"I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles.
You're laughing out loud at just the thought of being alive, yeah,
And I was wondering, could I just be you tonight?"
You're laughing out loud at just the thought of being alive, yeah,
And I was wondering, could I just be you tonight?"
Today's Breakdown:
Man oh man! It must be the exhaustion from working out more lately, but I woke up this morning in the TOTAL mood for a binge. I climbed out of bed, not a scrap of clothing on and stood, disgusted, in front of the mirror for ages. I stood in the worst positions possible, eying my mammoth thighs with utter contempt...
Maybe I expected to wake up suddenly perfect, I don't know. But those thoughts came flooding to me: "I'm not getting anywhere, fuck it, give up, give in, have a fucking bowl of lucky charms and drowned it in 2% milk!! And follow it up with a fucking pbj sandwich, you fat fucking cow!"
Somehow I managed to just grab a bowl of peach slices in juice (100% juice, no high fructose bullshit) and get on blogger.
And you beautiful, wonderful ladies... You saved me.
A ton of you posted last night and today, and I just sat and read every single one of them.
I might have binged today if I hadn't gotten on here and remembered how I really feel.
At any given point I could give up. I could give in and binge.
But my need to be thin is never going to go away. It will be there whether I binge or not.
It's so important to remember that on the verge of a binge.
Because there's no point in pretending it's "no big deal."
It will always be a big deal to me.
It's not "just" a bowl of cereal. Or "just" a sandwich.
It's regret. It's fat. It's keeping me from THIN.
And its only going to make me sadder in the long run.
I just finished an orange. I'm allowing myself a second snack of fruit today since my binge cravings were so bad and are still sort of scaring me.
I worked out for a super long time last night after getting off blogger. Really focusing on my arms right now. I'm starting to see them as a bigger priority than my thighs, because I'm more likely to be in situations with my arms showing than my thighs.
I guess all that work last night made me expect to see the changes this morning.
I will though! If I had that sandwich I wouldn't!! ;)
I want to be able to say "My name is Rowan and I haven't binged in two months!"
Haha, Bingers Anonymous??
Today's Motivation:
1. Blogger: If I get tempted to binge again today, I promise I will get on here and read your posts! I will look at your lovely thinspo and I will remember how badly I want that, NOT a sandwich! <3
2. Red Pinky: I'm going to paint just my pinky finger red, since it's the smallest of course, and it's going to remind me to STAY STRONG and JUST SAY NO (to food) lol! :)
I'll update again later, probably with a new post.
<3 Love you guys so much.
& I will stop working out long enough to comment on your posts tonight too!!
Oh yeah, on a side note, if I was just ONE INCH TALLER, I'd already have an underweight BMI. :( Being short is lame!! If I was two or three inches taller, I'd be where I want to be. FUDGE!! Lol
Oh yeah, on a side note, if I was just ONE INCH TALLER, I'd already have an underweight BMI. :( Being short is lame!! If I was two or three inches taller, I'd be where I want to be. FUDGE!! Lol
I'll paint mine red too. You aren't alone dear, we are right here with you. Your post the snack I just ate just enough. I wanted to binge, but you helped. Thank you so much lovey, I am sending you skinnies!
ReplyDeletebingers anonymous!!! haha i would totally join. "hi i'm amy and i'm a binger". story of my life!
ReplyDeletegood work for resisting. i always jump on blogger if i need to get my head back in the game. or watch shows like the biggest loser :) anyway, a bowl of peaches is definitely a good compromise :)
stay strong xx
Standing in the worst positions possible is something I do at times, too. Because if I stand just right, I can convince myself that I look okay. And no one wants to think that, right? But seriously . . . blahmirrors!
ReplyDeleteI love it when blogger keeps me from bingeing. :)
And it's GREAT that you ate an orange when you were having binge cravings. The sugar should help alleviate the cravings, and the fiber is great for you, too. Good job.
I am always telling myself that it's "just a bowl of cereal," etc.
But your mindset is right; to us, it's not just a bowl of cereal, and it probably never will be. The regret always comes later, unless I know I deserved that bowl.
You could be one inch taller if you poof up your hair! hee hee jaykay!