Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Things Are Better Today + Lots of Love!!

I can do this,
But not without you.

 Thank You
I've erased and retyped this "thank you" so many times. I just don't know how to put into words how grateful I feel to have your support. I feel like I have a dozen lovely hands reaching out to me every time I get on blogger, here to hold and hug me. I feel like you guys are the best friends I will ever have. I feel like you understand my pain better than anyone, and I know I can and WILL get through this when I read your kind words. It moves me to tears every time. I just don't know where I would be without your love and warmth, and I don't know how I got on without it for so long...

 "Fat Bastard - The Ana Hater"
I recently read a blog that was in response to a pro-ana "hater" who spouted off about how outragously wrong our community is, and how awful it is that we "encourage eating disorders".

First of all, I've yet to see a blog that explains how to give yourself an ED. "Step One: Wake up hating yourself." Good luck with that. 

There's no guaranteed way to "fix" EDs either. Doctors can normally patch a hole at best, but those thoughts will always be in our minds, whether we act on them or not. And pretending like if it weren't for pro-ana blogs people with EDs would be able to get rid of theirs is just bullshit. 

No one else can understand what we get from this. It's like a pressure-release for our brains. 
We go every day with these obsessive thoughts, these fears and this pain. 

And we have NO ONE to tell them to. Sure, we can tell our family or friends.
If we want to be judged, forced into treatment and scrutinized for the rest of our lives.
If we want someone always stuffing food down our throats and measuring our waists, as if we don't have to face those things often enough.

 We aren't looking to recruit girls, or teach each other the best way to hate ourselves. We just want RELIEF. The absolute freedom of being able to confess - I ate chocolate cake today and I hate myself for it - and then MOVE ON instead of beating ourselves up in silence.

 If anything, I've learned how to love myself a bit more, and I've learned to let go of yesterday's mistakes, heal, and move on.

Second of all, fuck what anyone else thinks. My heart would be broken without you girls.
I need your hands to hold, I need to be in your warm embrace every single day. 

Things Are Better Today :)
I am happy to report that today has been so much better! I woke up and watched some America's Next Top Model and it was just what I needed. I did have some cereal this morning, an apple and some Quaker Oat Rice Cake thingers, but I find it's best to ease myself out of a binge rather than cold-turkey'ing it the day after. I know it does damage weight-wise in the short term, but I know myself well enough to realise if I try to eat like I want to again I'm just going to face plant and land in another binge.

So, my intake is pretty high already today, probably around 400. Dinner is yet to come. But I've already done so many crunches today my back and sides are aching lol. So I've burned some of it. And I'm planning a night of working out to the extreeeeme woohoo! ;)

I apologize again for my moody posts, but I'm really glad I let myself post them, because I feel like a ball of sunshine today. I might be riding some weird hormone rollercoaster, or I might just be crazy, but either way these ups & downs have been INTENSE and I thank you all for putting up with it.


Let's Love Ourselves Today!
 My dearest Olivia declared a positivity day today, and I am jumping on her bandwagon!! <3
 I just adore this line from her blog: " order to lose and be happy, we need to remember that sometimes it's good to eat cake. "


On that subject, I am totally hooked on RuPaul's Drag Race. If you don't get Logo or just haven't seen it yet, it's like Project Runway or America's Next Top Model for drag queens! With RuPaul, of course! And it's fucking fantastic. I love how vibrant they are, how much they love themselves and don't care what anyone thinks. It's so inspiring. I wish I could have that kind of passion for myself and incredible self esteem against all odds. As RuPaul says every episode, 
"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"
Amen, sister!! ;) I'm working on it!!!

Sorry for the long post and squeezing in so many topics.

Have a beautiful evening ladies, and stay strong!
Thank you to each and every one of you for commenting and being here for me! 
I wish blogger had a better way to respond & be alerted to responses, it would make this so much easier lol, but I love you guys. So, so sososososo much!!!


  1. good to hear you sounding happy and positive again!! stay strong hun x

  2. Aw, this post makes me so happy. :) ♥

  3. SUCH an amazing post Rowan, I'm teary. :) Of course it's always great to be linked in another post! More hype teehee. The more people that want to be positive today, the better!

    I feel like you spoke from my own heart, when you talked about the constant obsession and the fucking relief we get from talking to eachother. It's true, I honestly started my blog to get some help-from other people like me! Some support, like, "hey lady, it's okay, tomorrow you can drink green tea only and we won't think any less of you"

    So thanks for holding my hand and loving me every day! I am sending you skinnies as always darling, I hope the rest of your day and ANTM and RuePaul is fab-tab-ulous!

    and ohmygosh I love this post so much.
    Fucking fuck I love you haha. Your mood is contaaaaaagious!




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.