Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Monday, February 7, 2011

My Weakness Feeds Me

"I got a weakness in me,
I think that weakness feeds me."
- Matchbox 20

That weakness is ALWAYS what feeds me. 

I promised myself I would confess to you ladies how awful I've been. I don't fear you looking down on me as much as I fear the damage I'm doing to myself, and I need to get my head on straight. 

So here goes. I didn't have a liquid fast like I wanted yesterday. In fact, I ate like a "normal person". I had french toast in the morning, I had cheese and crackers for lunch, and I had pizza for dinner. Faaaaaat. Yet again. Still. This has been how many days in a row? 

My weight is just stuck at 110 and it's never going to get better if I keep eating like this...

For me, the danger with making progress is that sometimes I get too happy. I get too content. I enjoy where I am and stop hating myself and let myself eat. Of course, at the end of the day I still hate my body, and that's not going to change until I reach my goal, so I'm really just hurting myself by acting like this.
But, what's getting to be really ridiculous is how much I'm purging... I stuffed my face when it came time for that pizza. I ate most of TWO slices, very casually went to the ladies room, puked it all up and then did the dishes. It wasn't until a bit later I realized how much I... enjoy it.
I love that freedom of being like, "Go ahead! Enjoy it! You can just purge it later!" I don't even want to scare myself with the facts right now, I know it's a bad habit to get into. I know, I know.
 I need control again. I need ana. She seems to be disgusted with me, and I don't blame her.
Even today started out rocky again. I had orange slices and a piece of french toast (which I toasted and ate with Promise margarine). I've got to smack myself out of this.

Even those motivational tools don't seem to be phasing me enough. I need something new. :/
Wish me luck with dinner tonight ladies! I'll update again soon, I just really need to work out to make myself feel better. ;) Hopefully I'll brainstorm up something new and excellent!

<3 Stay strong.


  1. Hi sweety. Don't worry, we all have those moments of weak-mindedness, bu I'm sure you'll get over it. My blog is also about weight obsessing and stuff like that. You're more than welcome to check it out! *
    Stay strong and beautiful - It's just food. You can either have it or not. Don't let IT control YOU.

  2. Sometimes a binge will knock you off your plateau, your body will need to work extra hard to burn those extra calories, because your metabolism kicks up...
    so don't feel so bad, most people eat double that everyday.

  3. don't let yourself get sucked in to purging hun. it's a sucky sucky thing. if those bad days happen you need to think about the next day and setting things straight the right way - exercise and a bit of restriction.
    stay strong hun x

  4. Aw, you are such a dear and I hope you find your motivation soon! Just try restricting little without purging, and then work your way down from there! Sending you skinnies darling, be strong

  5. goodluckgoodluck!
    Darlig, you're at 110- that's a lovely weight to be stuck at! Better that than anything higher, right?
    Don't worry. You'll be where you want to be in no time. xx

  6. It's not a good route to chose hun, try steer clear <3

    110 = lovely. I agree with Bella 100%

    Keep going, and stay strong love, you'll reach your goals xxx

  7. Ah, I hope you can beat the purging. :/

    Rowan, you are lovely, and you will get past this minor setback. Write out a plan, read it over and over, get a good night's sleep, and start fresh in the morning.

    You deserve to be happy, dear.

  8. I know what you mean! Whenever I get with my friends I get to feeling much too comfortable with myself. It's not good :(




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.