Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Raw Material of Drastic Change

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape" - William S. Burroughs

Finally feeling like myself again! At least, the person I strive to be 90% of the time. My home has a shitty atmosphere. Mostly because of a certain person who lives here. This person is terribly unhappy with herself - her body, her lack of a job, etc. And her way of coping with her unhappiness is by blaming everything/one else for her misery, and thus making the rest of us miserable with her constant disapproval, whining and violent moods. She completely avoids change by refusing to face herself. She refuses to make the effort to change for the better - because that would require a lot of work and dedication, and she is completely apathetic at this point. It's depressing and it's miserable to live here.

Which is why it's really hard to leave my boyfriend's house, our sanctuary, and come home to her and all the tension that's built up in this house. It's brutally depressing for several days, and it seems to get worse every time. Thankfully I can pull myself out of it and get back on track, usually by doing things that make me happy and by using a bit of motivational/positive thought techniques I've learned to develop.

Unfortunately, being depressed like that tends to make me eat way too much. I had frozen yogurt (30948590345 calories) TWICE and TWO PBJ sandwhiches in the last week. And by no means were they small portion sizes. I revert to fat-kid mode when I get like that. Fucking disgusting. 

Today wasn't too great either, I had some dry Oatmeal Squares (50 calories) and then steak, baked potato and carrots for dinner. I'm willing to bet I went over 500 calories today but I really don't know. I did hike for about 2 hours, which isn't much, but I feel it's getting better.

Anyway, I've never written a blog before. I planned on making this strictly positive and helpful, because I enjoyed reading helpful blogs. But at this point I realize venting here is good for me. And I'd like to write more about my life and my day, take a more honest approach. I can't be honest with anyone else about my ED and how it relates to my day, so why not do it here? And why not go all out? So I think a rehaul of this very confused blog is in order.. Starting with the dramatic names I stuck on this blog before I even knew what I was doing. =P

Thanks for reading. =) Also: TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.

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These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.