Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Impending Doom smells like Tacos

Inside her tower she feels free from harm,
I'll lock her up inside safe and warm.
She'll sleep for winter, she'll sleep for years.
The garden's overgrown over her tears.
 - Daisy Chainsaw
 Today's Impending Doom
 It seems someone has gone grocery shopping today. Aside from the horror of pie, angel food cake, candy and all of my favorite cereals, there seems to be ingredients for tacos... One of my all-time biggest weaknesses. While it's easy to escape junk food, tacos are on the menu for dinner, the one meal I can't get out of. UGH! So, I'm going to do the math and see how much one of these little assholes is going to cost me...

1 Taco:
1 Tortilla shell: 170 cal
 4oz 95% Ground Turkey: 150 cal
1/4 cup Mexican Blend Cheese: 100 
2 tbsp Black olives: 25 cal
Tomato: 10 cal
Lettuce: 10 cal
Total: 465

Thank god we are out of sour cream otherwise that would be in there too!
Ways I'm going to make it less:
1) 4oz is a lot of meat, probably only 2oz or less will go on my taco. (465 - 75 = 390)
2) Eat only half of taco. (390 / 2 = 195 cal)

 195 + 41 (breakfast) = 236. 

 Last night I watched some ED intervention videos. It seems like none of the girls featured in the shows had anything in their life but ana, and they were just destroying all the people around them. They made a big fuss about restricting calories OUT LOUD and to EVERYONE. Even this one girl who was a "part of the pro ana movement" and "blogged about it online" was telling her mom about her goals and how she can't eat one thing or another. Wtf? If I told my parents I was even dieting they'd have me in therapy so fast it'd make my head spin! And why do they feel the need to make this problem everyone else's problem? No, this is my battle, I'm doing this for me. I'm blogging anonymously to get things off my chest. It's anonymous for a reason, dude.

But it scared me that they had doctors making a big deal about how these girls were eating "300 or fewer calories a day" and I got thinking. Maybe I really am taking this to an extreme that I don't need to yet... Maybe I should still be staying around 500. I can lose weight around 500, so maybe I need to knock it off with the 200-300 calories every day, even when I'm aiming for 400.
 It's so frustrating though. When I eat healthy and exercise regularly, I don't lose weight. Even before I started restricting as much as I do now, nothing made me thin. And there are plenty of thin girls in this world who aren't ana. It seems so unfair, but that's just how my body is, probably from years of antidepressants and steroids, not to mention I'm only 5'4". I have to go to extremes to make it change. I don't want to be a skeleton - I just don't want to be fat.
 So, next week I'll take it easy. 500 limit every day, maybe even a 600 one. It's more reasonable, it's something I can do all the time, and I'm worried if I keep this 200 cal crap up I'm going to plummet into a serious binge.

Though, after watching some bulimia videos I realized my binges aren't exactly binges, lmao! This one girl consumed like 20,000 calories in one sitting then would vomit it all up! 20,000!! How is that even possible?! I can't even eat 2,000! Gosh!

 So today I'm changing my goal. I'm a little scared about it, but I'm going to make today's goal 500. I've done too well this week. Next week I'm taking it easy. I still want to be in Skinny_El's April contest, but I don't necessarily want to win. I'll be happy to be a part of it and just have that added motivation. :)

In Response to Your Comments

I'm going to have a section for comment responses from now on!

Ana-answer: Thank you so much! My calorie calendar definitely keeps me on track! :) <3 And yes, I've definitely been too hard on myself lately, I'm gonna take it easy!

Olivia Lee: <3! I wish I had a food scale so bad! Someday! :) Thank you so much! And yes, today WILL be good! <3 Thin thoughts my dear!

Today's Intake
Breakfast: An apple (35 cal)
3 grapes (6 cal)



Fluids: Iced Pomegranate Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Mango and Passion fruit Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Iced Green Tea x1 (0 cal)
Water (0 cal)

Total:  41 cal
(Today's Goal: 500)

Calorie Calendar (4/4 - 4/10)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
485 230 275 475 210 41 200
 Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete 
Over-Goal Calories: 0  :: Under-Goal Calories: 390

Weekly Goals:
Weigh-in on Monday April 11th & incorporate weight to my chart
 Write-up a new work out routine and schedule by the end of the week


  1. I think this is a really good plan for you doll. Coming back is hard enough, but your body needs to get used to restriction. Any anyways, I don't eat below 500, because that's just my limit. I want to be able to eventually raise my metabolism up to normal, and I know it's going to be really hard. love u, stay strong!

  2. I think 500 is much more healthy, and is technically less than half of what you're supposed to eat to survive, so don't worry. Besides, it would raise your metabolism to eat a bit more.
    Grace and peace,




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.