So Much Sadness...

 

We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.  

- Pink Floyd

In Negative Space

So much for being on track, so much for giving a damn.

So much for not being a wreck, a mess, a fat smudge.

 I guess all the years of caring, all the years of forcing it on myself have come crashing down around me, and all I have to show for all the frustration and madness, the crashing and climbing, the build ups and break downs is twenty pounds too much.

 I binge and I barf. - Maria Mena

I need the success to be happy, and the failure is so crushing, so torturous.

I just want someone to take the weight off my shoulders, off my mind, off my stomach.

It's unbearable.... I've just let go, lost myself in food and fat and I feel so...

dirty.

Not much is going well for me lately, and I know I'm eating so much because of it. My art, the one thing I use to feel good about, looks like utter shit. It's just so amateur, so incomplete, so imperfect in all the wrong ways. I feel like years of working to make it good have been a waste (just like my body). I feel like I have no real talent, I'm just trying to force myself to be good at something that clearly doesn't come naturally. All I did today was cry, and I'm trying not to let anyone know. I don't want them to worry, to know I'm a little bit broken right now... Because I couldn't explain why if I wanted to. 

It's just this overwhelming feeling of not having control - not being perfect - not having anything that sets me apart from everyone else. I have no "wow" factor. It's an empty sort of feeling, coupled with the apathy to do anything about it, which just makes it hurt more...

So you see, I'm not particularly good at anything, except dieting. 

And when I'm not good at that, I have nothing.

And that's where I am.

 

It was beautiful out today. I hate everything beautiful.

Tomorrow is Monday. A new week, a new starting point. 

A new chance to begin again.

Because even as exhausted, drained and defeated as I feel....

There's still no quitting.

There will never be a "quit" option.

Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for being my salvation. 

This would be eating me alive if I didn't have you. 

I've been reading your blogs obsessively, but I can't find the strength to respond.

I don't mean to be such a jerk, I just haven't got anything nice to say to you lovely ladies, and you deserve all the happiness and sweet nothings a stranger could give, and I don't want to be a downer. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight my friends.

 Setting up my calendar for the week early, since today was a total disaster. 

Calorie Calendar (4/4 - 4/10)

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
500	400	300	200	400	500	300

 Calorie Goal :: Final Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 

This Week's Excess Calories: