Revelations, Decisions and Big Changes

Wake up and change your life.

Some Revelations and Decisions

I'm feeling better today, and I have some important things to say. Having some time to slow down and reflect while being sick made me realize a lot about where and who I am right now, the ways I've changed, the ways I want to change, and the ways I don't. It seems like my thoughts have been very chaotic up until this point, and I feel like I've found some clarity.

I've come to a very important place in my journey. You may look down on me for it, and you may want to stop following me, but it's what I need to do. It's what I want to do.

I have curves. I have a butt, I have boobs. I'm a full B cup, sometimes a C. My tummy is mostly flat but needs some work. My body needs toning all over. I am 109 lbs. I am at the low end of healthy, I am not underweight. I love my boobs. I love feeling sexy and curvy, and I don't want to feel like a plank of wood. It's hard to cope with the fact that I am not skin and bones, it bothers me that there's flesh that jiggles and moves, but:

I've decided I don't want to weigh 100 lbs.

I've given this a lot of thought actually, and not just in the past few days. The more I look at myself the more I don't want to say "good bye" to curves. The more my boy says he "hates supermodel type bodies" and similar things (that I won't share) the more I realize that's the last thing I want to look like to him. He is everything to me.

The romantic ideal of being a waif, of being so thin I could just disappear or blow away with the wind is still so appealing to me. But I have a romance that is real and indestructible, a man who loves and cherishes every inch of me, and never, ever wants me to disappear. And I have been jeopardizing our relationship by keeping these things from him and by putting myself in danger.

I am not "quitting" because it's hard to lose these last tens lbs, I'm doing this because it feels like the right thing to do for my body. I have made this decision before, but this is the lowest I've made it at, and the last time I made this decision I also made the decision to do nothing but binge.

So with this decision comes the challenge of maintaining, toning, keeping control, and learning how to be as healthy as I can without getting larger. This week will be an experiment in all of those things. For that matter, the rest of this month probably will be.

Last night I allowed myself one peanut butter cup. I wanted to see if I could do it. I did. I ate it, and it was the only one I ate. Then I threw out three handfuls of Easter candy. I will continue to throw it out, and maybe once a week I will let myself have a piece again.

I've never believed there was anything out of my reach or anything I can't accomplish if I set my mind to it. I think EVERYONE has that ability, it's just a matter of tapping into it and learning what works for you instead of repeating mistakes, no matter what your goals are. So, this is the task that lays in front of me. I am going to redesign my work-out routine and my calorie expectations. I am going to keep active, keep healthy, and be HAPPY. 

And I am not going to disappear.

I'm not going to blow away in the wind.

My life, my body and my spirit have too much left to do in this world.

I want to do this, and I can. It's time. 

It's been years since I weighed 140lbs (or more) and I am now two pounds away from being classified as underweight. It took me a long time to get here, and I'm never going back. But it's time to start improving my life in other ways, and worrying less about food. It's time to feel like I have energy, like I can function. 

I know I haven't lost that much weight since I started blogging (started blogging at 118lbs) but it's been an amazingly therapeutic ride in which I've learned a wealth about myself and made so many incredible friends. Your support, your warmth and your love have changed my life forever, and without the things I've been able to learn through your blogs and my own I probably would not be ready to do this.

I am on the verge of a lot of major changes in my life. I've come a long way. I am proud of myself for everything I have accomplished and I am ready to go forward in my life with my new body, in my new home with the love of my life, and in the jobs and hobbies that lay ahead. Deep down I know I can not continue to starve and expect it not to interfere with everything I want to do. However, I can be healthy, I can work out, I can keep my weight where it is and I can get rid of my anxiety over food.

This is not goodbye! I will still post, perhaps not daily but I will, and I will of course keep reading your blogs (if you'll still have me). I understand we all have different goals and I don't begrudge anyone who wants to weigh less than I have chosen. I will probably envy you, but I know what I want and what I need, for me.

I know it's going to be hard. I'm probably going to break down and feel awful for eating so much every now and then, but if I can go without binging or purging I can go without starving too. I don't need to lose more, I just need to stay where I am, with lots of toning that is. ;)

And thank you guys so much for all of the love you sent me while I wasn't feeling good. I don't know where I would be without you, but I know I wouldn't be nearly as strong. You girls amaze and inspire me every day, and I believe that you're all going to do great things. 

You all have a very special place in my heart. Never forget that.

Here's to the mountains I climbed and the times I had to crawl;

To everything I've learned, and everything I am today.

Here's to tomorrow; to the future.

To my dreams.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: An apple (50 cal)

Lunch/Snack: 1/2 Egg Salad Sandwich (215 cal)
 Fat free cherry yogurt (100 cal)

Dinner: Grilled salmon, cooked mixed veggies and raw carrots (150 cal)
(veggies are free)

Fluids: Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 665 cal
(Today's Goal: 700)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	•665	800	700	800	800	900	900
Weight	109	?	?	-	-	-	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• Breath
• Smile
• Love