"We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of that speed that fueled the 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took him seriously... All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force - is tending the light at the end of the tunnel."
So right after posting about staying positive, and putting so much effort into being happy lately... I crashed and burned. A flaming piece of shit falling down a mountain of good feelings (and a pinch of denial) to land in the proverbial pit of despair, with all my anxieties cluster fucking around me. But it's a new day, a new start. Forget the failures and frustrations of yesterday; overcome.
I'm currently forced to eat TOO MUCH. I'm stuck home 24/7, and there's just no way to fast. Honestly the only meal we eat together is dinner, but it's never anything healthy. Atleast not by most standards. And obviously I have to make an appearance and can't blatantly eat nothing. I guess this is what keeps putting me in a poor mood, no matter how hard I fight the anger.. and such. I feel like I'm being stuffed full of fat every night. =( It's really hard to keep that from getting to me...
Tomorrow is Sunday, and my dad makes either pancakes or french toast. At this point all I can see is a big pile of CELLULITE for breakfast. But hey, Sunday is the day of worship, after all. It's only fitting my family would worship their fatty deities while I'm worshiping my porcelain god.
Except not exactly, because I don't purge anymore. Because I don't binge and don't feel the need to go through the motions over minor things. Though sometimes it's hard not to feel like a slice of french toast is a binge, when that's all it takes to fill you up for the next three days...
The past few days I've had 30 calories worth of Cheerios and about 10-20 calories worth of peeled apple slices. I feel pretty decent all day, and then dinner comes, and every bite is a punch in the face. The best I can do is stay up and hope to work off the food.
In other news, I deleted my last post on accident when trying to delete drafts. Ugh. :( And it was a pretty motivational one for me. But oh well.
I'd really like a fast. And reading about everyone else fasting is making me so jealous lol. :( I'm just not in the position to fool around. Everyone keeps saying I've lost weight. But I think I'll have a one-day fast tomorrow. I can use the 'sick' excuse for just a day I think.