The Filth

"Faking a smile is much easier

than explaining why you are upset."

I can't help this dirty feeling lately. 

I started my job today. I work as a cashier for atleast a week until I'm moved to a better department that they're "fast tracking" me to. Dealing with the public makes me hate myself all the more, and it's only the first day. I hate that I am part of this species. 

I hate everything about being human. There's nothing lovely about it.

Even the beautiful among us are full of grime,

And yet they're still the best I can aspire to be.

I hate small talk with the trash who come in to cough on me with their cancer-coated breath.

I hate their kids, their clothes, their music, their religion.

I don't care about the weather; I don't give a shit about the traffic.

Your illness does not interest me. 

Your meaningless spats with your meaningless spouse do not concern me.

Your children are vile little rodents, who ought to be exterminated.

I am a rotten human being.

And I don't care.

I feel awkward and uncomfortable and I yearn to be alone... ALL the time.

I don't understand having friends anymore. What is the point?

It's draining to leave the house, to be around them. I have to paint on a face that isn't me.

"Just be yourself." They say.

What if myself is longing to tear every single person she meets into pieces?

What if I tell you that I can see through every little thing you do, and I hate you for it.

What if all I am is a spiteful, disappointed creature with nothing left to her but FAT AND HATE.

Everyone is just a mimic of something they saw on TV.

We're all just dying to be the same, and so am I.

In a society so large, so battered by media input, where does any originality come from?

I can't clear my head anymore. 

I can't find a unique spec in the cluttered catacombs of my mediocre mind.

Starving brought me some happiness. Starving brought me some comfort.

I lived in a dizzy world, unaware and unable to muster the hate that I so passionately feel for everything now.

I had control, purpose, balance.

Even if I'll never amount to more than a girl behind a counter, 

atleast I will have mastered the art of emptiness.

I feel like I am too repulsive to even think of intimacy.

My boy feels differently. 

He is the only thing that brings a genuine smile to my face.

He is the only thing in this world that is pure and good to me. 

He sees things the way I do, but he has learned to be happy in spite of it all.

He has mastered the bullshit smile and the phony sympathy, and he doesn't let it drain him.

I want to be like him in so many ways.

My love for him is invincible.

I am watching ANTM.

I'm still not back on track with dieting.

It starts on Thursday.

Wednesdays are party days at my apartment (joy) so I will be boozing it up.

Thursday.

I'm sorry for such a bitchy post. You guys are lovely, and you make me smile too.

I feel like if there's anywhere that I've been entirely understood among so many different people it is here. It's such a relief to be so open and honest.

I really, really appreciated your comments, and I will post more often.

I'm sorry I can't be more perky... 

I just don't have it in me today lol.

When Will I Learn?

To rectify past blunders is impossible,

but we might profit by the experience of them.

So, I don't know who is still here. You probably didn't know I was.

I don't know where I am...

I feel so defeated. I want to break down and disappear. Things were going so well it seemed.

I finally moved out. I'm finally living with the love of my life.

I have my license. I have a good job. I have no reason to be sad.

Except this enormous weight that is me. 

Myself.

I am fat.

Again.

Here we go, again. 

.... 

Something nice can be said for returning to this routine. But for a while I really thought I had "grown up". I thought I was beyond these foolish teenage habits, these crazy, skinny desires...

Will the cycle ever break for good? I really thought I had made it last time, but here I am again, telling you that I have failed.

I have eaten foods that could make you gain weight just by looking at them.

....

I don't have enough money to buy my own food at the moment. Hopefully in about two weeks that will change, and I can start living on apples and water again.

Until then, I am in hell.

I just want to scream with frustration, having no one who understands.

To top things off, I've pretty much discovered my boy likes fat chicks.

He doesn't consider me fat, but he's just so happy that my boobs are "huge" right now.

Aka, he's glad I'm fat. He LIKES ME FAT.

Well, I don't. Sorry. I can't stay like this to make him happy.

I know we'll stop having sex, but I'm pretty much over that.

Having sex when you feel gross and flabby sucks anyway. 

Even though he is really amazing in bed...

Anyway, hope you ladies are doing better than I have been.

I'm in a dark, ugly pit. But, I have the house entirely to myself.

Atleast I can say that happens a lot these days.

So crunches, here I come.