When Will I Learn?

To rectify past blunders is impossible,

but we might profit by the experience of them.

So, I don't know who is still here. You probably didn't know I was.

I don't know where I am...

I feel so defeated. I want to break down and disappear. Things were going so well it seemed.

I finally moved out. I'm finally living with the love of my life.

I have my license. I have a good job. I have no reason to be sad.

Except this enormous weight that is me. 

Myself.

I am fat.

Again.

Here we go, again. 

.... 

Something nice can be said for returning to this routine. But for a while I really thought I had "grown up". I thought I was beyond these foolish teenage habits, these crazy, skinny desires...

Will the cycle ever break for good? I really thought I had made it last time, but here I am again, telling you that I have failed.

I have eaten foods that could make you gain weight just by looking at them.

....

I don't have enough money to buy my own food at the moment. Hopefully in about two weeks that will change, and I can start living on apples and water again.

Until then, I am in hell.

I just want to scream with frustration, having no one who understands.

To top things off, I've pretty much discovered my boy likes fat chicks.

He doesn't consider me fat, but he's just so happy that my boobs are "huge" right now.

Aka, he's glad I'm fat. He LIKES ME FAT.

Well, I don't. Sorry. I can't stay like this to make him happy.

I know we'll stop having sex, but I'm pretty much over that.

Having sex when you feel gross and flabby sucks anyway. 

Even though he is really amazing in bed...

Anyway, hope you ladies are doing better than I have been.

I'm in a dark, ugly pit. But, I have the house entirely to myself.

Atleast I can say that happens a lot these days.

So crunches, here I come.