Hope Guides

"Hope guides me.

It is what gets me through the day, 

and especially the night."

- A Knights Tale

Hope keeps me thinking: All is not lost.

It is not too late, we have not gone too far.

I sit at home, alone. Watching Mad Men.

Doing sit ups.

I haven't eaten anything today. 

Yesterday I ate some soup broth, three carrots,

and a handful of craisins. 

I can't say I am happy, 

but my mind is calm.

It's not like being in a fog;

it's as if I am the fog.

Calm, sober, silent. 

Drifting along without much to say.

No one can understand this place but us.

Anyway... I bought a new scale.

It's kept me focused.

Since I recently started blogging again I have fasted twice.

I am very happy with that... I think.

It feels like I am somewhere else.

There's so much to be happy about, so much celebration going on in my life.

My birthday is tomorrow.

But I can't touch it. I don't think I can touch anything.

I feel like I've locked my heart away again.

Thank you for the comments on my last blog,

and Olivia - I have missed your blogs very much. I still think of them. :) 

I am glad to be back here.

I feel very wrapped up in the shame of my failure, after so many blogs about how great I am 

at losing weight and living life, ha! I hope you still accept me as I am.

<3

Love and hugs to all of you out there.

I can't stay long to write..

But I guess I wanted to say,

everything is going really, really good. :)

A Far Cry

I am a far cry from the girl I was those years ago.

It's strange to find myself looking back into this world, a world that use to be mine.

I am turning 21 in less than ten days.

In some ways, I am stronger. In others, I have become weak.

I can't say I've made any great self improvements.

I can't say there's much to be proud of this birthday.

But I feel stable. I feel ready.

I want, I need, this year to be my year. 

I want to become so much more than I am today.

I spent today reflecting on everything. 

Most especially reflecting on the things I have neglected:

 My body, my diet, my wardrobe, my self worth. 

I have come to a single conclusion:

There is no other option left.

There is no other way I can be happy in who I am,

without taking care of my neglected body.

I have so much to be happy for in my life, so much to take pride in.

And I am dishonoring all of it by not being happy.

I can not be happy without being thin.

I can't say I'll be blogging often, or regularly at all.

I can say that the next time you hear from me, I promise you, 

I will be on the right path.