Giving up Something Good for Something Better.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

A Rough One

"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. 
A high-powered mutant of some kind,
never even considered for mass production
Too weird to live, and too rare to die."
-Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
(one of my all-time favorites books/movies)

The Aftermath...

You would not believe the horrible luck of my day. I managed to escape eating pancakes with the family at breakfast, but after that it was entirely down hill.

We went to the mall. After only visiting one store my mum and sister were "hungry" (I'm convinced they genuinely confuse boredom for hunger) so we had to find a restaurant. Well, then they decided they'd just get two appetizers, but my mom wasn't taking any of my shit today, and said I should get a meal since I didn't eat breakfast. What was I suppose to do? But atleast ordering a meal afforded me the luxury of NOT eating the chips, cheesy dip and taco things they ordered which were just DRIPPING in fat and grease and GROSS.

Luckily the restaurant had a "diet" section on their menu (diet by their standards was anything under 700 cal, by the way). So, I ordered a 340 cal salad. Well, my mum and sister ate the first appetizer when it arrived, but the second one arrived with my salad and it was tiny, so they sat there watching me eat after they scarfed down their little appetizer. I couldn't fake anything, and they were waiting on me to finish so we could continue and so I couldn't even eat slow. I felt so awful afterwards, and if that salad was really 340 calories I'd eat my own fat ass. It had bacon, cheese, chicken, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers and dressing. I ate about half of it. It was super delicious I have to say.. But still. Fuck food.

We continued shopping and I wanted to find a pair of jeans or two. Trapped in that little dressing room was not the nightmare it has been in the past, but it wasn't great. I hate most of my body still but there are parts that have clearly changed for the better too, so it was a mixed box of chocolates, if you know what I mean. My thighs and butt are the absolute worst part of me, they are just so unbearably huge, especially compared to the rest of my body that seems to be taking the "LOSE WEIGHT OR DIE" hint I've been sending for years now. Anyway, I bought a pair of black jeans (I was pleasantly surprised by how nice they looked, considering I'm still a gigantic size 3 or 5). It was nice to find something I liked, but I feel a bit bad for buying something that I'm aiming to not fit in by the end of the month. I really like them too, it's going to suck in a way to not be able to wear them... I don't know how to feel about that just yet. 

We moved on to find dresses for my sister, and I spotted a gorgeous little dress that I decided I'd try on for fun. It was very me, so I don't want to go into too much detail, for fear of being found out, but yeah. It was a size 7, the only other was a size 9. It fit but it's lose around the middle. The waist was really the only area that mattered fit-wise since it's a tube top and has a bustle style skirty thing. I don't really know what my dress size is, but I guess according to this thing I'm a size 7 or smaller. That's pretty huge. :( I feel like shit. But I got it anyway, it was really cute.
Again, I feel sad knowing I'm aiming to not fit into it very soon. What was I thinking buying it? I really don't know. I just wanted something to make me happy. I'm normally not like this with purchasing stuff... 

It's such a horrible mixed feeling - happy that I got new clothes, sad that they're so big, happy they're not bigger, sad that I like them but won't be able to wear them soon...
And of course it's the mall. So I'm surrounded by thinspo on every wall, poster, magazine, advertisement, clothing label, etc. etc. etc. Not to mention the amazing, thin girls wandering around because all they probably ever do is wander around the mall, surviving on nothing but the calories wafting around in the air of the food court and burning off what little flesh they have in the pursuit of size 00 skinny jeans...

I mean... I really don't think I'm ugly. I have a cute face, I do. I get told I'm pretty more than enough and I do believe it to an extent. I have a good amount of potential, it's so unfortunate I'm drowning in fat.

Anyway, dress and jeans in hand I left the mall and headed home, where dinner was waiting. Dear god, how do these people eat so much every damn day? So, we had grilled salmon and salad for dinner. It could have been worse so I was a bit grateful for that.
But I had to eat, again. It sucked. Probably another 300 calories. Then we watched a movie and had dessert, and with everyone nagging me endlessly to try one of the treats they discovered the other day I finally caved, trying not to raise suspicion, and had some of that sugar-free angel food cake. 60 calories. I hate myself right now, to an extent that I don't think I will fully realize until tomorrow...

Tomorrow. The day of the weigh-in. I haven't weighed in well over a month.
Today's failure will be tomorrow's anguish and the anxiety is twisting my stomach into knots. It's like a box of snakes, twisitng and twining together, wriggling with the uncertainty of the impending doom and despair...

How can I face tomorrow? The scale? Myself?
If only strength could be stored in these thunder thighs of mine, to pull out on a rainy day...
But no, these thighs are made of weakness, obviously.

In one day I have done all the damage that I managed to save up in calories all week. 300 calories over my 500 calorie goal. Welcome to my hell.

I foresee a lot of crying tonight... My thighs. Oh god my awful, awful thighs. Why does their hideousness not consume me like this every hour of every day? How do I ignore them so well most of the time? How do I tell myself every morning that it's going to be okay, that eventually they will be smaller? I don't know, but that Strong Rowan needs to wake up and give Weak Rowan a big god damn hug, like STAT.

I'm such a scumbag. Sorry for this giant dumb of crazy, I hope you beautiful ladies are all doing well and hanging in there. <3 I love you.

**EDIT: Oh guys, I totally caved. I weighed myself just now. 
Everyone is asleep and the opportunity was too tempting...

Honestly, I don't know what I was really expecting to see, but I was preparing myself for the worst - being back in the 120's - and I think that's what stressed me out so much. Because if my scale said 120, this month would blow so hard. 

Instead, drum roll please...

114.4 lbs

Deep down I wanted it to be 110 again. But I also knew it wouldn't be.

I can live with 114. I expect by tomorrow morning it will be 113, maybe even 112, since the end of the day is the worst time to weigh and I've had a ton to eat and drink today. (rhyme..)

I'll update my stats with tomorrow morning's weight.

This means I'm just 7lbs away from being underweight...

Pretty sure all 7 of those pounds are in my thighs!! Ha!

107 will be so exciting. Who knows, maybe somewhere around there will actually be an ideal weight for me. It will be so exciting to finally start maintaining instead of losing!!

Okay, time to get some sleep so things can change overnight. ;) <3

Today's Intake
Breakfast: 20 grapes (40 cal)

Lunch/Snack: Salad at the restaurant (340 cal)

Dinner: Salad and grilled salmon (300 cal)
Sugar free angel food cake (60 cal)

Fluids: Iced Pomegranate Green Tea x1 (0 cal)
Mango and Passion fruit Green Tea x1 (0 cal)
Raspberry Green Tea x2 (0 cal)
Water (0 cal)

Total: 740 cal
(Today's Goal: 500)

Calorie Calendar (4/4 - 4/10)
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
485 230 275 475 210 496 740
 Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: Met Goal :: Over Goal :: Incomplete 
Over-Goal Calories: 300  :: Under-Goal Calories: 394

Weekly Goals:
Weigh-in on Monday April 11th & incorporate weight to my chart
 Write-up a new work out routine and schedule by the end of the week


  1. Relax, beautiful. You're doing great. I know you're disappointed with your jeans size, but just remember that you're only getting thinner. 740 calories is still considered starving, and sometimes food is just unavoidable. Breathe, drink some tea, and smile. Stay strong, lovely <3

  2. Relax. You will indeed probably be lighter in the morning, and think of everything you ate today as energy to get you through another week of restricting. You body does need SOMETHING to live on. Strong Rowan is always there, you just don't always recognize her. But it's okay to break down sometimes.
    Grace and peace,

  3. Omg I totally know what you mean... My parents are ALWAYS eating and it is so. so. so. Disgusting. But I've still got a few years till I can move out unfortunately :(




These are my opinions. You do not have to share them. If you disagree with me, please leave. If you are receiving treatment and do not wish to relapse, close this page. Neither you nor I can force the other to start or stop extreme dieting. You are here by choice. Extreme dieting is not good for you and I do not "suggest" or "endorse" it. However I will support you if you already feel the same as I do.