The Fatal Flaw in Leary's Trip

"We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of that speed that fueled the 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took him seriously... All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force - is tending the light at the end of the tunnel."


So right after posting about staying positive, and putting so much effort into being happy lately... I crashed and burned. A flaming piece of shit falling down a mountain of good feelings (and a pinch of denial) to land in the proverbial pit of despair, with all my anxieties cluster fucking around me. But it's a new day, a new start. Forget the failures and frustrations of yesterday; overcome.

I'm currently forced to eat TOO MUCH. I'm stuck home 24/7, and there's just no way to fast. Honestly the only meal we eat together is dinner, but it's never anything healthy. Atleast not by most standards. And obviously I have to make an appearance and can't blatantly eat nothing. I guess this is what keeps putting me in a poor mood, no matter how hard I fight the anger.. and such. I feel like I'm being stuffed full of fat every night. =( It's really hard to keep that from getting to me...

Tomorrow is Sunday, and my dad makes either pancakes or french toast. At this point all I can see is a big pile of CELLULITE for breakfast. But hey, Sunday is the day of worship, after all. It's only fitting my family would worship their fatty deities while I'm worshiping my porcelain god.

Except not exactly, because I don't purge anymore. Because I don't binge and don't feel the need to go through the motions over minor things. Though sometimes it's hard not to feel like a slice of french toast is a binge, when that's all it takes to fill you up for the next three days... 

The past few days I've had 30 calories worth of Cheerios and about 10-20 calories worth of peeled apple slices. I feel pretty decent all day, and then dinner comes, and every bite is a punch in the face. The best I can do is stay up and hope to work off the food. 


In other news, I deleted my last post on accident when trying to delete drafts. Ugh. :( And it was a pretty motivational one for me. But oh well.


I'd really like a fast. And reading about everyone else fasting is making me so jealous lol. :( I'm just not in the position to fool around. Everyone keeps saying I've lost weight. But I think I'll have a one-day fast tomorrow. I can use the 'sick' excuse for just a day I think.

Welcome to the Jungle

Today's Food:
- 1/4 cup dry Oatmeal Squares cereal - ~50 cal
- 3/4 small Courtland apple (no skin) - 55 cal (according to http://www.peertrainer.com/)
- Tuna Sandwhich - Tuna (50 cal) + 1 slice potato bread (100 cal) + 1 tbsp miracle whip (40 cal)
Total calories: 295 calories

My tips from these meals:
-  When peeling and coring the apple I got rid of lots. Throwing out parts you could eat saves calories!
- I actually used much less than 1 tbsp of mayo. It's just pure fat, but tuna is hard for me to eat alone. Just use as little as possible.
- I always round up when I count calories. Because later in the day the higher that number in my head is the less likely I will be to eat more!

Why I chose today's foods:
- Oatmeal Squares are healthy with little sugar. They are a bit high in calories but they keep you feeling full for a long time, like other dry cereals.
- Milk is a lot of calories that aren't needed. Take a calcium supplement instead.
- Apples are good for your heart and work as a mild diuretic. Healthy calories!
- Tuna is full of Omega-3 fatty acids - which are great for your skin, among other things.
- Potato bread is better for you than white bread. Wheat bread is probably best, but I prefer the taste and texture of potato.

Other thoughts for today: 

About other blogs -

Reading blogs made me really study what foods everyone is taking in. A big one that shocked me is soda. What?! Why?! Soda is bad for you! Even diet soda! Especially if you ever want kids, because diet soda has been linked to causing Autism - yikes. Calories aren't everything. Think about nutrition too. If you're going to focus on eating less don't use up those calories on JUNK FOOD! Think healthy and beneficial! Think juice - 100% juices with no additives. Apple and cranberry juices work to cleanse your body & get rid of waste. Much better than soda, that has nothing but negative effects to offer your body. Water is another thing we're not getting enough of. It's so good for your skin and lips. And always a better choice than soda!!

Also, I noticed lists of foods you can't eat. How depressing! Why not make a list of foods you SHOULD eat? There are lots of healthy foods that are delicious. If you're always focused on what you CAN'T have and what you WISH you could eat, you're more likely to end up eating them - and sending yourself into a binge because your mind can't escape those thoughts. Instead, focus on being healthy and the foods your body will love! Our bodies take enough abuse with our EDs. 

Another thing I want to suggest is researching foods you eat on a daily basis. Find out how your body is being effected by them - what are the benefits? It's hard to research every food out there. Instead, pick things you are willing/like to eat and learn about them. If nothing you eat is good for you, start finding things that are good for you and you like, and do extra research on them too. Maybe you want to burn fat faster. Maybe you want clearer skin. Maybe you want healthy bones and hair. Food can do that, if you find the right ones.

Great websites to check out:
CalorieKing.com is great. I don't plan on joining or anything, but as a reference it works well. I couldn't remember exactly how many calories were in tuna, so I went to CalorieKing's page for it - very specific, down the the brand and type, and had all of the nutrition info. Not to mention a list of "ways to burn these calories", which included 15 minutes of walking or 6 minutes of jogging. Very empowering to put it in perspective like that!

Today isn't over however. I've still gotta eat dinner later with the family, so we'll see how well I can do with that! No idea what we're eating, hopefully something healthy. I'll update again later! <3

To Start With

Let's start with stats:

I'm five feet and four inches tall. I weigh 114 pounds.

My highest weight was ~140 pounds (no lie, I was huge!).

My lowest weight was 112 pounds.

So I can feel fairly decent right now, I think!

The tragedy of being short is that 114 pounds looks like nothing on a tall girl. 

On me, it's quite a bit still. But I'll get there.

Oh, and I'm 18.

Today I had 1/4 cup cereal (Life - no milk) and several large red grapes.

Later, 1/3 can light chicken & rice soup and ate mostly broth and veggies out of it.

Other than that I had a few lightly salted mixed nuts and a slice of toast.

Lots of water, lots of green tea. I lost count today. :/

Our society is so fucked and fat. Why do people eat so damn much? 

I once read that if all of the food in the whole world was gathered up and distributed evenly no one would have enough food to be healthy. But if you read health articles, doctors would have you eating something from every food group three times a day. Who needs that much? And why? Who decided this is how we should live? The food industry? Fuck off with your "nutritional guidelines" and your desire to profit from making me fat. I won't do it.

I am my own God, damn it. I will create me. 
I will create the most beautiful me possible and I will live the life I want. 


I clean the house constantly. I make extra trips up and down the stairs. Ten trips for ten objects that could easily be carried all at once. It's nice to feel accomplished, to be helping others and to be burning fat. When I wash dishes, I scrub each one extra long, polish the pans and work until my arms are tired and sore.


I like to make food for others. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm giving them fatty foods that I would never let myself eat, but it's their life, and if it makes them happy it makes me happy too. I wish they could feel the same for me. Thankfully no one notices much. I'm sick a lot and my weight loss is always contributed to that. "She's not anorexic, she's been sick so much this year, she can't help it."


I got violently sick a few weeks ago. I threw up so much and for so long, the worst I've ever been sick, and that's honestly saying a lot. It made me realize that even though I thought I was taking small enough bites and chewing long enough, I wasn't. Not at all. Now I'm extra focused on cutting up my food tiny. Chewing it into a paste before I swallow, no matter what it is. Big drink of water between EVERY bite. Put that fork down as often as possible.


Burn calories every way I can. Sit up straight, tighten those stomach muscles! Turn computer time into work-out time! Listen to music that makes you move all the time! 


I no longer yearn for fat, unhealthy foods. I don't miss it! Not even a little! It's a great feeling. I can't look at cake or doughnuts or icecream without feeling sick, without seeing a pile of jiggly fat on a plate. Researching unhealthy foods has helped a lot. Looking at pictures of high fructose corn syrup is enough to make a person blow chunks. Not to mention the disturbing facts about the meat industry. You're not only eating, you're eating all the chemicals they've pumped into those critters. You know they mix arsenic into chicken feed to make the chickens hungrier and thus fatter? How do we know that doesn't pass on to us? Maybe eating that steriod-stuffed poltry is what makes you reach for the rest of his family in that bucket of deep-fried fatty shit? I'm no peta freak, it's not worth it. I'd have to fix me before I tried to fix the rest of the world, and there's just not enough time for that.

Anywho. This is an awfully long post for my first go, but it's been building up for a long time.

I've wanted to write one of these for a long time. Glad I did. I feel good. :)