Some days, this affliction gets so exhausting.
Sometimes I don't feel disordered at all. I feel like even anonymously I shouldn't claim to be ana.
Sitting at home, staring into one of my many mirrors for long periods of time, I start to feel like I've got a nice body. I've got a pretty face. It's unique, but come on, it's nice, it's pretty. I'm an expert with make-up and my hair looks great 90% of the time. It could be infinitely worse, and I could weigh a lot more... I'm really not so bad.
And then I leave the house. And I start to compare myself to everyone. Including all the advertisements. And suddenly I'm this misshapen flabby sack of shit stumbling around, hoping not to make eye contact with anyone... Because certainly they're thinking about how my arms and legs could use to be thinner, my butt a bit less curvy, my collarbones just a little more pronounced... And maybe if our eyes meet, if I look at their face, I'll see all the disgust and disdain I have for myself mirrored in their expression... I'll learn that people really do see me the way I see me... A beast. A fat beast.
It's not usually like that. But some days... it is. Like, today.
It happened in Wal Mart, of all places. I didn't even see anyone more attractive. Or even close to as attractive as me. And it's not like you have to be a super model to be prettier than me. Wal Mart tends to be full of a special breed of people, mostly composed of cellulite and stupid, so I'm sure you can understand what I mean when I say - I was pretty much the nicest thing to look at, even if that's not saying much. It's not like walking around backstage at a Miss America competition or anything.
And yet, I saw my reflection in the glass of one of those frozen food sections (where they keep all those sodium-loaded, extra calorie-coated cheesy delights that I felt the need to love and hate from a safe distance)... And that was it. I just suddenly felt awful.
I looked the same as always... And maybe that was the problem.
When am I going to be beautiful? When am I going to feel happy for good? When can I stop feeling positive about the future and just feel positive about the here-and-now?
It doesn't feel possible with this body.
There's someone beautiful underneath all this flesh, I swear..
I feel like I could just crawl out of this carcass, emerge like a butterfly..
Sometimes I wonder if that's what the afterlife will be...
I'll die and leave this body, and I'll be this lovely, weightless being, freed from this rotting prison.
I guess I know why this happened, really. I'm home again and depressed because I'm away from my boyfriend. I don't mean to sound obnoxious or anything, but he really takes away the pain I feel. He makes it disappear. When we're out in public he never lets go of my hand, and we're always walking like we're joined at the hip. He makes me feel so strong, so loved, so... pretty. I don't care if anyone's judging me because I've got this big, tall, handsome man at my side who's always smiling and telling me how beautiful and "tiny" I am. He makes me feel safe. Nothing could hurt me, not even me. We can strip naked and cuddle for hours and I still feel lovely. I feel like the whole world could think I'm a fat ugly hag and it wouldn't matter, because he thinks I'm pretty.
I know this blog is basically all about my shallow side. But I do have a deeper side, I swear. And I love and adore and appreciate and cherish my boyfriend for so much more than just his opinion of my appearance. We are absolutely perfect for each other, obsessed with all the same things and madly, hopelessly, head-over-ass in love. The End. So don't worry that I'm taking advantage of this sweet, loving man just so I can hear him say nice things about my body. =P
HOLY CRAP! Sorry for such a long, melodramatic post!
Here's some pretty pictures to make up for it!
I feel better after venting though. =)