Loss.

At the temple, there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. 

It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. 

You cannot read Loss, only feel it.

- Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Geisha is one of my favorite movies. I find Geisha tragic and inspiring. They lived in a world devoted to pain and beauty, subservient to their art and to their men, but had more control than any of us will probably ever know. I envy that resolve, those unbreakable boundaries. They would not think well of me for saying so, but I'm not really wired right anyway.

Well, I'm sort of shocked that things didn't go as planned, I bombed probably on every day except Monday & Tuesday, but they weren't wonderful successes either. I can hardly believe a week has passed already.

Atleast my sweetheart and I have decided to start running together at night, after we get out of work. It's nice. It feels good. We're going for a run again tonight.

I just don't know who I have become. I'm a different person here, in this different world.

All I can feel is apathy. I haven't felt like this since I was a kid...

And the thing is.. it starts to feel nice, not to care, to just relax and take things as they are...

But I find myself in such pits of depression, staring at this flesh for endless hours... I look at it like it's a book written in a foreign language. I just can't understand what it is, what it means to see all of that flesh.... That fat...

I keep reading old blog posts of mine. I was so different, just a short year ago... And the years and years before that... My life use to have a rhythm, a pattern; ups and downs and it was all very common and I always knew what I wanted, where I was going, when I was doing poorly and when I wasn't.... 

Man, I whine a lot.