Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Things Always Get Better.

I'm sorry I've had to post so much moody stuff today. I'm cramping, bloated and it's not time for my period, but who knows, maybe I'm getting it anyway. I just feel like CRUD. Pure crud.  

Please be aware, this post will not be motivating in any way but I really REALLY have to get it out or I'm going to burst.

I feel like all I've done today is eat. I don't even want to talk about it.
Why is it that starving for a week makes you lose a pound, but binging for a day = +5 lbs? 
Shitty metabolism, that's why.
No, I didn't actually gain 5 lbs today. If I had I'd probably be jumping off a bridge right now.

I just want to take every pretty, lovely thin girl I come across and chuck them into a boiling pot of water and turn them into stew.... I hate them. And I hate that most of them were born like that. LIKE MY SISTERS. Who eat two+ bowls of ice cream a day after 4 large meals and are still under weight. Why do I have to hurt so much for this? Am I being punished? Was I pretty in a last life and didn't appreciate it?

Fuck everything. I just want to cry. I'm so tired of being strong.
I'm so tired of pretending this obsession doesn't wear me out every fucking day....

I'm so tired of putting on the happy face in hopes that some day I will be thin.
Trash, ladies. I am trash. Trashed. Thrashed.

 I'm so tired of looking at pictures of myself and seeing nothing but FAAAAAAT.
I want to change, I want to be thin and better and pretty and lovely.
But sometimes I wonder if I really have it in me to get there. 

Why does this feel like a battle some days??
Why is it that three days ago I felt like a fucking rock star with all the secrets to life? 
Why could I talk about happiness like I'm motherfucking Dr. Phil and now all I want to do is light this goddamn city on fire??


I'm going to bed so I can't eat anymore.
First I'm having some fucking CHOCOLATE though.
Because I'll need a reason to run until my legs splinter tomorrow.

I'm so sorry you guys... :( Don't hate me.


  1. Rowan, I am so with you. I spent my brother's entire b-day counting calories...Didn't even go to class, just spent my day calculating how guilty to feel. Ugh. And SO bloated and gross. My lower abdomen feels huuge. Period time? Idk. Food baby? Feels like it. Fuuuugemonkeys.

    We just have to keep motivating eachother. We can do it, we just need support from eachother everyday, or we won't get through. That's why these blogs are the best help.

    Reading them sends me skinnies. Even though you're bummed, I feel less alone. Thanks love, sending you so many skinnies.

  2. oh darling.
    I hope you feel okay soon. I really, really do.

  3. oh hun i'm sorry you're feeling crap. all i can say is that tomorrow you WILL feel better. you WILL feel motivated. live for tomorrow and it will be OK. stay strong hun xx




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.