Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Skinny_El's Contest & My Life

 The Less I Eat,
The Less I Weigh.

The gorgeous Skinny_El (author of Pretty Pro Slim) is having a weight loss competition for the month of April! April is definitely a tough time for me, with all the chocolate bunnies and jelly beans, and I think this contest is exactly what I need to keep me focused, I'm so glad she's started it! As I stated I won't be weighing myself until Monday, so I won't officially be entering myself until then, but I'm super excited about it! :) You guys should definitely go check it out, the link is above!

I've been doing really well at meals again - eating super slow, drinking between bites, etc. etc. And my portion sizes are staying small. Of course I don't have much energy right now, I tend to feel drained the first week of really getting back on track, and I've reached the point (today) where I don't have the energy or drive to eat, lol. I'm just like, "Oh god, no, my fork is way too heavy to lift, I think I'll just sit here and stare at it instead." Hahaha.

But all in all, I'm in a good mood today. I know I'm not going to see progress for a while, and that's discouraging, but I feel like I'm ready for the long haul. 

Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow... 

I don't really share much personal info because I'm so scared of being caught, but what the hell. I want to talk more about my day and I want to vent about how my food worries relate to my life. So here's my story:

Several years ago I lost 40 lbs (or something like that, I never actually weighed myself regularly, it was like a subconscious effort), and over the course of my life my weight has gone up and down drastically so many times. Photos of my childhood are ridiculous, at some points almost unrecognizable from one year to the next. I don't remember being aware of these changes AT ALL. I couldn't care less what I looked like when I was little. And then I got to middle school, I started to care a bit, but it wasn't until I was nearing highschool that I felt aware of my body and my appearance. My weight fluctuated a ton, and family members suspected and confronted me about having an eating disorder but I truly believed (and still do) that I didn't. I have two sisters who can eat absolutely anything (and I mean ANYTHING) and not gain weight. They are thin and beautiful and I've always been compared to them - I've always been the fat one. And I think that fact, coupled with my weight changes, is what drove my family to assume I had a problem.

I took antidepressants on-and-off during middle and high school, as well as went to counseling for depression and anxiety. Clinical depression runs in my family. But I like to believe that, just like my weight, I can control it on my own, and I do. I hated the way I felt on every antidepressant they tried, and went through stages where I pretended to take the meds but actually wasn't until I finally came clean and just said I wasn't going to take them anymore and I wasn't going to continue counseling because it was a load of crap and only stressed me out.

It's hard to say when I really did start dieting seriously and obsessing over calories, but I remember watching a modeling show on TV and I felt something go off in my head:  
I'm not stuck with this body, I can force it to change.

 There's a lot that's still a blur. I think the antidepressants and confusion of growing up while hating myself really made me lose track of who I was and what I was doing. I feel like I spent a lot of time in a fog, not really focused on anything or anyone.

Now that I'm 19, pursuing my dreams and have found the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, my weight loss goals are a very big part of a very clear picture, and I hate to think of reaching important milestones in my life weighing what I do right now.

My love and I talk about our wedding a lot. We're both artists and very artistically driven in every aspect of our lives, and our wedding will be a celebration of us and everything we believe in and are passionate about - and I hate to think of weighing 110lbs at the wedding, I will absolutely hate myself.

And that's where I am now. My life is about art and passion, beauty and love, and above all, the struggle to have control and order. Ana and Mia have made themselves a part of my life and I can't see myself ever letting go of them, or having any reason to. I understand them better every passing year, and I understand the need to keep them under the radar and under MY control, and to keep them from hurting those I love. That's probably the only reason I have doubts about my eating habits and obsessions, and the reason I am not already 90lbs or less.

Wow, what a rant. It's nice to get a bit more off my chest.

In other news, I'm getting obsessive with the info I have on my calendar again, I've added more to it and I'm so anxious to add my daily weight, lol. Oh gosh. It's just so motivating to me, as if I have to answer to my calendar and be accountable for my mistakes -- I'm so nuts.

Today's Intake
Breakfast: Small Apple (35 cal)
I peel, core, cut out bruises and then chop it into tiny bits , so I think 35 cal is fairly accurate.

Lunch/Snack: --

Dinner: 3oz (or less) pork tenderloin (prepackaged) (100 cal)
Red Beans and rice (didn't eat any of it though!! yay! 0 cal)
Salad with low fat thousand island dressing (140 cal)

Fluids: Iced Pomegranate Green Tea x5 (0 cal)
Passionfruit Mango Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Mango Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Red Goji and Rasberry Green Tea x4 (0 cal)
Water x1 (0 cal)

Total: 275 cal

I feel like such a failure right now. :( I got really weak and dizzy and I just get so scared that I'm going from one extreme to another too quickly... So, I am eating a slice of toast with a thin layer of jam and cinnamon (125 cal)... Ugh :( I'm going to be nice to myself and not muck up my calendar with this failure, because honestly collapsing from hunger would put a much worse dent in my dieting than this piece of toast, but I wanted to atleast admit to having it here. :( I just don't want to binge. Please, please, please, please, please brain, do not make me binge.. 

Calorie Calendar (4/4 - 4/10)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
485 230 275 200 400 500
 Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete 
Over-Goal Calories: 0  :: Under-Goal Calories: 210

Weekly Goals:
Weigh-in on Monday April 11th & incorporate weight to my chart
 Write-up a new work out routine and schedule by the end of the week

1 comment:

  1. Great intake. You're doing wonderfully :) I'm sure you'll look lovely at your wedding. Absolutely gorgeous :D




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.