Frustration & Sabotage

Enough guilt. 

Turn the page.

Today's Frustration

UGH!!! FUCK!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system... Fuck! Today sucked! I was doing well, despite not being able to weigh yet again today (ugh!!), I was proud of myself for eating a slightly larger portion of fruit and veggies for breakfast and felt like today could be a reasonable success, and then I discovered I'd be running errands all day (though hardly burning calories) and we'd be eating at Red Lobster tonight.

Anxiety set it, but not nearly as much as it should have.

Red Lobster. Fuck. Lobster fest. Shit. Damn, crap and stupid.

I opted for a meal that was 700 cal, which was the low end of the menu's atrocities. Plus a salad. Fine, I will forgive myself for the salad. Fine. Okay, I can do this. I ate about half of the 700 cal dinner of grilled lobster, crab and shrimp. Ugh. But then dessert came, and for god sakes I don't know what came over me, I ordered apple pie! :( 

Does this count as a binge? I don't know, but I ate that whole goddamn piece of pie.

To my surprise however, I don't feel bloated. I barely feel full. My body was begging me to binge, screaming at me, "You have room! DO IT!!" Oh god.. I'm glad I didn't eat my whole dinner but pie? Really? I just ate pie? AND I will confess, I had several bites of my sister's chocolate cake when she offered it to me.

Ladies, this is why I'm fat. :( Oh I want to cry. I don't know how bad the damage was, I'm estimating ATLEAST 800 calories and that's probably way less than what it was but I just want to run all night. 

Run. Yes. Run far away from all this shit. Run to a place where I never have to worry about food.

You know what? I'll live in the woods, in the mountains, far from anyone who wears makeup and pretty clothes and I'll just eat my anxiety away.... :(

I need to go do some jumping jacks for the rest of the night.

This wasn't a binge.. It wasn't.. I really, really need to feel like it wasn't a binge.

I can't stand thinking I lost control. I felt in control.. But pie? PIE? :( 

Tomorrow will be a success the likes of which blogger has not seen. I will work my ASS off tonight and tomorrow, and if I have any strength left by Saturday I will run circles around the house until my feet wear tracks in the lawn.

With any luck though, this will kill the '109' plateau I think I was stuck at, since I didn't feel like my weight was budging, and I know throwing in a suddenly large intake is a good way to kill a plateau... We will see. 

Sorry for the crappy post girls. I'll do better tomorrow.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: Blueberries, grapes, carrots (100 cal)

Lunch/Snack: -

Dinner: Red Lobster Fuckfest (800 cal)

Fluids: Lots of Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 900 cal
(Today's Goal: 400)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	• 320	• 330	• 280	• 900	500	400	300
Weight	109.2	?	?	?	-	-	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• 107 lbs by the end of the week

 • Download new work out music