Afraid of Sinking

"She said I need you to hold me,
I'm a little far from the shore,
And I'm afraid of sinking.
You're the only one who knows me,
And who doesn't ignore,
That my soul is weeping."

 - Just Feel Better by Santana & Steven Tyler

 

 

Hey guys. I'm really struggling right now. It's been tough today and yesterday, and I feel really overwhelmed by trying to eat more, but not binge, even though it's hard to decide what's a binge and what isn't and by the end of the day the calories are battling it out in my head more than in my stomach. I feel nervous and compelled to run in place for endless amounts of time. 

 

It's tough. Not that I'm surprised, but I can't remember trying to consciously be "healthy" before. It's always been starving or binging. Atleast, as far as I can remember. This is all so unfamiliar to me. I don't know how to be in between. Why is it I feel in control when I'm at either end of the spectrum?

I haven't been reading posts like I said I would, I'm so sorry. It's just that everything is "triggering" for me right now. I miss being happy about 300 calorie days and more than anything I miss having a goal. My mom said I was an "eating machine" yesterday when I ate my lunch. I know she just said it because I don't normally eat lunch, but I came so close to purging, I wanted to rip my hair out. An eating machine... It's still ringing in my ears.

 

I still want to be thin. I still want to keep losing. That's the truth of it all. I keep thinking about 107 lbs. Just 2 lbs away.. And if I accidentally got there well, that would be okay, right? Or maybe 105, that's only 2lbs under the underweight line, no one would notice. And well, 100 lbs, that's really not all that extreme anyway, it's not double digits....

But I know I'm also anxious and being weird right now. When I made the decision to be healthier I was very calm and thinking very clearly, everything was making sense to me, and I don't want to change my mind now, when I'm obviously not thinking clearly.

 

But still, maybe 107 lbs would be okay....

I just don't know right now. But at the same time, I do know. I know I'm experiencing exactly what I figured I would experience. So, now I just need to stick it out.

Anyway, this is mostly an apology. I'm finding it difficult to get on blogger right now.

I won't leave, I promise, and I will try to read and comment when I can find it in me to do so without making any rash decisions. But I'm doing this whole "getting healthy" thing by myself. And I know the solo route is rarely very successful, but I've done everything else on my own, I know I can do this too. I just have to not lose it, lol!  In more ways than one...

Stay strong lovelies, I'm so sorry.

<3 Ro