Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A Pact to Myself

 "Even though I do not know you, 
and even though I may never meet you, 
laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, 
I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
-V for Vendetta

Things & Thoughts from Today
 First of all, dinner was miserable. I wish I had skipped breakfast. We had leftover pizza. I only had one slice, but I ate right up to the crust. That's around 450 calories by itself, but I had a salad too, so another 70, and this morning's apple makes today a whopping 570 on a day that was suppose to be 400. But, as I discussed, I'm not going to beat myself up this week as long as I don't go too crazy, and if I hadn't had that apple and salad it would have been much harder to say 'no' to more pizza. One slice of pizza isn't that bad, I guess.

So tonight I feel like a bit of time travel. Let's go back to the last time I reached 110 lbs, shall we? Yes. We had pizza a few nights after I hit the same goal I hit today. And booze. Lots of booze. But I can hardly blame the booze for what happened, because I had felt that primal instinct growing stronger and stronger all day, I felt that animal side of my brain taking over, and I hardly fought it. It felt so good to be so light for the first time and all I could feel was, "CELEBRATE!" Food, however, is not a celebration. Food is a punishment, fat is the lingering pain of that punishment. I know that much better now. But at the time, the biggest binge of my entire young life seemed like the best way to celebrate, somehow. And I did. And I binged and purged for weeks after.

Return to the present, to today, and I tell you with all sureness I felt that same feeling building in me as soon as I heard we were to have pizza. I day dreamed about eating one, two, three, four, five slices of pizza, one after another, not caring to chew slowly, losing control, building and building the chaos within me, guzzling down chocolate drinks and calorie-coated sodas and moving swiftly on to the chocolate icecream in the fridge and drowning it in a crescendo of whipped cream, cherries, sprinkles, syrups and cookies, plunging into every bottle of sweet, sweet alcohol in the house and finally collapsing before my porcelon goddess, confessing my sins and spewing my regrets like a drug addict far beyond the point of return.... 

 And then I stopped. How stupid is all of that, really? I mean come on, really? I want to do that? No, no I fucking don't. I want one slice of pizza, no more. I want to eat as normal as I can. I'm done binging and purging and no amount of happiness, sadness, weakness, sickness or lonliness is going to make me do it ever, ever again.

I'm making a pact. Right here, right now.

Never again will I binge.
Never again will I purge.

Never again will I stuff myself with anything but water.
Never again will I hurt myself with this practice.

 This is not an empty promise. I have so much more to achieve and I simply do not have the time or the desire to set myself back, screw up my health, my strength and my plans for one binge. Because there's always a single moment in which I get to choose: Binge or not? After I make that binge choice there's no turning back. But I have always been, and will always be, quite capable of saying "no" to a binge.

It's just food.
It's not that exciting.

 Keep calm and carry on.

100 lbs, you are nothing but a matter of time my friend.

I think a truly splendid bubble bath is in order tonight!

Unfortunately I have to cut this pretty short because I have to get up early and I have a lot to do tonight. So I owe you ladies some extra thinspo tomorrow, and I will definitely reply to comments tomorrow too, sorry! <3 Stay strong ladies.

 Today's Intake 

Breakfast: 1 apple (50 cal)


Dinner: Leftover homemade pizza (470 cal)
Salad with Light honey mustard dressing (70 cal)

Fluids: Iced Pomegranate Green Tea x6 (0 cal)
Red Goji and Raspberry Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Passionfruit and Raspberry Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Water (0 cal) 

Total: 570 cal
(Today's Goal: 400)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Calories 615 263 455 433 570 500 500
Weight  113.3 ? 112.9 111.2 110.1 - -
Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 3.2 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

Weekly Goals:
110 lbs by the end of the week
 Download new work out music
Take new measurements of waist, arms, legs, etc.


  1. i am so inspired by you! I wish i could make that promise to myself, maybe i will try to just like you! keep up the great work! xo A

  2. Rowan, you are so inspiring. I know you probably don't believe that because you were gone, but you really keep me strong. Just want you to know that. I want to get better. :)

  3. You're so strong and wonderful, I'm so proud of you.

    I've hit a plateau in my own weight loss, and it's depressing... but I won't let it get me down too much. I'll try to switch up my eating and see if I can budge the scale again.

    Grace and peace,

  4. Darling, you truly are an inspiration: not only you are incredibly (and admirably) strong, you keep all of us going. Thank you so much for being you and for being there for us.





These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.