Bloated & Babbling, Magazines & Madness.

"My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely."

Went shopping today. Oh dressing room. 

I could spend all day in you... just to keep other people from looking at me.

I definitely need to get out more. Or atleast, come in close contact with more people. I need a serious reality check. Fuck. I sit here looking at all these gorgeous ladies, wishing I was one. So much time and agony spent wishing I could be something that does not actually exist without photoshop and body makeup. I might as well be trying to turn myself into a unicorn. 

And I go out, and I am so scared of people looking at my flawed, uneven skin and my FAT fat FAT body, that it starts to blow my mind when I see other women walking around, 100 lbs overweight without a stitch of makeup on and girls who couldn't care less about hair, clothes, calories, makeup or magazines... Just out there. Out in the world. Doing... whatever it is normal people do. I dunno. Talking about that girl who seems to be cringing from human interaction and looks too scared to ask for paper instead of plastic, probably.

And I suddenly realize... God, I am so screwed up.

But I want it. I want it so bad. I want skin like plastic, I want glossy bloated lips and arms thin like twigs. I want boobs that don't need a bra, that sit pretty and perky on my empty ribcage. I want to be an alien among my race. A goddess. A fucking goddess.

I want to look like I just climbed out of a fashion magazine.

And the sad part is... I'm not kidding. I'm not being sarcastic. It sounds dumb and gross and crazy but if I could have those things, if I could see a perfect, inhuman nymph in my mirrors every morning..... I don't know. My confidence would still need work, regardless of how I manage to change my body. I don't actually believe that being pretty is going to cure me. 

Anyway. That's pretty much as deep as my ED feelings go. That's the worst of it. 

I'm actually feeling good today though! lol! And noticing how fucked up I feel in public actually makes me happy, lol. It makes me go, "Yes! I'm just unhappy because I'm being irrational! It's okay, Rowan! You can relax! You're just being disordered again! There's no REAL reason to feel so bad!" 


And I CAN and DO relax. =) I'm glad I'm learning to control it. Yay, go me! Haha.
I guess I have a touch of BDD in this mixed-up brain of mine, but I guess that goes with the territory right?


So, today marks the start of hormonal hell. After eating almost nothing all day - 114.5 lbs. CURSE YOU, PERIOD. CURSE YOU ALL TO HELL! I feel so huge and my tummy hurts so, so bad. :( I just want to stab it and release the pressure, argh...


So for a while my weight won't matter since there's nothing I can do about the BLOATIN'. :(

I hate not being able to step on the scale and see a number I like. Haaaate. 




Also, I've pretty much been living on fruit and fruit juices. And then I started reading some curious things, like on SGD and ABC you don't count fruit or veggie calories? That would make my calorie intake for like every day around 100-200 instead of 500. I'm glad I have been counting those calories though. I don't need to convince myself I can fill up the day's calories with unhealthy stuff lol. But it is nice to know I shouldn't feel so guilty about that second banana or the handful of grapes after dinner. :x


I didn't check my comments again, ack! I'll reply soon.
I love you guys! So, so much! <3 <3