Going Away

 

 Sunshine, you're the best time I ever, ever had;
But I think I made you feel bad.A black fly on your necktie time after time.

 Going Away

Thank you all so much, again, for all of the support and love on my last few posts. <3 It means so much to me. I'm sorry I had to disappear for a while, but I really need to get away from the computer for some time. I've been spiraling downward again. I seem to get in this pattern with blogger. It definitely takes my obsessing up a notch, because all I can think about is confessing what I've eaten on this blog, about ways to push myself harder, tips I can share with you all.. And after a few steady weeks of thinking I'm in control it suddenly becomes overwhelming and I nose-dive into binging and self-loathing.

That's not to say I'm leaving blogger or that I don't still love it and love the support and release it gives me. I just need to get my head on better and let Ana be the background noise in my head again, not the blaring siren she's been lately. When she's quiet it's easy to obey her. I know that sounds bass-ackwards, but if I start thinking about nothing but restricting, really I'm thinking about FOOD and eventually I snap and can't take it and want to stuff my face. Before blogger, it was just me, and it was simple: 500 calories a day, whatever. And I could do that. I've definitely taken it to a new level of crazy, and I need to knock it the fuck off lol.

But, on a total up-note, I'm going away with my boyfriend for a week, and while I wish I could weigh less for him, atleast I got the binging out of my system while I was at home and around safe foods - foods that don't REALLY hurt to binge on, for the most part, because we never eat restaurant food. When I'm with him, we go out a lot. We eat sandwhiches from the local delis and we get Mexican food and we go out with the boys pretty much every day for atleast one meal, and they eat like HORSES and it's so hard to restrict around them. Though, I have to say, there's always someone willing to eat half of my meal for me, when I'm "full".

The down side is, they're always telling my how small I am. I'm the youngest in the group to begin with, but they're all big guys. My boyfriend is almost 6 inches taller than me, and the rest are taller than him. And sure it's nice to hear them tease me about being "tiny" and "light", but I'm not, and it makes me too comfortable with myself. Ana gets offended and says, "Fine! You wanna think you're tiny? Go ahead and stuff your tiny little face then. Go for it, you fat little fuck. Dig in!"

And I do. I tell her, "See! I am small! Fuck off okay! I'm eating this taco!" And then of course I'm going to want to purge... I've never purged while I've been with him... If I purge, I won't be able to make-out with him. That's just too gross. So I'm going to have to stay strong and not do it and just restrict. Wish me luck, lovely ladies.

 I should be back in less than two weeks, 

but I don't know when I'll be ready to post regularly again.

Stay strong you guys, and thanks for understanding. I have missed you terribly, but I really do need some time, and this vacation is a good excuse for me. I'm afraid I'm not going to get out of the purging if I don't. 

<3

I love you guys with all my heart.

I wish you the best of luck and all the skinny in the world,

And I hope you have a beautiful Valentine's day, I'll be thinking of you always

And sending you lots and lots of love and hugs!

<3