Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I know, it looks like she shit out petals.
Don't know what's up with that but she still looks pretty!

I'm eating. Right now. This very second. God I wish I lived with you ladies. I wish one of you could reach over and take this away from me, so I couldn't take another bite. My mind is just saying, "You've been so good today, you deserve it!" What is wrong with me? I deserve to be fat? I must.

I'm still under 500 calories. If I finish this mix of peanuts, craisins and cheerios I will still be under 500 calories for the day. 500 is supposedly not a lot. 500 is 1/4 the daily recommended calories. But it might as well be a 10-course meal for 800 people. 

I get in this mode and it's like a whole other person takes over for just those few minutes while I FEED... I feel so disconnected, so apathetic. I know I'll feel guilty later, and I feel guilty as I eat it, but... I keep eating. I hate food. It's 11 pm for fucks sake! I'll never burn this off before tomorrow...

I wish food didn't exist. Or, like those new "smokeless cigarettes" I wish they had "calorie free food"... Eat as much of it as you want and gain no weight! 

Well, I'm done eating. I finished it. I wish I could keep with me that ultimate motivation I feel some days. Like, yesterday... Yesterday was a good day. 

On a side note, I don't know if anyone else is familiar with the site DeviantArt but they featured two images today that were ED related. The first one isn't really, but of course it made me think of mine. 

The second one made me feel guilty.. And scared. Scared of my family, friends and boyfriend finding out just how obsessive I am over food and my weight. It bothers me a lot that they will inevitably find out, if I am to reach my goals. Realistically speaking, this can't stay hidden forever, I know that. However, I will have moved out by then, since I'm very close to moving out, and I feel like that will earn me a lot more freedom in terms of my body.

I must be so selfish... To know that this will hurt them but I don't want to stop.
How could I stop? I've come so far.. I've worked so hard.. I've wanted for so, so long....
At the same time though, I'm not going to drive myself to death.

I don't believe in trying to control anyone else's choices. 
If they do it to me, I know I'll end up resenting them...

What if they found out today? What if they put a screeching hault on everything I want when I'm still so far away? It makes me want to delete this blog and never speak of calories ever again....
What if they MADE me live with this weight, 117, forever? Or worse, what if they made me GAIN weight? I can not fathom the misery...  

And what then? What if I decide I can't take that pain, and that leaving them behind so I could be thin would be better? I wouldn't do that, but I know I would consider it.

I just want to feel safe, thin, pretty, loved... I know I'm loved.
But will I still be loved when I'm thin and pretty?

I need a hug from someone thin. So I can feel the reassurance of bones, the promise of being pretty.... The emptiness of being thin.


  1. Thanks for the comment <3 and yeah everything has worked itself out diet-wise. fasting again today and starting ABC tomorrow.

    I can SO relate to wanting to eat, but not wanting to eat but eating anyway but not enjoying it. yesterday night i ate a plateful of left over dinner. mash potato, chicken schnitzel and veggies because i figured "oh come on, you haven't eaten a single calorie in 3 days, come on, you can afford it, come on.."

    the freaking fat chick who lives inside my head will NOT shut up.

    I am SO far from moving out. 4 years, in fact. i'm still trying to think of ways to make the time pass by quicker >.<

  2. In answer to calorie-free food, celery has negative calories, since it burns more calories to digest it than it gives you. But that gets boring fast.

    Don't feel so selfish, it's your body to do with what you please. So long as you don't die from it, or let your ana take over your life, it's not negatively impacting them in the least.

  3. I know what you mean, i feel guilty alot. But it is your body, your life. If you want to get to a cirtain weight and you need it to be happy then you need to do it. Just don't get rediculously thin and near to death.
    Don't beat yourself up about eating either - 500 cals is a good intake (:
    Stay strong hun xox

  4. Oh, and Vikki Blows = My idol (:
    She is amazing <3




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.