Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Thinking about Tomorrow

 "Tracing faces with fingers and we’re just the same as we were,
Just our eyes never found what I see now,
That my feet are on the ground."
- Schuyler Fisk

 Thinking of the Long Term

So, last night I found some old folders on my comp that I had no idea I still had... Full of pictures that I had taken of myself from the past like four or five years. I was definitely fatter at some points but I realized my changes haven't really been all that significant. I didn't look at them and go, "Oh jesus I'm so glad I don't look like that anymore!" I looked at them and thought, "Oh, yeah, I still have that bit of fat here and here, oh yeah my stomach still has that lump of fat at the bottom...."

It was depressing, but motivating too. It just made me realize how long I'm been in the "lose weight, put it all back on, repeat" cycle. And I realized even though I made it to 110, I did the same thing and fat Rowan came right back. It's like the normal person in me speaks up just when I start doing well and says, "You don't really intend to eat like this for the rest of your life, do you?" And I stuff my face with pizza and ice cream and tell myself I was crazy for thinking I wanted to eat 500 calories a day for the rest of my life.

Well, this time, fucker, it's for the long term. No more of this fat relapse crap, and I'm so serious about this. I'm done with this cycle, it's got to stop. I'm close to my lowest weight right now, I can get there and I never have to go back if I don't want to.

3lbs to my lowest weight.
7lbs to an underweight bmi.
10lbs away from my ultimate goal.

This is not impossible or overwhelming in any way. 
There's no reason why I can't get there.

Anyway, today already sucks because I couldn't get a moment alone with the Wii Fit. Our normal scale is dead right now so I have to weigh on the Wii. Which takes about 10 minutes (between unpacking everything, setting up the TV, getting to the Wii Fit menu and going through 400 steps to get it to weigh me..), as opposed to the 1 minute it takes to weigh on the scale, so you can imagine getting a good window of opportunity to weigh is rare. To complicate it further, my mum has suddenly started commenting on my size, my food and has been hugging me and I swear to god she does it just so she can see if my ribs are sticking out, so I try to pooch out my stomach as much as possible, it's fucking ridiculous. I'm 19. Fuck. Off. If I want to lose weight there's nothing you can do about it at this point. I'm not 14 anymore, you can't force me into counseling. But I still don't want to make my life hard by making her suspicious and have her throw a fit.

So I don't weigh in front of anyone else. I may weigh tonight, but I really hate weighing at night because I know if I put on weight or stay the same it's just from all the tea I drink and it's gone in the morning. We'll see.

And today I'm really, really hating food. I wish it would just disappear. 
I hate it for everything it's done to me.

I hate it for making middle school a living hell.
I hate it for making me look awful in every pair of jeans I have ever worn.
I hate it for making my arms big and flabby.
I hate it for bloating my stomach.
I hate it for making every school picture suck.
I hate it for drowning me in fat all my life.
I'm fucking done.

Food can rot in hell.

Unfortunately, I still need it.
So I made myself a piece of toast (100 cal), spread less than 1 teaspoon of jam (50 cal per tbsp) on it, found somewhere I could be alone, tore it in half (75 cal per half) and then in quarters (37.5 per quarter) and threw out all but 1 quarter of it (the smallest quarter). Since I didn't even have 1 tsp of the jam it wasn't anywhere near 50 cal for the whole thing, I just wanted to keep the math simple. So at most, I ate 30 calories.

I'll update after dinner as usual!

After Dinner Update

So for dinner my dad was making ham and cheese omelets. I'm not a big fan of omelets to begin with and today I just couldn't face cheese, not to mention the olive oil he was cooking everything in. He was also making grits and toast to go with it, which would have made it even worse. So I played the "sick" card again and had some chicken noodle soup. Unfortunately we were out of any diet varieties, but it was 70 cal per serving (140 per can) so not bad. I only ate the broth and a few noodles that snuck into my bowl, and then had a few little cubes of ham that my mom offered me. There was a large portion of noodles and chicken left in the pan, but since I had maybe 10 little cubes of ham I'm going to say that made up for whatever I didn't eat of the soup. I'm probably exaggerating but oh well. 140 cal for dinner.

Also my mom called me a "boney kid" today. Mom, go away. I'm not a kid and I'm not boney (yet).

Gosh I'm just in a poor mood today lol. Probably because I can't weigh myself!! UGH!!

170 cal for today... My goal was 550... To eat or not to eat, ugh.

170 is so nice... I'm so cold. Yesterday it was 80 degrees out, beautiful and sunny, and I was shivering all day. I hate being tan though, so I didn't stand in the sun. My feet and hands feel like ice, they are so cold... It's a nice feeling. I love summer when I'm restricting. Everyone else is sweaty and dying and I've got my own personal temperature control...

My options for snacks tonight:

Apple (50 cal)  
(I usually round that down a lot since I eat so little of the actual apple, but I need to stop that)

 Light Yogurt (100 cal)

Dried Prunes (25 cal each)
Grapes (2 cal each)

An Orange (85 cal)

Banana (100 cal)
1 cup Raisin Bran Crunch (188 cal)

1 cup Honey Nut Cheerios (110 cal)

1/3 cup Craisins (138 cal)

1/4 cup Raisins (130 cal)

1 medium carrot (25 cal)

Nothing sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll have a prune.

In Response to Your Comments

Olivia Lee - Thanks hon! It's tough but you're so right. I hope you're doing better. <3 Lots of love, beautiful!

Harlow B - OMG me too! I think she is just gorgeous! <3 Balance is indeed so hard, but not impossible! We will find it. Thanks for following! <3

 Alex - Thank you so much for the support, I hope so too. <3 Glad my posts aren't too often!

Monika - Thanks dear <3 I've been reading your blog but for whatever reason I can't comment, it always fails when I try to enter the captcha thing. Anyway, you're not a failure, you can do anything you set your mind to hon. You're beautiful and if you want something, just go for it! You wouldn't be here if you didn't have more control than the average person. I'll definitely be here to support you in any way I possibly can, don't give up! <3 And thank you for the support!

Eileenstein - Thank you! The calendar has been SO helpful and motivating to me! I just love being organized, it really sets my mind at ease! So I'll post the code below and I will see if I can post it at your blog but I don't know if it will work. <3

Here's the code for my Calorie Calendar
(Everybody is more than welcome to use it!)

<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Calorie Calendar</span></div>
<table border="1" bordercolor="#0099FF" style="width: 478px;"><tbody>
<tr><td width="65"></td><td width="51">Monday</td><td width="51">Tuesday</td><td width="72">Wednesday</td><td width="62">Thursday</td><td width="44">Friday</td><td width="65">Saturday</td><td width="138">Sunday</td></tr>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete
Over-Goal Calories: 0  :: Under-Goal Calories: 0</div>

To add it to your blog:
1) Start a new post and click on "Edit Html"
2) Copy and paste the code into that window
3) Click on "compose" and you should see the calendar. Here you can adjust the font, sizes and colors and edit the Key however you like. I kept the code really simple because blogger tends to complicate it (for whatever reason, it does really weird stuff). So you can edit the font and size and all of that in the "compose" window instead. :) You can change the border color in the code, it's at the very beginning. You just need the hex code of the color you want, or you can ask me to change it for you. It's blue right now.
And if you have any questions or need help just let me know!

Today's Intake
Breakfast: 1/4 piece of toast (25 cal)
1/4 tsp jam (5 cal)

(After Dinner) Snack: 1 prune (25 cal)
1 apple (50 cal)
9 grapes (18 cal)

Dinner: Chicken Noodle Soup (just broth) + small pieces of ham (140 cal)

Fluids: Iced Pomegranate Green Tea x8 (0 cal)
Red Goji and Raspberry Green Tea x1 (0 cal)
Iced Green Tea x3 (0 cal)
Water (0 cal) 

Total: 263 cal
(Today's Goal: 550)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Calories 615 263 600 500  400 500 500
Weight  113.3 ? - - - - -
Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete 
Over-Goal Calories: 0  :: Under-Goal Calories: 0

Weekly Goals:
110 lbs by the end of the week.
 Download new work out music

1 comment:

  1. soo jealous! you're doing so great! I'd love to have you as an ana buddy if you're interested? Also, how tall are you? xo A




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.