Let's Just Go Back to Bed...

Faking a smile is much easier

than explaining why you are upset.

The Weather is Gray Today

 Maybe it's exhaustion from working out and running around like a psycho yesterday.

Maybe it's from getting up early after only a few hours of interrupted sleep.

Maybe it's the rainy, dreary weather seeping into my soul.

 Maybe it's from spending three hours on hair, makeup and clothes and still feeling just "okay".

Maybe it's because I ate too much, even though I didn't eat much at all.

Maybe it's because I couldn't weigh myself this morning.

Maybe it's from pretending this disorder isn't a problem.

But all I want to do is sleep!

Binge cravings hit me hard last night right before getting into my bubble bath. It was not one of those "I'll just have a piece of toast....." and you pretend it won't turn into a binge but you know it will. It wasn't a craving for a certain food. It was a craving for binging. One of those, "I'll eat ice cream, chips, peanuts, granola bars, cookies, chocolate, pizza, french toast, yogurt, cheese sticks, EVERYTHING!!!!!!" feelings. I even felt a little panicked about it, my heart started racing and I was almost SWEATING thinking about it. It was INSANE. And I had this moment where I felt like my ED was just punching me in the chest. I like to think I can force myself to be as normal as possible, just lose weight and pretend that the mental aspect of this doesn't exist and it's all just a game, it's okay, I don't need help, I'm really just fine....

And then I remember, there really is something inherently wrong with how I feel about food.
And how I feel about my body.

Normal people don't stand around thinking about all the food they could possibly stuff their face with in the next half hour, even if purging isn't on their agenda.

But not to worry! I didn't actually have a hard time saying 'no' to the binge beast. In fact I honestly wasn't contemplating doing it. Doing it is absurd and unfathomable, it simply isn't an option. I guess I was just day dreaming, craving it, lusting for it, and because I knew I'm not allowed to it was like torturing myself. But when the craving was over (it was pretty fleeting) I sort of laughed about how ridiculous and childish the thought of it was.

 If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer.
Keep Calm and Carry On.

I had a wonderful bath with some hot tea and frozen grapes. 
Too bad my boy and I couldn't enjoy it together. Just a few more weeks!

<3

I had to run errands all day and needed some fuel for driving (and not for the car) so I brought a baggy of grapes and blueberries to munch on along the way, and I just finished an apple because I'm feeling pretty worn down.

Also, Easter candy was bought today. Jelly beans, mini peanut butter cups, chocolate bunnies, those candy-coated malt eggs, M&Ms and more. There is a garbage can next to my computer, this is where my portion of that candy is going to end up. All of it. I may allow a jelly bean or two, in front of my parents so they don't get weird. And I will do 50 crunches per jelly bean, without fail. I will not succumb to this. I was strong during Halloween candy, I can be strong for this, no problem. Candy is gross!!

Unfortunately, I completely missed any opportunity to weigh myself this morning.

So my weight is unknown today. Probably not helping my mood, lol.

I actually felt small today though.. My bum feels tight and sore, my thighs are aching, my calves are tender, my upper arms are weak and painful and my stomach muscles feel strong (I tend to clench them all day long, and the day after a really good workout it's like second-nature to clench them, I don't even think about it and it feels great); my workout-binge must have been a success!

 I might have soup for dinner depending on what everyone else is eating. "I don't feel good" will be the reason. Gosh I feel conflicted. I feel like I'm getting smaller but I'm just too tired and achy to give a damn, lol! I lost weight? Great, hand me that pillow please. Haha!

I think I'll take a nap later and then do some sort of fun work out. Belly dancing, or maybe just free dancing tonight. That always cheers me up! :)


Sorry for a kind of gloomy post girls, I just don't have it in me to be energetic today, lol. But I'm taking it one day at a time still, keeping my promises to myself and my body, treating it as well as I can and trying to appreciate and celebrate the little successes and see the beauty in myself. :)

The Dinner Update

Yep, I had soup. In fact, everyone else thought soup sounded good, so I made soup and sandwiches for everyone. Some wanted a tuna sandwich (400 cal atleast) and some opted for left over cinnamon raisin french toast that I toasted with butter and powdered sugar (atleast 200 cal per slice) and they all had split pea and ham soup (gross in my opinion but 100 cal per serving I believe). I have no idea why I estimate the calories on things I'm not going to eat anyway. Maybe to scare myself out of eating them? I don't know. It's like, if I'm near food I need to know how many calories and how healthy it is. Anyway, I had a Light "Weight Watchers" noodle and veggie soup, 120 cal for the whole can and I ate only veggies and broth, so probably 90 calories, and I didn't have anything else to go with it. So, I had 90 calories where they had atleast 500 each. I normally don't compare it but holy good god! And then they wanted dessert!


That makes today's intake a whopping... 190... I'm doing it again. I'm going under my goals by a lot again... I can't help myself. I feel so bloated from eating the soup.... I just want a hot bath and a good book and some soft music... Things to sooth my senses.

I should eat. It's not like I don't love food, I do, I'm a food-aholic, my thighs can prove it. It's just that emotionally it hurts so much. I feel bloated and awful... Fehhh. Dancing and then a bath. That's the agenda.


If I feel less bloated by then I will have one of the following:


Fat free greek yogurt (140 cal)
Cinnamon Raisin Bread Toasted (110 cal)
Granola bar (120-190 cal, depending on which one)
Banana (100 cal)
Dried Prunes (25 cal each)

Right now my choices are a lot to think about. For one thing, I know when I first move in with the boy I won't be helping with the food bill, so I can't expect to have my "safe foods" around to eat. So, if I eat nothing but fruits and veggies right now, the first carbs my body encounters it's going to HOARD the fat and calories and I'm going to want to BINGE. So I know I need to prepare myself, not deprive myself, or losing control will be all the more tempting (even though I will NOT, it will be torture). And for another thing, I do want to raise my intake when I get to my ultimate goal weight. How reasonable is this? Will it work? I don't know, but I sure as bloody hell hope so, because if I can't eat more than I am now, my hair is going to fall out and I'll probably kill someone.... Or something.


Ugh I'm so exhausted, I'm sorry ladies but I'll reply to comments tomorrow okay? :( 
I love you all so much, but I really need sleep and I need to stop stressing over the fooooood. 


<3 Hugs & Love,
Rowan

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: Handful Grapes & Blueberries (50 cal)

Lunch/Snack: Apple (50 cal)

Dinner: Light Veggie and Noodle Soup - Just broth & veggies (90 cal)

Fluids: Iced Green Tea x6 (0 cal)

Acai and Blueberry Green Tea x1 (0 cal)

Iced Red Peach Tea x3 (0 cal)

Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 190 cal
(Today's Goal: 500)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	• 320	•190	300	400	500	400	300
Weight	109.2	?	-	-	-	-	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• 107 lbs by the end of the week

 • Download new work out music