Going off the Rails

"Crazy, I just cannot bear
I'm living with something' that just isn't fair
Mental wounds not healing
Who and what's to blame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train."

- Ozzy

Consumption

Last night was a hurricane of crazy. Things I haven't done in months and months...

I got super drunk. So drunk in fact, I was like YEAH I CAN EAT ICE CREAM WHY NOT! LETS LIVE A LITTLE GUYS! Oh fuck...

And you know what my stomach said to ice cream? Well, it was frozen yogurt, but still, it said: I don't think so. And it was all I could do not to spew it all over the living room floor... I've never felt so sick. What was I thinking? Beyond the fact that I didn't think hard enough about how much I'd regret the calories, I guess it failed to cross my mind that my system was not prepared for something so rich and sugary.

Today started off cruddy too. Someone brought sushi into the house - had to have a piece of that, of course, ugh. And then had some grapes, craisins, peanuts, and cheerios (in a mix, about a cup). So, today's calorie intake is already way too much.

And pizza is on it's way for dinner.

Oh well. I guess I'm still trying to love myself today, hehe! I just don't feel that guilty. I mean I do, but there's no point in crushing myself over it. If I get too bummed I'm not going to want to work out enough tonight.

Oh, and I had a piece of toast with Promise spread on it at around 5am to nurse my hangover. Toast and advil = no hangover (for me anyway). It took me about four hours to eat the toast though. My stomach was just so pissed off at me, lol.

Motivation & Determination

 I can't let this weird bingy attitude screw me up much longer, not after I've been making good progress again. So, today I want to have 1 physical object to inspire me, and I'm going to find 4 things in your blogs that inspired me today!

[ Also - You can click on their names to take you to the post that inspired me! ]

1] I'm lacking any original ideas today, so I'm going to wear a bandaid again to help me at dinner tonight, so I eat nice and slow and chew every bite atleast 20 times before swallowing. I'll draw something cute on it, like a kitty or panda or something. :) In pink marker, of course! Also I'm going to buy some pink and/or red ribbon soon, so I can start tying little ribbons around my wrist, finger, tummy, hair, etc. as a sweet little "forget-me-not". ♥

 2] Bella inspired me to think about what I like about myself. That was surprisingly difficult, because I feel like I don't deserve to like anything about me.... I feel like I haven't earned it. I haven't worked hard enough on myself, I haven't pushed myself to a beautiful, unique snowflake (I know, I quote Fight Club too much) hard enough, I'm just not pretty enough to DESERVE my own love. So I'm going to try to focus energy on liking something about myself every day. Today, thanks to Bella ♥, I thought about how much I like my septum piercing. So, I'm going to buy some new jewelry for it! Yay!

3] Emma inspired me to do a liquid fast! And we just got a bunch of 100% juices and new teas so I'm definitely going to do a liquid fast tomorrow! :) Family permitting, that is. I think I can get away with the "sick" excuse tomorrow. Thanks Emma! ♥ You are amazingly strong!


4] Adriana inspired me to cook something for someone else. I'm sorry you had to regret your drunk food choices but I was in the EXACT SAME BOAT last night hon! So I'm right here with you! I think it's amazing that you cooked those wings for everyone else and didn't binge on them! My sister wants to bake cookies so I'm going to bake them with her (yay for sister bonding!) and not eat any of them but enjoy making other people happy instead! Thanks Adriana! Hang in there beautiful! ♥

5] Olivia inspired me to read a book. I don't read enough, and I spend time eating that I could be reading (among other things) and I miss it! So, if I get hungry after dinner I'm going to take a nice hot bath and read atleast two more stories from Books of Blood by Clive Barker (he's my favorite author!!) Thanks Olivia! I love you so much! ♥

 Thank you guys so much for sticking with me through it all!

♥
Stay strong and think thin thoughts!