Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Define "Binge", please...

 This morning I had a banana and a handful of Honey Nut Cheerios. Like, 200 calories probably.
Then I had a handful of grapes for lunch.
Then dinner: A pile of spaghetti with sauce and TWO slices of BREAD WITH BUTTER!
Mind you, it was Promise margarine but still. Then I had more grapes and some rice crisp things. 
UGH. I FEEL SO HUGE. =( I wish I could eat 1000 calories and not feel gross. Or even 700.
Okay, it would be nice to eat at all without feeling bad.

 Fuck, that had to be atleast 800 calories right? I'm not very good at estimating dinner, and pastas scare the hell out of me. I didn't finish all of it, I guess I should feel good for that. I had just been out in the cold all day and that nice, hot plate of homemade spaghetti sauce was taunting me so terribly. =( I feel like I binged so much, but looking at it again it's not SO bad...

Remember when you could eat and not feel bad?
Remember going for that slice of greasy pizza and just smiling away as you devoured that cheesy, saucy delight, with no remorse what-so-ever?
I can. I can remember my chipmunk cheeks and pregnant-looking belly too.

It's worth it. The guilt is worth it. It's what keeps me in check, I know.

I guess it's worse thanks to my hormones being all screwed up right now and my stomach bloating. And not just bloating, but cramping too, so I can't do any crunches, I can't even dance a little to work it off because it just hurts so much. Ugh!!

I just want to sit on the couch and gorge myself on chocolate right now. And you would not BELIEVE how much chocolate is in this house. Reese's Peanut Butter cups by the POUND and Lindor truffles and Forbidden Fudge Brownie frozen yogurt and all of the Halloween candy... And everyone going, "Have some fat- I mean chocolate!" FUCK OFF!! 

Sorry for the bitchy post. I haven't had cravings like this in so long... I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. I tried to savor that spaghetti for so, so long... I didn't want that portion to end. I knew if it ended too quickly I would be dishing up a second helping. And fuck knows that's the last thing these thighs need. 

Somebody hug me. =( 

I can't wait until I live on my own, and can decide what food is kept in the house. Of course my boyfriend will have say in food too, but it won't be so bad. And he doesn't question me or make me feel bad about how I eat. In fact I tend to eat more reasonably around him because we are active and he makes me feel so so good. 

But I plan to have a nice cute little fridge, full of apples, peaches, pears, grapes, blueberries, bananas, carrots and tangerines. And loads of fruit juices and iced teas! And avocados! Tons of avocados! I know they're a bit fatty but they are so good for me. My skin just loves having them in my diet, it's like that pregnant glow some women get, lmao! 

And I'm going to go around the grocery store discovering the lowest of the low-fat, low-calorie, low-sodium, low-guilt foods I possibly can and keep them in the house so I can feel GOOD about eating!! Instead of just feeling like, "Well this will only make me feel a little awful, instead of super awful..."

What are your favorite low-cal foods? I recently discovered those simple Quaker rice cakes are only 35 calories. And they're bigger than my hand. They taste like Styrofoam but with a little bit of low-cal fruit spread they're not bad!  

Also, cheese is calling to me like no one's business right now. Thankfully we don't have any cheese sticks (100 calories a pop, most of it fat) but we did last week, and... I totally ate several. =/


  1. *hugs*
    it's funny living with flatmates is worse than living at home. my mum is a health freak so we never have unhealthy snacks which makes it easy to stick to a plan. at the apartment my friends are always cooking dinner and buying junk = binge city. but yeh living by ourselves = control over what's in the fridge :P
    yum. cheese. last night my friend bought cheese cubes and it took all the strength in me to stop me raiding them.
    stay strong x

  2. I can't remember eating and not feeling terrible. A strange voice in my head whispers, urging me, nudging me; there must have been a time, I remember, don't I?
    But I don't even recognise that voice, I fear.

    <3 Do take care.




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.