Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Filth

"Faking a smile is much easier
than explaining why you are upset."

I can't help this dirty feeling lately. 

I started my job today. I work as a cashier for atleast a week until I'm moved to a better department that they're "fast tracking" me to. Dealing with the public makes me hate myself all the more, and it's only the first day. I hate that I am part of this species. 

I hate everything about being human. There's nothing lovely about it.
Even the beautiful among us are full of grime,
And yet they're still the best I can aspire to be.

I hate small talk with the trash who come in to cough on me with their cancer-coated breath.
I hate their kids, their clothes, their music, their religion.

I don't care about the weather; I don't give a shit about the traffic.
Your illness does not interest me. 
Your meaningless spats with your meaningless spouse do not concern me.
Your children are vile little rodents, who ought to be exterminated.

I am a rotten human being.
And I don't care.

I feel awkward and uncomfortable and I yearn to be alone... ALL the time.
I don't understand having friends anymore. What is the point?
It's draining to leave the house, to be around them. I have to paint on a face that isn't me.

"Just be yourself." They say.
What if myself is longing to tear every single person she meets into pieces?
What if I tell you that I can see through every little thing you do, and I hate you for it.
What if all I am is a spiteful, disappointed creature with nothing left to her but FAT AND HATE.

Everyone is just a mimic of something they saw on TV.
We're all just dying to be the same, and so am I.
In a society so large, so battered by media input, where does any originality come from?

I can't clear my head anymore. 
I can't find a unique spec in the cluttered catacombs of my mediocre mind.

Starving brought me some happiness. Starving brought me some comfort.
I lived in a dizzy world, unaware and unable to muster the hate that I so passionately feel for everything now.

I had control, purpose, balance.
Even if I'll never amount to more than a girl behind a counter, 
atleast I will have mastered the art of emptiness.

I feel like I am too repulsive to even think of intimacy.
My boy feels differently. 
He is the only thing that brings a genuine smile to my face.
He is the only thing in this world that is pure and good to me. 
He sees things the way I do, but he has learned to be happy in spite of it all.
He has mastered the bullshit smile and the phony sympathy, and he doesn't let it drain him.
I want to be like him in so many ways.
My love for him is invincible.

I am watching ANTM.

I'm still not back on track with dieting.

It starts on Thursday.

Wednesdays are party days at my apartment (joy) so I will be boozing it up.


I'm sorry for such a bitchy post. You guys are lovely, and you make me smile too.
I feel like if there's anywhere that I've been entirely understood among so many different people it is here. It's such a relief to be so open and honest.

I really, really appreciated your comments, and I will post more often.
I'm sorry I can't be more perky... 
I just don't have it in me today lol.


  1. I hope you feel better soon and your dieting gets back in track :)
    Lottie x

  2. You've proved that you have an extreme amount of control when it comes to food so I don't think you'll have a problem. But I'm in one of those idgaf anymore moods too. You're never alone! Just HMU (:

  3. ROWANNNN. I'm so happy to know you're alive and (well?) Healthy at least, physically. Keep in touch please; we miss you.

  4. awh i hope you feel better soon.. i understand about the human species completely ahah i have like no friends anymore in my school because they're all so goddamn annoying or bitchy or fake or just even more annoying. i know i said annoying twice but seriously, do people not know how to shut up once in awhile or not be an idiot?! doubt it. not in high school at least.. -_-
    so we're the same height it looks like, haven't found many with the same height as me.. good reference point i find for myself. but reading older posts it sounds like you're making great progress! keep it up, i'll be reading x =)

  5. Today I am thinking of you and sending you positive vibes. :)




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.