An Ugly Night & Some Clarification

 

Oh Dita Von Teese, how you rock my world.

Last night was rough. I'm not really sure why. I've been more down on myself lately. I do think this blog has had something to do with it, yeah. It's brought feelings to the surface that I was pretending didn't exist. And it's been a roller coaster of emotions since I started posting. I've learned so much about everything from different types of ED's and OCD's to recovery and relapse and so much more. I know what to look out for and I know what extremes I'm not willing to go to. And I know a lot more about myself.

I just want to clarify that I am not anorexic. Yes, I thought I was. I'm strict with my food, but I don't starve myself. In fact, I almost never feel hunger pains. I just restrict, I diet, I exercise. I don't binge and purge and I don't fast. Though I do wish I could fast, I also realize I can't and shouldn't. I've joined this community because I do have ED tendencies and obviously I am trying to lose weight. I have no one else to talk to about these feelings and blogging has been an awesome way to cope. But, comparing my habits to those of everyone else, I don't know what to classify myself as anymore. I don't feel anorexic.

I feel a great connection with all of you ladies and gentlemen struggling with body image and eating disorders, and I hope you understand, even if I don't quite fit and I'm not terribly extreme. I can't rightfully call this "pro-ana". I still love and respect everyone I've met on here, and I want to continue to be a part of this as long as I need it. I take your issues very seriously and take everything you say to heart. Your strengths and weaknesses are beautiful, inspiring, and painful at times. No matter how you are disordered, I sincerely respect you, and I hope you don't hold it against me that I've been clueless and confused lol. I've got issues, I'm just not sure what to call them. =P

Going back to last night... I had a bit of a meltdown. I was thinking about that lovely dress I bought and suddenly realized I would never have the guts to wear it! It's so BARE! I hate my arms and my back, ugh! I almost cried while talking to my boyfriend. It's so hard not to open up to him about how I feel about my body. I trust him with everything else, but I don't want him to worry that I hate myself or that I'm going to starve myself to death - BECAUSE I DON'T/I'M NOT! But I do feel guilty that it's something I sort of keep from him. He knows I'm "modest", as he puts it, and that I want to lose weight, but I'm not sure he knows how hard I try. But I guess it's alright. I don't explain to him any of the other things I do to keep up appearances - make up, skin care, clothing, etc. - so I consider it just another part of my beauty regimen.

Of course he thought I was being cute and silly and calmed me down with that deep, soothing voice of his, and we discussed how to make it better. He sounded like Tim Gunn, "We'll make it work." So we talked about wearing a sweater or shrug, and I thought that would make things much less miserable. 

So today I bought a lovely vintage-inspired black shrug from one of my absolute favorite clothing lines! And I spent about an hour hiking to burn some calories. =) New clothes are so inspiring, especially when I order them and have to wait, lol!