Sick sick sick...

Too Sick to Care

Still feeling very sick.

I just want to leave these fleeting, feverish thoughts,

while I'm not trying to control myself so much, 

while I'm just dizzy and lonely...

Do I want to be skinny or have friends?

Did I have friends before?

Will I have more when I'm skinny?

Will I finally be brave?

Yesterday I thought to myself, "I love my body."

And maybe I could settle with this weight.

But I realize that my body is not interested in being this weight,

my body wants to be ten pounds heavier.

I will always have to force it into submission.

What I wouldn't give to be a carefree skinny girl.

The peanut butter cups in the kitchen are calling me

and it's all I can do to keep myself from binging.

I want to binge so badly.

It helps that I can't taste much right now.

Tomorrow is the weigh-in for El's contest, I'm certain it won't be much better than last week.

But atleast I should be able to weigh tomorrow, I hope.

I just want to cry.

I want to go home to my boy, forever. 

I still have over a month left to go until I can move.

I just want him to hold me, but I don't want him to know how fragile I've become...

Love and hugs, hopefully I'll be better soon and can make a real post <3

-Ro