Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sick sick sick...

Too Sick to Care

Still feeling very sick.

I just want to leave these fleeting, feverish thoughts,
while I'm not trying to control myself so much, 
while I'm just dizzy and lonely...

Do I want to be skinny or have friends?
Did I have friends before?
Will I have more when I'm skinny?
Will I finally be brave?

Yesterday I thought to myself, "I love my body."
And maybe I could settle with this weight.
But I realize that my body is not interested in being this weight,
my body wants to be ten pounds heavier.
I will always have to force it into submission.

What I wouldn't give to be a carefree skinny girl.

The peanut butter cups in the kitchen are calling me
and it's all I can do to keep myself from binging.
I want to binge so badly.
It helps that I can't taste much right now.

Tomorrow is the weigh-in for El's contest, I'm certain it won't be much better than last week.
But atleast I should be able to weigh tomorrow, I hope.

I just want to cry.
I want to go home to my boy, forever. 
I still have over a month left to go until I can move.
I just want him to hold me, but I don't want him to know how fragile I've become...

Love and hugs, hopefully I'll be better soon and can make a real post <3


  1. Oh love, I hope you're okay <3 We're all here for you.

  2. love you. Some days it's just so fucking hard. I hope you don't binge, but I hope soon you can have the peanut butter cup and not binge. You are amazing.

  3. ugh today is the worst! so much fucking candy! well I hope you stayed strong! & I love your blog!




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.