The Aftermath

No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated and disciplined.

OMG I knowww, another post! I am awful.

So, thank GOD, we didn't eat at a restaurant!! Yay! I haaaate having to eat in public, not because I'm all that embarrassed to eat in front of people but because there's NO way of REALLY calculating how many calories you're eating, not to mention there's no way of really knowing WHAT you're eating. I'd rather have 1000 calories in grapes and bananas than 1000 calories of fat-soaked pasta with salt-loaded salt-sauce and meat-by-product-balls. 

However, that does mean I ate milk(faaat) and cheerios. Simply not as healthy as I'd like (though I do loooove cheerios). But oh well. Atleast I'm not feeling hungry right now. =) Having lots of fresh fruit in my diet lately is really making me feel good, and definitely helping me regain strength for my workouts. 

So, I've had grapes (60) and mandarin orange slices (70) and cheerios w/milk(~200). 330 cal. But dinner is yet to come, and I'm definitely having a drink with my dad tonight. He bought rum just for me, how could I say no? I know, if I was a skinny girl I could say no.... =/

Well, atleast I can workout until dinner, and then after dinner (if I'm sober enough to). 

I guess going over 500 calories a day isn't so bad. But it's nice to aim low-ish.

Man, why do you guys read this stuff? Lmao I am so dull. ;/

I love you guys so much for it though. I wish I had a magical recipe for 0 calorie, fat-burning brownies. I'd bake you all a ton and mail them out with lots and lots of loooove! 8) Oh, and then bake myself a literal ton and stuff my face for the rest of my life.

Maybe I should just write a letter to Nasa.....

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After dinner edit:

Well..... Ho hum. I binged at dinner.

I definitely made it to atleast 900 calories, if not 1000....

For the day, that is. Not in one meal.

Chicken, potato and salad... with ranch dressing. The ranch is what kills my diet every time!

Fuck that shit. God I hate it so much.. and love it too. =( I want to cry.

 

You ever feel like you're just drowning in fat? Like it's going to swallow your head and you're going to suffocate? Yeah, that's what I feel like every day. I feel like there's just great gobs of lard dangling off the sides of my face, and my hips, ass and thighs all giggle in unison in this terrifying horror show I like to call "Rowan walking" and no one can pry their eyes off my bloated, sagging arms out of sheer disgust and terror...

 

I need to work so much harder. 

 

Some days it's so easy to say no to food...

And others my body sends my mind a million excuses:

"Come on, live a little! Life is too short to not enjoy the little things!" and "It's just one meal! You'll work it off!" and "Normal people eat like this, and they aren't necessarily fat!"

Fuck you, body. Fuck you. I don't WANT to work off another meal! 

How will I ever work off any of the others if I'm always adding more? :(

Of course it never seems to say, "Come on, you know you love being fat!" because that would shut my mouth instantly. I want to purge, but it's been much too long.

Looks like I'll be staying up pretty late so I can get some time to myself to work out...

Lord knows I need atleast a week straight of non-stop crunches. Too bad I don't get that much time to myself.

Anyway. I know this isn't a huge tragic deal. I'm going to work out and I'll feel better.

Just needed to vent... as usual. ;) 

<3 Wish I could talk to one of you for real. 

I hate feeling so alone in this battle.

Stay strong!