Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It's Never Easy to Change, But it's Worth It

I thought love was only true in fairy tales,
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Ah, love was out to get to me,
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams,
Then I saw your face.
Now I'm a believer!

The Day After

 Yep, it's been hard already. I've thought a lot about purging, but I'm done with that, like I said. So, the food stays. I've thought even more about changing my mind, just losing those last ten pounds anyway, but no. I'm going to stick to this. I am not over eating, I am eating healthy. I am eating small, scheduled meals with fruits and veggies and plenty of water. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, and it's hard. It's hard to believe I should be eating 1000+ calories a day, I don't think my stomach could even stretch to accommodate that much right now.

Surprisingly, what helped me a lot was hearing a woman on a talk show speak about "Teaching Your Children Healthy Eating Habits". She talked a lot about how parents can trigger unhealthy relationships with food down the line by using food as a reward or comforting thing, or by telling your child they are "on a diet". Now, I don't feel comfortable blaming my parents, because everyone from doctors to teachers to the mailman gave kids sweet things as a rewarding or comforting thing, "back in my day". Now doctors and teachers give out stickers and coloring books. How on earth could my parents have known they were doing harm? Either way, I don't hold any of it against them. It's society in general, it's the way life goes. Regardless of who's to blame, the ability and decision to change is up to ME.

She also said (I'm paraphrasing), "Let your kids natural instincts towards food be the guide. Don't force them to eat or 'clean their plate' if they aren't hungry. Let them listen to their body. We are born with our instincts in tact, and our bodies know what they need. Don't try to change or complicate those instincts. Later in life children that are raised this way are more likely to listen to their bodies and not eat for emotional reasons." and "Don't make a big deal about not eating sweets and treats, just don't make them available all the time. If they're at a party, let them eat cake! But don't make dessert an everyday thing at home."

I need to teach myself how to eat again. I need to treat myself like a child, lol. Her words really struck home. People eat healthy and maintain a low weight. I am at a low weight, I can do this. I'm not going to become huge, even if it feels like it. I'm taking it slow, because I'm going to have my whole life to perfect "being healthy". 

Don't get me wrong, this is really hard. Feeling full makes me feel really anxious. But I'm trying.

I'm increasing my activity a lot, even just yesterday and today. Getting up early, having a single cup of green tea and working out in shifts between meals and things I have to do is really helping. Already I feel like my body is approving. Before lunch I genuinely felt hungry, and then again before dinner I felt hungry too. I don't know why! But I have strength in my legs and can already jump and jog again, it's good. It's not something I'm sure I should be proud of yet, but I can do this.

I wasn't able to weigh today, and honestly.. I'm really scared to. But for right now, it's okay. I'm going to let my body be the guide, I'm going to watch the mirrors more and the scale less, I'm going to keep my workouts consistent and strong, and I'm going to listen to my body....

Maybe I should weigh once a week? :/ I'm sure there's a healthier approach to that too...
But.. Oh how I miss the familiar. 400 calories is comfortable, I wish I could be doing that right now... I wish I could have the reassurance of weight loss on my mind instead.. I mean, it is nice to enjoy bread and food again, but it just feels scary... 

Anyway, I'm glad I can prove to myself that I can do this on my own. I proved I could lose almost 40lbs on my own (if not more), I proved I could stop binging and purging, I can do this to. I really know I can. I'm a strong person, and I've tamed this unruly beast I call my body before. 

I've tried counseling and I learned there's nothing I can gain from speaking to someone who can only repeat to me the things I've already recognized within myself and thought about changing anyway. Now it's just about acting on those thoughts, understanding the ways in which I'm defeating myself and learning how to change...

I can do this.

I don't want to need counseling again, or to make my family/friends think I need it either. Those were the worst, most humiliating and degrading years of my life and I do not plan to ever go back there. I'm going to do this by myself, for myself. 
Love and hugs,

In Response to Your Comments

Olivia - Thank you so, so much. I truly appreciate your support, maybe more than ever as I tread these unfamiliar waters, it's truly terrifying. I'm glad my choice isn't pushing you away, and I just read your blog as well, I'm so glad you're finding a healthy balance again too. <3 Best of luck to you love, I'll comment soon! Stay strong! 

Lottie - Aw! Thank you so much, you are too sweet. I'm so glad my words mean something to others, hehe. I hope you're finding happiness too. <3

To whoever stopped following my blog -
I'm sincerely sorry my blog is no longer worth reading to you, but I'm doing this for me. I will succeed. Best of luck to whoever you were.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: An apple (50 cal)
Pinch of granola (50 cal)

Lunch/Snack: 1/2 Egg Salad Sandwich (215 cal)
 Fat free raspberry yogurt (100 cal)

Dinner: Turkey sandwich and raw carrots (300 cal)
(veggies are free)

Fluids: Water (0 cal) 

Total: 715 cal
(Today's Goal: 800)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Calories 665 715 700 800 800 900 900
Weight  109 ? - - - - -
Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

Weekly Goals


  1. I am really proud of you it is very hard to change something in our lives that we have known for so long. I am not ana I hope you dont think I am trying to be all in your business or anything by saying this stuff but I eat like 1000 calories a day. It is not what doctors say I should have but I know it is enough for my body. You got some really good tips today. Listening to your body is the most important thing you can do. It is after all, all you have. I am not an expert I dont know what you should or shouldnt have I just think that this is a very good decision and I hope you are happy because that is all that matter. I give you all my support!!! in whatever you do. You can do this you are strong.

    Good Luck

    BTW I am a follower of your blog I hope that is ok if not just let me know and I will stop.

  2. Great child training tips :P
    Your doing so well! I'm sure it will get easier soon and then one day you will be able to eat like a normal person :) I want that one day too (just not yet for me).
    Stay strong,
    Lottie x




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.