cake and tacos and then walked away with my fabulously thin and perfect body...

Then I woke up and for a second worried that I had some kind of mental breakdown over night or that perhaps I had been sleep walking/eating and had stuffed my face all night on the chocolate cake in the kitchen and was going to look in the mirror to see my gut bloated to 2000 times its normal size, chocolate smeared like the remnants of a brutal crime across my face, frosting in my hair making it stand on end and chocolate syrup dripping from my chin like a pig wallowing in mud..

Thank fucking god, I did no such thing. It was JUST a dream. Wonderful and terrible all at once, reminding me how torturous it can feel sometimes, to say no to things you do enjoy.

Because the truth is, I don't hate food. I love food.

But the fact of the matter is, food is a drug. You can either be addicted to the drug, or addicted to something greater, something that will benefit and make you happy all day - not just the ten or even thirty minutes it takes you to scarf it down.

Elly put it so well: "You don't say 'I am a body' - you say 'I have a body'. The Body is a burden, a sheer shell with which to carry your mind, contain it, hide it. The Body needs to be reigned in - it's untamed, like a wild animal."

Her post at the Ana/Mia Chronicles was just so eloquent and perfect, you should all read it:


So, two red dots for my calendar this week. :( Hopefully there will be no more.

By the way, no, I don't take out calories that I've burned. There's several sets of stairs in my house that I'm running up and down all day, and I have a short workout I normally do. I make it longer if I ate more or if I have the energy to keep going, etc. And I go for hikes (I live in the middle of the woods) on a daily basis. So I know I burn a fair amount. And I also know that if I found out I burned 500 calories a day I would let myself eat way more than I do. So I just don't calculate it.

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
489 570 495 430
400 600
Final Total :: Calorie Goal :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete
This Week's Excess Calories: 100

Rise and Shine!

Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day
- Poets of the Fall

 Good Morning Pretty Ladies!

 Feeling much better today, hooray! And even better, I woke up and everyone else was eating cereal with milk (my favorites too - honey cheerios and raisin bran crunch) and I was like, "Maybe just a bowl... It's only like.... 260... calories..." And Ana said, "No. You'll just feel guilty. You know it feels better to resist." And she was right. I had an orange, which was just as delicious and came with the added bonus of being healthy and low cal, of course. So I feel pretty damn good! Normally I give in to my cereal cravings. So proud of myself!!

Breakfast: 1 Orange (80 cal)

Last Night was Rough.

Last night was oddly horrible... While talking to the boy I asked him if he was flirting with another girl. Now, he is the most honest, wonderful, romantic man in the entire world and I know he treasures me just as much as I treasure him, and he was really hurt by what I said. :( I apologized for ages, I knew he wouldn't do something like that...

It's just that I'm so insecure. I don't feel good enough for him. And in the far back of my mind there's still pieces of the girl I use to be - the girl in the crappy, abusive relationships that just expects to be hurt all the time. And sometimes, in my moments of weakness, she speaks.
I was just so ill yesterday and so weak, but I couldn't tell him, "I'm starving so I look good for our vacation, okay?!" and I was just feeling low, so I let the comment slip out without thinking about how it would make him feel.

I already knew the answer. I just wanted to hear him say it.
And deep down I know exactly what kind of reassurance I was hoping for:
"Oh hon of course not! You're so much more beautiful than she is!"
That's not what he said... But I still sort of wish he had brought it up.

 Because I am so vain. 

And even though I really do want to hear, "I love you and wouldn't do that," I also want to know that I'm prettier. Is that wrong? :(

 Anyway, we've been texting all morning about how much we love each other and we're both sorry for making the other one sad, blah blah blah. I really need to stay in control of my mouth though. I know when I'm hungry and exhausted I say the most awful things, I get suspicious and paranoid and jealous... 

It will be better in a few weeks when I've been on track for a while and my body is happy on a 500 calorie day.

 New Page - Low Cal Ideas!

Check it out! I added another page last night when I had to take a break from working out. It's a collection of food suggestions from different blogs and websites that I come across. I'm really bad at saving them, and so I forget, but now I have a reason to remember!! The link is at the top of my blog with the other pages! If you gave me a suggestion and I didn't link to your blog, please let me know so I can add a link to you! :)

Also -
Thanks for the compliments on my calendar guys! I can't believe how encouraging it's been! It's like a game - I don't want to get any red dots! Haha! But if you want to steal it absolutely feel free! Or I can send you the code, I totally don't mind! :) It's just a table.

Also adding a blue dot, so we know today's intake isn't completed yet. I'll update this post or post again after dinner. :) I think I'll be ready to pass on that award by then! Sorry it's taking a while!

<3 Love you guys!

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
489 570 495 80
400 600
Final Total :: Calorie Goal :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete
This Week's Excess Calories: 70

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Feeling It

Does it ever feel exhausting,
Knowing that we'll be doing this forever?
Oh, Hello, Today..
Feeling really ill today, I think I shouldn't have taken tums last night in hopes of killing my cravings. I ended up feeling like puking all day, but there's really nothing to puke. I feel weak too. Just another sign that I was a pig those weeks ago, and my body evidently liked have 1000+ calories a day and is seriously protesting getting back on track...

But I feel blessed that my stomach flattens out pretty quickly. It's the one part of me I think is actually decent. Not perfect, but not my biggest worry either. I can trust it to change the quickest, so it's nice to be able to feel it getting smaller, tighter... My thighs, however, seem to be impossible to change... They are so stubborn.

Anyway. I decided this morning that I would change my goal to 500, because I think if I did 300 today there'd be no chance of me working out tonight. And I need that more than just starving.

 Lunch/Stack: Apple (35) and assorted dry cereals (110)

Dinner: Veggie and chicken stew (made by my mom) ~350?

Total: 495 cal

It feels like I ate so much though...

I set some goals for the rest of the week, I don't know if I'll keep them since I don't know what will be going on later, but it looks good right now. :)

Preparing for Vacation
(this is mostly for me and probably boring, just to warn you)

Since I'm going away and will be eating restaurant food, I wanted to do some research now so I know roughly how many calories are in the things I know we'll be eating.

I'm using a few different calorie websites and restaurants and taking an average of what they say.

Turkey Club 510
Pancakes(2) 520
Chimichanga 1000
French Fries 500
(Pancakes with syrup and butter; large french fries)

God those numbers are so ugly! :( The Chimichanga is a really rough estimate on my part, since there weren't many reliable answers on the web. So obviously I need to eat half of each portion, bring home leftovers and let someone else finish them, lol.

I am dreading eating... :( I've just barely started to do well again...
Not to mention I know how these foods make me act and I know how good my friends and boyfriend make me feel, and it's so easy to just cave in...

But I can't. I won't. Not this vacation. I'm done with this game of binging one week and starving the next. I've got to stay on track for the long term this time.

French fries are easy to avoid. But I don't know how to cope with Mexican foods. Especially at his favorite restaurant, where everything is drenched in cheese and sour cream. I guess I'll just have to find a way to eat REALLY slow, and quit as soon as I possibly can. On Sunday we're going out for pancakes for a friend's birthday. I wish there were healthy choices at a Pancake House, but I don't think so, any suggestions?

Awards?! What?!

Thank you Bella and Kissa both for nominating me for another award! I feel so honored! I thought my blog had fallen under the radar again, hehe. It kills me to see you lovely ladies so sad, but maybe it will cheer you up to know you made my sick day so much brighter? <3 I will post the award and complete the rules soon. Right now I gotta go work out! Love you guys!

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
489 570 495 400
400 600
Final Calorie Total :: Calorie Goal :: Met Goal :: Over Goal
This Week's Excess Calories: 70

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Step Away from the Food!

Suffer the pain of discipline
Or suffer the pain of regret.

 Just Me Again...
(sorry for posting again so soon)

I don't know why I suddenly feel genuinely hungry, but it's really unpleasant. Aside from being uncomfortable and nagging, it also throws into sharp relief just how hard I fell off the wagon those few weeks. I'm still hungry after 570 calories? Really? This is pathetic. But also, all the more reason why I need to NOT eat.

So, after a nice long bubble bath I'm binging on thinspo and preparing to add it to my blog, and drinking gallons of hot, calorie-free tea. Not to mention reading as many lovely blogs as I possibly can. I will NOT eat. Today was a minor fail, it doesn't need to be a major fail. 

And this post is mostly just a time waster, so I don't spend it eating.

I don't know why but I just don't want to go to bed yet...

But I also don't want to eat...

So I'm doing this.


Also, I may have just learned of the most wonderful, amazing thing in the entire world: 0 calorie noodles. Uhm, what? I know. I checked them out and this company seems to have a whole line of 0 calorie foods. All the details are here, along with a place to order some:

If only I could order some without people getting suspicious. :( 

And to remind me one last time that I CAN NOT eat anything more tonight:

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
489 570 300

Final Calorie Total :: Calorie Goal :: Met Goal :: Over Goal
This Week's Excess Calories: 70

Good Day Sunshine

 Good-day sunlight, I'd like to say how truly bright you are
You don't know me but I know you,
You're my favorite.
- Jason Mraz

 So This is Today...

Hello ladies. :) I decided my blog needed some warming up, I was getting a bit sick of the pink. Unfortunately I haven't found much thinspo that fits the theme yet, so it may be a while before my blog is all decked-out again. ;) Also added a new playlist to go along. I think it feels much more cozy in here! It's my little diet haven, safe, warm and cozy... Mmm I am so (mentally, not physically) ready for summer!

Breakfast: 1 Cara Cara Orange (80 cal)

I woke up feeling empty, and truly I forgot how beautiful it feels... It's been a while... I've missed this so much. I feel so lost with out it, so out of control, so lacking in purpose. I'm not as empty as I would like to be, but I've got to keep myself from binging, it's so important right now. 

I'm going to go vacation with my boyfriend next week, so I won't be able to post. I'm going to try my hardest to count calories and keep them on my phone. It's so hard because we end up eating at restaurants a lot, and we're always "celebrating" something - anything/everything - with chocolate or Mexican food. He loves spoiling me, I just wish he knew how much I hate eating those foods... I mean, I love them, they're my favorite, but my thighs don't need them... 

But anyway, seeing him in a few days is my reason for restricting this week. I need to have a flat tummy when I see him, I need to feel light and delicate. I don't think 105 will be possible, but anything is better than what I am right now. 

So, I better get my butt in gear and go for a hike!

 I will update later after I eat dinner - I may just edit this post & update my calendar. :)

Love you guys! Stay strong and think thin!

Dinner Edit:

Dinner: Grilled atlantic salmon & a salad (small portions) (~400 cal)

Snack/Lunch: 1/2 cup Mandarin orange slices (90 cal)

Today's Total: 570 :(

UGH! If I hadn't had those orange slices it would be so much lower, but I caved when my sister was having a snack-fest and eating popcorn, pizza and chocolate this afternoon (before she had dinner, because her metabolism is AMAZING and she can eat WHATEVER she wants!) and I guess it could have been worse, I could have opted for some of that pizza that was smelling soooo good... My family also had chocolate cake after dinner and I said no, so I'm proud of myself for that. :) Of course, I find really really unhealthy things easy to say no to - it's those things that are semi healthy that I let myself munch away on (peanuts, cereal, granola, etc) and tell myself, "It's okay! They're mostly good for me!" when they're actually still quite high in calories (1/2 cup peanuts - 160 cal, 3/4 cup dry cereal - 180-300 cal, etc.)

But I keep hearing it's best to have a varied calorie intake, so your metabolism doesn't go into hibernation mode, and on the SGD the highest day is 700 calories... So, I'm going to consider 570 alright... Though tomorrow I hope I can go to the lowest day of SGD which is 300. I know it doesn't really matter what the SGD plan says since I'm not on it, but there must be something to it since so many girls trust & follow it!

So, I'm going to add a goal for the next day to my calendar, as well as some little red and green symbols to keep track of whether or not I met my goal. At the end of the week I'm going to total how many calories over my goals I went. I think adding all this structure to my "records" is really going to help keep me on track! So tomorrow's goal is 300 calories! And for the record my goal today was 500, so I did go over by 70 calories, even if I am considering it good by SGD's terms... Yeah, I'm crazy. Whatever! :D 

By the way, absolutely feel free to steal my calendar. Or if you want me to send you the code or make one for you I would totally love to, just leave a comment or send me a message! <3

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
489 570 300

Final Calorie Total :: Calorie Goal :: Met Goal :: Over Goal
This Week's Excess Calories: 70

Monday, March 14, 2011

Sweet Success!

The greatest thing you have is the 24 hours in front of you.
The past is gone; the future is distant.Today you CAN succeed. 

Today's Munchings & Musings

Breakfast: 1 Banana (105 cal)
Dinner: Chef Salad (~349 cal)
Turkey (42)
Craisins (100)
Greens (50)
Unsalted Sunflower seeds 47)
Ham (100)
Light Honey Mustard (100)
Snack/Dessert: Apple w/o peel (35 cal)

Also tons of 0cal tea - green tea with mango and passion fruit, peach green tea, 4C Totally Lite Pomegranate Green Tea and white tea with pear! Yummm! I wish I could live on this stuff. :) I used some of the iced pomegranate tea to sweeten and cool down the other teas so I didn't have to add sugar or honey, since the iced tea is 0 cal but sweet.

Total: 489
I feel so good and so happy right now. :) I went for a hike in the morning, went on a bike trainer for 30 minutes and spent the rest of the day cleaning the house, doing laundry, washing dishes, dusting and moving furniture, not to mention keeping myself moving at all times. I felt pretty hungry by dinner time, but thankfully we were having a salad with assorted toppings. I should have opted out of the meat, but I was being watched... Which feels like an excuse. But, I'm finally back under 500 calories for my intake - Yes! I don't know if I should start calculating how many calories I burn... I'm afraid it will just encourage me to eat more...

I saved my normal work out stuff for after dinner once I found out we'd just be eating a salad. I don't know if it's really good for me but I like working out before bed...

I didn't end up making the bracelet, but today isn't really over, so we'll see.

Every time I have a good day I really can't figure out why I waste time having shitty ones, hehe. Tomorrow will be even better. Regardless of how my body looks right now, progress is beautiful!

I want to take this to the next extreme, but I don't want to rush too much and set myself up for failure... Argh, if only I had stayed on track while on vacation, maybe I'd weigh 100 already. ;( Ohhh well! I must not be negative!

Also, going to start keeping a Calorie Calendar at the bottom of each post.

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

Embracing Today!

- Repo! The Genetic Opera

100+ Helpful Hints
 "Wake up happy! Your first thoughts are the most powerful, the strongest and they can set a tone for the day. You can easily train yourself to begin each and every day with a positive thought." - Our Lady of Weight Loss
Had a banana for breakfast (105 cal). Since I got up pretty early and have nowhere to go and am surrounded by lots of my favorite foods, I've decided to read through dieting tips which I have just posted on a NEW PAGE - 100+ Helpful Hints! (Link at the top of my blog). I didn't make the list, but I can't find where I got it, so I posted it separately. I will be adding to it. It's BY FAR the BEST list I have found. Almost every tip is well thought-out, clear, concise and unique, not to mention definitely helpful! 

Also, reading them is really inspiring and empowering!

Things I need to Work On:
"Focus especially on the first three bites. After that, the excitement of eating will begin to slowly subside, and you'll probably be content with a smaller portion."

"Put your fork down in between bites at meal time."

"In between each mouthful of food that you eat, take a sip of water. It fills you up and slows down your eating so that you stay in control and the meal doesn't turn into a flat-out binge."

"Chew every bite at least 20 times. It will make eating feel like a chore and you'll be bored with it before you've even finished."

I use to be really good at all of these things, but I've gotten sloppy and it's definitely caused me to eat more. The funny thing is, these aren't even starving tips. They're things I think everyone could benefit from, whether they're eating a stick of celery or ten slices of pizza and a bucket of wings.

A Tip From Rowan

When forced to eat at a restaurant, order something you don't like (if there's no low-calorie items available - or order a low calorie dish you don't like!). You're stuck there until everyone else is done eating and you know you'll continue to eat it if it's something you like, even when you should have stopped. Also, ordering foods that you will have to work to eat - like steak, which you will have to cut up - is another good idea, because you'll constantly be attending to what's on your plate and people will just assume you're eating it too.

Why is this tip coming from me?? Because I seriously need to follow it too!! lol
Things to Keep Me Busy Today

1) Make an ana bracelet. This is something I've wanted to do for a while, and what better reason than to keep myself busy and not eating? ;) I think I'll make mine black and pink though, since I don't consider myself full-on ana.

2) Walk the dogs. Already took them for one hike today, so once they are "recharged" we'll go for another one, lol.

3) Posting on here - I'll post again later with my day's intake and any other things I think of.

Man, it's good to be back. <3

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Time for Extremes.

When you're cooking, make sure you chew gum at the same time 
so you won't be tempted to take little bites of the stuff you're cooking.
- Just a random thin tip -

What's in my Tummy?
Well. This morning, there were pancakes for breakfast - but I feigned a stomach ache and didn't have ANY. Not even a bit of bacon! There were some apples sliced up to go with the pancakes so I had a few slices.

Breakfast: 0 cal.

 Snack: 1 apple, 1 orange. 95 cal

Then, I had to go out to dinner to celebrate my mum's birthday. Thankfully, it was a chain restaurant that put the calories on the menu. I chose a steak and shrimp dish that was 525 calories and a side of sweet potato. I had maybe 1/3 of the 6 oz steak, three shrimp, a good helping of the steamed broccoli, and a few bites of the sweet potato. I don't know how many calories I consumed exactly, but I don't really trust that that WHOLE dish was 525 calories anyway. 

Dinner: 500 cal ...maybe?

Ugh but then of course there had to be cake. I shared a slice with my sister, we didn't finish it, but I had several bites. :( 

Dessert: ~100 cal. :(

Somewhere around 695 calories for today.

All in all, for a birthday at a restaurant, I think I did pretty good, especially for trying to climb back on the wagon still. 

And you know what? This success might just be what I needed. I came home and worked out for about an hour, and I've been pacing and stair climbing all night lol. I've been reading through diet tips and ana websites when I need a break, and I've loaded my MP3 up with thinspo so I can watch a slide show of it while I fall asleep tonight!!

And you know what else?


I am back on this wagon!
I want to be a lovely little doll, I want to feel bone under flesh. 

And I want to feel better.
Better than how I feel right now, better than the girls I envy. 

After doing this for several years I know how to tell if I'm really back on the wagon or only halfheartedly telling myself that I'm "back on track" in the hope of convincing myself I really am, when I know I'm not (if that makes sense). And I'm back. 100%. Tomorrow it's going to be 110% and I'm going to push harder than ever. I feel so good about this.

I need to be irresistible to my boy. I need to have a body that will make him CRAVE me when I'm gone. Come on, who wouldn't want that?

I want to be crave worthy.

And I'm ready to get there.

I feel so good about this. I'm not going to let myself down again. 

<3 I love you girls. Thank you for being here when I have no one else.
Thank you for not judging, for just letting me... be free.


Stay strong!



These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.