Too Sick to Care
Still feeling very sick.
I just want to leave these fleeting, feverish thoughts,
while I'm not trying to control myself so much,
while I'm just dizzy and lonely...
Do I want to be skinny or have friends?
Did I have friends before?
Will I have more when I'm skinny?
Will I finally be brave?
Yesterday I thought to myself, "I love my body."
And maybe I could settle with this weight.
But I realize that my body is not interested in being this weight,
my body wants to be ten pounds heavier.
I will always have to force it into submission.
What I wouldn't give to be a carefree skinny girl.
The peanut butter cups in the kitchen are calling me
and it's all I can do to keep myself from binging.
I want to binge so badly.
It helps that I can't taste much right now.
Tomorrow is the weigh-in for El's contest, I'm certain it won't be much better than last week.
But atleast I should be able to weigh tomorrow, I hope.
I just want to cry.
I want to go home to my boy, forever.
I still have over a month left to go until I can move.
I just want him to hold me, but I don't want him to know how fragile I've become...
Love and hugs, hopefully I'll be better soon and can make a real post <3