Dreams of Dolls & 110

 

"Not to have control over the senses is like sailing in a rudderless ship, bound to break to pieces on coming in contact with the very first rock." -Mohandas Gandhi

I love that romantic idea of being a doll, flawless and lovely, envied and adored...

Anyway. I guess I'm trying to keep my goals in check lately, and really force myself to look at everything I want so I can recognize when it's time to stop. As sad as it makes me, I know I can't be a doll... I've got to figure out what naturally looks best for me.

I like the way bones look. I like my boobs and my butt.

I want to have the best of both.

My ED tendencies make it really hard to find that balance, I know. But I believe that I can. I have great self control when it comes to food. I've proven that to myself. Now I've got to prove I can be in control of my thoughts too.

I can't eat without feeling guilty. I can't live without eating.

I don't want to feel guilty all the time.

I feel so conflicted. Sometimes I feel terribly fat, like I'm being suffocated by all the fat clinging to me. Other times I feel great, I feel thin and pretty! And both times I weigh the same amount. I know the rest of my life is going to be like that. And I've got to stop thinking, "Well either way, if I drop a few pounds I'll be happier than I am now." I find myself thinking it all the time. And right now it doesn't worry me. I'm still healthy. And I'll still be healthy once I drop a few pounds.

But I've got to get control of that before I go too far and lose my boobs and butt. That would really devastate me. I'm not willing to give them up for all the bones in the world, lol!

Anyway!! I'm sorry I ramble so much and never get to the point. Maybe some day I will form one complete thought with a real conclusion, haha! 

SO! I weighed myself when I woke up. 110.5 pounds. I was wearing a bra, panties, t-shirt and PJ pants. I took off the PJ pants. 110 pounds. I don't want to get excited though. I drink a lot of water. And I'm not going to call myself 110 until I start hitting 108, 109 and 110 throughout the day and not going over. I want this to be real, lol.

I keep thinking that just a short time ago I was stuck at 120-125 and felt miserable, and how I've come quite a ways recently. I mean when I started blogging I was 118 lbs. I've lost 8 pounds! Yay! Sometimes I forget the value of that. I just focus on, "Okay, just a few more pounds to go." instead of, "Yes I've lost so much!" 8 pounds is a good chunk. And it's not water weight. I should feel good about that and think about it more often.

And thinking about that and feeling good about that accomplishment instead of acting like it just wasn't good enough for me, Madam High Standards, is going to help me keep control of this diet beast.

I hope you guys believe in me. I sort of do, lol!

It's crazy how different these disordered thoughts can be for everyone.

I use to think of EDs as pretty universal, standard things. 

But they aren't. I see that now.

I know, I know! I am so clueless and such a newbie to all of this. Forgive me. 

Personally I don't believe I will ever need treatment. I'm not going to let myself go too far.

However, before these blogs... I might have. I might not have questioned my control. I really didn't even consider that maybe I wouldn't be able to stop. 

Now I do think about it and try to make some sense out of my disordered thoughts.

I think your blogs have saved my life.....

Omg I'm never going to stop rambling am I? Gosh I'm sorry.

I love you guys, and thank you for everything! <3

Good night!