The Amazing Shrinking Girls

 

  Lickin' up the arsenic
From the same old lace.
You know the stuff is poison
But you gotta have a taste.

- Aerosmith

 Sleepy, Rainy Days

 Didn't feel like moving today. Didn't feel like eating. In a haze, hating food, hating fat.

Last night I gave in to a weak feeling. Mia wouldn't let up, my stomach growled, my family ate ice cream cones and popcorn... Sometime late last night, maybe around 1, I finally gave in and ate most of an orange and some mandarin orange slices, probably around 90 calories. :( But, all things considered, I guess it's not too bad. Oranges are considered "negative calorie foods" anyway. So I decided not to change my calorie total for yesterday if I did well today, and I did, so it stays the same.

I didn't have anything all day, just laid in bed, letting the hunger wash over me, thinking about bones and about how I felt smaller with every passing minute... 

And then, while everyone else ate cheese burgers, chips, french fries, onion rings, bbq wings and fried fish tonight (I'm not even kidding), I made myself some soup and said I wasn't feeling well. The whole can (Campbell's Select Light Chicken Soup) was 160 calories, but I ate half and most of it was broth, with a slice of toast and very little Promise margarine (80 cal per tbsp, had less than half). If you're looking for a light soup that one was really delicious and very filling. There was very little chicken and mostly just veggies, and the broth was very good. But since I don't grocery shop for myself I can't tell you how it compares calories/nutrition wise with other light soups.

A little saying has been running through my head all day, and it seems to be changing my perception: 

Eat or be Thin.

 So simple and yet so powerful.

And I know what I want more. So that's how it's going to be.

Two days away from my weigh-in and I'm getting less scared. Because really, regardless of what the number is, I still need to lose, it's not going to change that. I'm staying focused on the long term this time. I may not be back at my best weight, 110, but I'm going to weigh much less than that soon enough anyway. I'm done being mediocre, average, "medium." 

I'll weigh every morning after Monday again, it will be so nice, I can't wait!

Every night I talk to the boy for about an hour, sometimes two or three. We have our little habits and we always ask about each others day. Sometimes when he asks me I can't think of much to say. I can't very well say, "I spent all day counting calories, pacing around the house and up and down the stairs, wondering how much I'll weigh on Monday, reading food labels and comparing calories, reading about diet pills and work outs online, trying on my tight pair of jeans, staring in the mirror and pinching my fat, etc etc etc..." And it makes me feel sad. I need to focus on my art, focus on other people. Dieting can come second. Of course not every day is that bad, just some days. Today I won't have much to say, lol.

I'm going to be tiny. I'm going to be a doll. His doll. His lovely little doll. :)

Oh and also, I've noticed some gross, bulky muscle building on my upper arms - UGH!! I hate the way muscular arms look! I guess I need to lay off the arm exercises, but my arms still have fat.. Wtf am I suppose to do? :( I guess just stick to restricting.

Hope you ladies are staying strong and having a good day. <3 My thoughts are always with you!

* Edit: Fucked up and ate an apple. :(

And I'm not going to be "nice" to myself and not count it towards my total. 

God damn it... Today had been going so well too. 

I mean, I'm still below my goal, just not as much as I want...

Gosh maybe I am really fucking up here..

Also, I took some photos of myself, and I really like them.. But for some reason right now the bones in my chest are poking out a bit and... I look almost thin. Compared to what I have been, anyway. And.. maybe it's just in my head, but I'm scared to put them on Facebook. I feel like someone might say something about it. :( Ugh.

Today's Intake

 

Breakfast: Nothing (0 cal)

Lunch/Snack: An apple (35 cal)

Dinner: Light chicken soup (ate half of can, mostly broth) (80 cal)
Toast with a small bit of margarine (130 cal)

Fluids: Iced Pomegranate Green Tea x6 (0 cal)
Mango and Passion fruit Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Iced Green Tea x8 (0 cal)
Water (0 cal)

Total: • 245 cal
 (155 less than 400 cal goal)

Calorie Calendar (4/4 - 4/10)

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
• 485	• 230	• 275	• 475	• 210	300	200

 Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 

Over-Goal Calories: 0  :: Under-Goal Calories: 390

Weekly Goals:
• Weigh-in on Monday April 11th & incorporate weight to my chart
 • Write-up a new work out routine and schedule by the end of the week