Regret?

Devotion, Mindset, Drive & Sacrifice

To Regret or Not to Regret?

That is the question... I just finished dinner. Welcome back to the clean your plate club, Rowan. :( Okay, so it's really not that bad. We had leftover chicken and veggie stew, and I didn't have a very large portion. But I feel HORRIBLY full. :( I cleaned my plate. Didn't leave a scrap on it. Ugh. This is what I get for eating so late...

Breakfast: 1 orange (80)

Dinner: Chicken and veggie stew (~350)

Total: 430 cal

NOOO!! :( 30 calories over for the day, fuck my life!

I know 430 is still not a bad intake, but I set a goal goddamn it. :( Why can't I just stick to it? Why can't I say no to food altogether, for that matter? 

I'm so mixed up about how to feel... I know I've expected a lot of myself, this being the first week back to my "normal" diet, and I've done pretty damn well, all things considered, but I also want perfection.. Also, I don't want to feel full. And I feel full right now. 


But I'm not going to purge. I'm trying to stay away from purging. Partly because it's a lot of work and partly because I purged every day, after every meal and snack, for a week and a half straight when I was "out of control" and even now if I swallow funny it still feels a bit sore. Not to mention I felt like I was drunk 24/7, dizzy and in a fog, feeling dirty and awful. 

Food Dreams - How to Tell Food is Your Life

I had a dream that in the future, if you didn't want to eat food you didn't have to, you could just take these pills that had all the vitamins and nutrients you could possibly need for the day and you could choose how many calories they were (even 0 calorie) and you could even choose how full you wanted to feel - hungry, empty, bloated, etc. - and there were also all of these new foods that were simulations of real food, but all 0 calorie. I binged and binged and binged on brownies and cake and tacos and then walked away with my fabulously thin and perfect body...

Then I woke up and for a second worried that I had some kind of mental breakdown over night or that perhaps I had been sleep walking/eating and had stuffed my face all night on the chocolate cake in the kitchen and was going to look in the mirror to see my gut bloated to 2000 times its normal size, chocolate smeared like the remnants of a brutal crime across my face, frosting in my hair making it stand on end and chocolate syrup dripping from my chin like a pig wallowing in mud..

Thank fucking god, I did no such thing. It was JUST a dream. Wonderful and terrible all at once, reminding me how torturous it can feel sometimes, to say no to things you do enjoy.

Because the truth is, I don't hate food. I love food.

But the fact of the matter is, food is a drug. You can either be addicted to the drug, or addicted to something greater, something that will benefit and make you happy all day - not just the ten or even thirty minutes it takes you to scarf it down.

Elly put it so well: "You don't say 'I am a body' - you say 'I have a body'. The Body is a burden, a sheer shell with which to carry your mind, contain it, hide it. The Body needs to be reigned in - it's untamed, like a wild animal."

Her post at the Ana/Mia Chronicles was just so eloquent and perfect, you should all read it:

http://anamiachronicles.blogspot.com/2011/03/duel.html

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So, two red dots for my calendar this week. :( Hopefully there will be no more.

By the way, no, I don't take out calories that I've burned. There's several sets of stairs in my house that I'm running up and down all day, and I have a short workout I normally do. I make it longer if I ate more or if I have the energy to keep going, etc. And I go for hikes (I live in the middle of the woods) on a daily basis. So I know I burn a fair amount. And I also know that if I found out I burned 500 calories a day I would let myself eat way more than I do. So I just don't calculate it.

Weekly Calorie Calendar (3/14 - 3/20)

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
• 489	• 570	• 495	• 430	400	600	600

Final Total :: Calorie Goal :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete

This Week's Excess Calories: 100