Walk of Shame

This facade that I'm stuck with 

has got me wondering 

Just tell me how you want me 

and I'll be naked stumbling 

just to get a reaction, any signs of love 

- Maria Mena

Where can I even begin? I thought seriously about starting a new blog, starting everything over... It's so hard to come back here, to face the biggest failure my body has probably ever endured.... 

I couldn't listen to the music I did those months ago.

I couldn't look at this blog, at the photos.

Couldn't take photos of myself, my chubby cheeks so glaring...

But I'm facing it all tonight. /melodrama. 

Seriously though, I need to make some changes, yet again. 

I haven't had sex in months. Not real sex anyway, not the thoughtless, wonderful, carefree sex we use to have every day we were together, when I was thin(ish).

Everything has changed since I moved in.

Oh, which reminds me, my sweetheart proposed to me! 

It's not shocking at all to me, but I did sob, and so did my family, when he proposed to me in front of them, Christmas morning.. It was too lovely. We talked about it so much, I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. He completely takes my breath away. 

But I can see in his eyes.. he's just not attracted to me like he use to be.

It wasn't that long ago, it's only been three years that we've been together, and only a year ago that I was so much smaller.... 

Back in those dizzy, weightless days, he use to touch my hips and my waist and wrap his fingers around my neck... He use to hold me on his lap and not let me go, trap me in his embrace and kiss me so... 

 I've practically become one of the guys. I hardly feel like a lady anymore.

We play video games and eat burritos and hardly ever exercise. 

I'm gross.

I DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO WEIGH MYSELF.

I can't step on the scale. 

I just know.. I will destroy myself if I do.

I'm too ASHAMED.

Because I am so GROSS.

I could feel this overwhelming depression creeping up on me, stepping on my heels every time I started to get a bit tired, bringing tears to my eyes in the dead of night, making me eat as I got stressed and making me rip open old scabs and scars (literally). 

Everything is so great, but I've let myself down so much. 

And it hit me like a ten-ton boulder today.

I don't know why, but I know I want to go back to who I was.

I'm sorry I've neglected you all so. =( 

I don't have any excuses, I just know I was too ashamed to read about how hard you were all working, to see how honest and open you can be, while I can barely look in a mirror...

And no, I don't know, after all the years, after caring so much, after triumphing over my body, how I fell so hard, so fast and so far... I don't know what happened. I don't know why suddenly I felt like it was just okay to eat anything (and everything). I guess the stress got to me. I guess I couldn't take the fear and the lack of control my life suddenly had... 

Putting it into words is helping so much already though. It really puts things into perspective somehow...

Hopefully this wallowing won't last long. And I apologize, if anyone does see this, for such terrible writing. I just wanted to get some thoughts out. I haven't been able to speak of these things to anyone, of course. 

Especially not to my fiance. He gets so angry whenever I say "I'm fat" or "I want to lose weight" or I even try to eat a little less than I have been (which is a fuckton, in case you were wondering). He doesn't know how important dieting use to be to me -- he has no idea. I know, it's terrible. Our relationship is absolutely perfect, spotless, aside from this one secret..

how desperate I am to be

THIN.

I just don't want you all to think I'm risking what I have. 

I would never take it for granted, or let it be damaged.

But... hating myself the way I am right now.. 

That's damaging it. 

It's damaging the passion and heat we use to feel for each other....

Anyway. I'm going to make a plan for myself.

Going to work out.

Going to get back on track.

Do wish me luck. <3

I'll try to catch up with your blogs as I can.

<3 Stay strong.