Afraid of Sinking

"She said I need you to hold me,
I'm a little far from the shore,
And I'm afraid of sinking.
You're the only one who knows me,
And who doesn't ignore,
That my soul is weeping."

 - Just Feel Better by Santana & Steven Tyler

 

 

Hey guys. I'm really struggling right now. It's been tough today and yesterday, and I feel really overwhelmed by trying to eat more, but not binge, even though it's hard to decide what's a binge and what isn't and by the end of the day the calories are battling it out in my head more than in my stomach. I feel nervous and compelled to run in place for endless amounts of time. 

 

It's tough. Not that I'm surprised, but I can't remember trying to consciously be "healthy" before. It's always been starving or binging. Atleast, as far as I can remember. This is all so unfamiliar to me. I don't know how to be in between. Why is it I feel in control when I'm at either end of the spectrum?

I haven't been reading posts like I said I would, I'm so sorry. It's just that everything is "triggering" for me right now. I miss being happy about 300 calorie days and more than anything I miss having a goal. My mom said I was an "eating machine" yesterday when I ate my lunch. I know she just said it because I don't normally eat lunch, but I came so close to purging, I wanted to rip my hair out. An eating machine... It's still ringing in my ears.

 

I still want to be thin. I still want to keep losing. That's the truth of it all. I keep thinking about 107 lbs. Just 2 lbs away.. And if I accidentally got there well, that would be okay, right? Or maybe 105, that's only 2lbs under the underweight line, no one would notice. And well, 100 lbs, that's really not all that extreme anyway, it's not double digits....

But I know I'm also anxious and being weird right now. When I made the decision to be healthier I was very calm and thinking very clearly, everything was making sense to me, and I don't want to change my mind now, when I'm obviously not thinking clearly.

 

But still, maybe 107 lbs would be okay....

I just don't know right now. But at the same time, I do know. I know I'm experiencing exactly what I figured I would experience. So, now I just need to stick it out.

Anyway, this is mostly an apology. I'm finding it difficult to get on blogger right now.

I won't leave, I promise, and I will try to read and comment when I can find it in me to do so without making any rash decisions. But I'm doing this whole "getting healthy" thing by myself. And I know the solo route is rarely very successful, but I've done everything else on my own, I know I can do this too. I just have to not lose it, lol!  In more ways than one...

Stay strong lovelies, I'm so sorry.

<3 Ro

It's Never Easy to Change, But it's Worth It

I thought love was only true in fairy tales,
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Ah, love was out to get to me,
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams,
Then I saw your face.
Now I'm a believer!

The Day After

 Yep, it's been hard already. I've thought a lot about purging, but I'm done with that, like I said. So, the food stays. I've thought even more about changing my mind, just losing those last ten pounds anyway, but no. I'm going to stick to this. I am not over eating, I am eating healthy. I am eating small, scheduled meals with fruits and veggies and plenty of water. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, and it's hard. It's hard to believe I should be eating 1000+ calories a day, I don't think my stomach could even stretch to accommodate that much right now.

Surprisingly, what helped me a lot was hearing a woman on a talk show speak about "Teaching Your Children Healthy Eating Habits". She talked a lot about how parents can trigger unhealthy relationships with food down the line by using food as a reward or comforting thing, or by telling your child they are "on a diet". Now, I don't feel comfortable blaming my parents, because everyone from doctors to teachers to the mailman gave kids sweet things as a rewarding or comforting thing, "back in my day". Now doctors and teachers give out stickers and coloring books. How on earth could my parents have known they were doing harm? Either way, I don't hold any of it against them. It's society in general, it's the way life goes. Regardless of who's to blame, the ability and decision to change is up to ME.

She also said (I'm paraphrasing), "Let your kids natural instincts towards food be the guide. Don't force them to eat or 'clean their plate' if they aren't hungry. Let them listen to their body. We are born with our instincts in tact, and our bodies know what they need. Don't try to change or complicate those instincts. Later in life children that are raised this way are more likely to listen to their bodies and not eat for emotional reasons." and "Don't make a big deal about not eating sweets and treats, just don't make them available all the time. If they're at a party, let them eat cake! But don't make dessert an everyday thing at home."

I need to teach myself how to eat again. I need to treat myself like a child, lol. Her words really struck home. People eat healthy and maintain a low weight. I am at a low weight, I can do this. I'm not going to become huge, even if it feels like it. I'm taking it slow, because I'm going to have my whole life to perfect "being healthy". 

Don't get me wrong, this is really hard. Feeling full makes me feel really anxious. But I'm trying.

I'm increasing my activity a lot, even just yesterday and today. Getting up early, having a single cup of green tea and working out in shifts between meals and things I have to do is really helping. Already I feel like my body is approving. Before lunch I genuinely felt hungry, and then again before dinner I felt hungry too. I don't know why! But I have strength in my legs and can already jump and jog again, it's good. It's not something I'm sure I should be proud of yet, but I can do this.

I wasn't able to weigh today, and honestly.. I'm really scared to. But for right now, it's okay. I'm going to let my body be the guide, I'm going to watch the mirrors more and the scale less, I'm going to keep my workouts consistent and strong, and I'm going to listen to my body....

Maybe I should weigh once a week? :/ I'm sure there's a healthier approach to that too...

But.. Oh how I miss the familiar. 400 calories is comfortable, I wish I could be doing that right now... I wish I could have the reassurance of weight loss on my mind instead.. I mean, it is nice to enjoy bread and food again, but it just feels scary... 

Anyway, I'm glad I can prove to myself that I can do this on my own. I proved I could lose almost 40lbs on my own (if not more), I proved I could stop binging and purging, I can do this to. I really know I can. I'm a strong person, and I've tamed this unruly beast I call my body before. 

I've tried counseling and I learned there's nothing I can gain from speaking to someone who can only repeat to me the things I've already recognized within myself and thought about changing anyway. Now it's just about acting on those thoughts, understanding the ways in which I'm defeating myself and learning how to change...

I can do this.

I don't want to need counseling again, or to make my family/friends think I need it either. Those were the worst, most humiliating and degrading years of my life and I do not plan to ever go back there. I'm going to do this by myself, for myself. 

Love and hugs,

Ro

In Response to Your Comments

Olivia - Thank you so, so much. I truly appreciate your support, maybe more than ever as I tread these unfamiliar waters, it's truly terrifying. I'm glad my choice isn't pushing you away, and I just read your blog as well, I'm so glad you're finding a healthy balance again too. <3 Best of luck to you love, I'll comment soon! Stay strong! 

Lottie - Aw! Thank you so much, you are too sweet. I'm so glad my words mean something to others, hehe. I hope you're finding happiness too. <3

To whoever stopped following my blog -

I'm sincerely sorry my blog is no longer worth reading to you, but I'm doing this for me. I will succeed. Best of luck to whoever you were.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: An apple (50 cal)
Pinch of granola (50 cal)

Lunch/Snack: 1/2 Egg Salad Sandwich (215 cal)
 Fat free raspberry yogurt (100 cal)

Dinner: Turkey sandwich and raw carrots (300 cal)
(veggies are free)

Fluids: Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 715 cal
(Today's Goal: 800)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	•665	• 715	700	800	800	900	900
Weight	109	?	-	-	-	-	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• Breath
• Smile
• Love

Revelations, Decisions and Big Changes

Wake up and change your life.

Some Revelations and Decisions

I'm feeling better today, and I have some important things to say. Having some time to slow down and reflect while being sick made me realize a lot about where and who I am right now, the ways I've changed, the ways I want to change, and the ways I don't. It seems like my thoughts have been very chaotic up until this point, and I feel like I've found some clarity.

I've come to a very important place in my journey. You may look down on me for it, and you may want to stop following me, but it's what I need to do. It's what I want to do.

I have curves. I have a butt, I have boobs. I'm a full B cup, sometimes a C. My tummy is mostly flat but needs some work. My body needs toning all over. I am 109 lbs. I am at the low end of healthy, I am not underweight. I love my boobs. I love feeling sexy and curvy, and I don't want to feel like a plank of wood. It's hard to cope with the fact that I am not skin and bones, it bothers me that there's flesh that jiggles and moves, but:

I've decided I don't want to weigh 100 lbs.

I've given this a lot of thought actually, and not just in the past few days. The more I look at myself the more I don't want to say "good bye" to curves. The more my boy says he "hates supermodel type bodies" and similar things (that I won't share) the more I realize that's the last thing I want to look like to him. He is everything to me.

The romantic ideal of being a waif, of being so thin I could just disappear or blow away with the wind is still so appealing to me. But I have a romance that is real and indestructible, a man who loves and cherishes every inch of me, and never, ever wants me to disappear. And I have been jeopardizing our relationship by keeping these things from him and by putting myself in danger.

I am not "quitting" because it's hard to lose these last tens lbs, I'm doing this because it feels like the right thing to do for my body. I have made this decision before, but this is the lowest I've made it at, and the last time I made this decision I also made the decision to do nothing but binge.

So with this decision comes the challenge of maintaining, toning, keeping control, and learning how to be as healthy as I can without getting larger. This week will be an experiment in all of those things. For that matter, the rest of this month probably will be.

Last night I allowed myself one peanut butter cup. I wanted to see if I could do it. I did. I ate it, and it was the only one I ate. Then I threw out three handfuls of Easter candy. I will continue to throw it out, and maybe once a week I will let myself have a piece again.

I've never believed there was anything out of my reach or anything I can't accomplish if I set my mind to it. I think EVERYONE has that ability, it's just a matter of tapping into it and learning what works for you instead of repeating mistakes, no matter what your goals are. So, this is the task that lays in front of me. I am going to redesign my work-out routine and my calorie expectations. I am going to keep active, keep healthy, and be HAPPY. 

And I am not going to disappear.

I'm not going to blow away in the wind.

My life, my body and my spirit have too much left to do in this world.

I want to do this, and I can. It's time. 

It's been years since I weighed 140lbs (or more) and I am now two pounds away from being classified as underweight. It took me a long time to get here, and I'm never going back. But it's time to start improving my life in other ways, and worrying less about food. It's time to feel like I have energy, like I can function. 

I know I haven't lost that much weight since I started blogging (started blogging at 118lbs) but it's been an amazingly therapeutic ride in which I've learned a wealth about myself and made so many incredible friends. Your support, your warmth and your love have changed my life forever, and without the things I've been able to learn through your blogs and my own I probably would not be ready to do this.

I am on the verge of a lot of major changes in my life. I've come a long way. I am proud of myself for everything I have accomplished and I am ready to go forward in my life with my new body, in my new home with the love of my life, and in the jobs and hobbies that lay ahead. Deep down I know I can not continue to starve and expect it not to interfere with everything I want to do. However, I can be healthy, I can work out, I can keep my weight where it is and I can get rid of my anxiety over food.

This is not goodbye! I will still post, perhaps not daily but I will, and I will of course keep reading your blogs (if you'll still have me). I understand we all have different goals and I don't begrudge anyone who wants to weigh less than I have chosen. I will probably envy you, but I know what I want and what I need, for me.

I know it's going to be hard. I'm probably going to break down and feel awful for eating so much every now and then, but if I can go without binging or purging I can go without starving too. I don't need to lose more, I just need to stay where I am, with lots of toning that is. ;)

And thank you guys so much for all of the love you sent me while I wasn't feeling good. I don't know where I would be without you, but I know I wouldn't be nearly as strong. You girls amaze and inspire me every day, and I believe that you're all going to do great things. 

You all have a very special place in my heart. Never forget that.

Here's to the mountains I climbed and the times I had to crawl;

To everything I've learned, and everything I am today.

Here's to tomorrow; to the future.

To my dreams.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: An apple (50 cal)

Lunch/Snack: 1/2 Egg Salad Sandwich (215 cal)
 Fat free cherry yogurt (100 cal)

Dinner: Grilled salmon, cooked mixed veggies and raw carrots (150 cal)
(veggies are free)

Fluids: Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 665 cal
(Today's Goal: 700)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	•665	800	700	800	800	900	900
Weight	109	?	?	-	-	-	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• Breath
• Smile
• Love

Sick sick sick...

Too Sick to Care

Still feeling very sick.

I just want to leave these fleeting, feverish thoughts,

while I'm not trying to control myself so much, 

while I'm just dizzy and lonely...

Do I want to be skinny or have friends?

Did I have friends before?

Will I have more when I'm skinny?

Will I finally be brave?

Yesterday I thought to myself, "I love my body."

And maybe I could settle with this weight.

But I realize that my body is not interested in being this weight,

my body wants to be ten pounds heavier.

I will always have to force it into submission.

What I wouldn't give to be a carefree skinny girl.

The peanut butter cups in the kitchen are calling me

and it's all I can do to keep myself from binging.

I want to binge so badly.

It helps that I can't taste much right now.

Tomorrow is the weigh-in for El's contest, I'm certain it won't be much better than last week.

But atleast I should be able to weigh tomorrow, I hope.

I just want to cry.

I want to go home to my boy, forever. 

I still have over a month left to go until I can move.

I just want him to hold me, but I don't want him to know how fragile I've become...

Love and hugs, hopefully I'll be better soon and can make a real post <3

-Ro

Happy Easter & Whatnot

not just when it's easy to be strong.

- Me

Happy Easter, I'm sick

 Hey ladies. Sorry for my lack of updates and posting before I even finished that last post. I felt some kind of sickness coming on, I'm still not really sure what's up. I've got killer headaches, my sinuses are killing me, I feel weak and keep sweating randomly... It's not great, but here's hoping it's somehow just allergy related.

Anyway my intake wasn't ideal yesterday. We had pizza and I did well but god some days it's just so hard to say no. And I really need my strength since today is Easter. We haven't gotten into our baskets yet, but it's coming....

Happy Easter to you all by the way! And if you don't celebrate, hope you're having a good candy-free weekend. ;) I'm not religious in the slightest and my family hardly is either, we mostly just participate in Christian things because my parents' families are Christian and for the sake of tradition.

I helped put together the baskets last night and off course my mom had to give me some candy. She was watching and I ate it. Ugh. I can't stop feeling shitty about it.

It's driving me mad that I can't weigh right now...

Last night I put on the dress I bought a few weeks ago, and it's definitely lose, as are the jeans I bought. Happy I lost weight, sad I won't get to wear these things much. But I'm proud that my arms are finally starting to look less flabby! It's a strapless dress and there's nothing I hate more than armpit fat - you know what I'm talking about? That bunch of flesh that sticks out by your arms and your bra? Blah! Anyway my skin is looking fabulous thanks to eating so healthy and drinking so much water, and that made me feel good about the dress too. :)

Sorry for the blah post, I just feel so sick and awful. I may not update much for the next few days. :( Stay strong ladies, I'm sending my love and hugs! 

<3 <3 <3

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: An apple (50 cal)

Lunch/Snack: -

Dinner:

Fluids: Lots of Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 50 cal
(Today's Goal: 500)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	• 320	• 330	• 280	• 900	•450	•480	500
Weight	109.2	?	?	?	?	?	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• 107 lbs by the end of the week

 • Download new work out music

Keep Calm & Carry On

You've had so much food in your life, 

and you will have more. 

But you will not get the chance to be thin 

unless you dedicate yourself to it, 

and that includes the hard times, 

not just when it's easy to be strong.

- Me

Don't Panic

 I swear, I need to get "Keep Calm & Carry On" tattooed on my hand or something! I know it's so simple and silly but really, it's helping me so much. When I get that "STUFF YOUR FACE" urge and I say it to myself, it's like a reboot. It's so great. 

Anyway, sorry for such an insane post last night. I realize now that it was actually a pretty normal, almost healthy portion size. It was not a binge, it was just more than I was hoping for, and it's okay. It's really okay. And I didn't purge and I didn't continue to eat more when I got home, so I can forgive, forget and carry on. I also worked out as much as I could on a full stomach and got a good nights sleep. Everything is going to be okay. ;)

 It seems like there's always one day a week that circumstances force me to eat extra, and maybe it's good for me. Maybe it's keeping my metabolism alive and kicking. So maybe I should allow myself one day a week, whatever day it should happen, to eat "normal". Maybe that's a healthier approach.

 Also I have yet again not had a single opportunity to weigh myself. It was sort of blowing my mind and frustrating me beyond all reason and then I realized why it was happening: Everyone's on spring break. The house is bustling with life and activity. No wonder! Next week will be back to normal of course. I'm so silly!

It seems like a lot of us want to be healthier lately, and I have to say, I want to do the same. I just don't want to gain weight from it... It's hard but I feel like I can find a balance. I think I'm going to start by eating little snacks throughout the day, instead of one small breakfast and nothing until dinner, and just keep my activity level up all day. I've read that's the best way to go and it should hurt my weight.

Also, yesterday I didn't have any tea and my bloating has gone away almost overnight. It was really quite the ridiculous pooch, I looked pregnant if I let it stretch my stomach out enough. So I was reading up on stomach bloat and the things that caused it, because it was clearly not fat (I can feel fat, it's solid, you know) and it would disappear if I tightened my stomach muscles. So I was sort of baffled as to what was going on.

Anyway, I discovered a long list of things that can cause us to bloat, and it's basically your gastrointestinal tract becoming inflamed or irritated from certain foods, drinks and gases. And caffeine as well as sugar alcohols in artificial sweeteners are two of the top causes! Of course. So I am going to have to lessen my tea intake, but I'm going to hold off on drinking any until I get it completely under control. I'll share with you everything I found out next week, when I do another post with info & resources. :)

In Response to Your Comments

Sorry this is way overdue again!

Alex - Thank you so much for all of the support and love! <3 I really truly appreciate it. I apologize for my comment on your blog being rather blunt lol, I just feel strongly about it, and I know what it's like to feel like your problems aren't valid. I struggled with the decision to blog at all because of how people judge the "pro ana community". But I also think no one realizes just how diverse the community is, and just how widely ranged our feelings, opinions, problems, methods and lives all are. Anyway, you are a beautiful, wonderful person and don't let anyone make you feel inferior or invalid for any reason. <3 Stay strong hon.

Determined Girl - Thank you so much, you are so sweet! I'm so glad I can inspire you. <3 Stay strong, I'm sending lots of love and hugs! :)

 Cara - Yeah, I definitely need to get serious about preventing aging, my eyelids are definitely starting to show some signs and I am the same, it seems to overwhelming, there's so many products. But reading stuff online is really helpful,

** I will reply to more when I have time. 
I've suddenly become rather sick. :( Hopefully will be able to update tomorrow.

<3 Love you all.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: An apple (50 cal)

Lunch/Snack: -

Dinner: Steak, potatos, salad (~400 cal)

Fluids: Lots of Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 450 cal
(Today's Goal: 500)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	• 320	• 330	• 280	• 900	•450	400	300
Weight	109.2	?	?	?	?	-	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• 107 lbs by the end of the week

 • Download new work out music

Frustration & Sabotage

Enough guilt. 

Turn the page.

Today's Frustration

UGH!!! FUCK!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system... Fuck! Today sucked! I was doing well, despite not being able to weigh yet again today (ugh!!), I was proud of myself for eating a slightly larger portion of fruit and veggies for breakfast and felt like today could be a reasonable success, and then I discovered I'd be running errands all day (though hardly burning calories) and we'd be eating at Red Lobster tonight.

Anxiety set it, but not nearly as much as it should have.

Red Lobster. Fuck. Lobster fest. Shit. Damn, crap and stupid.

I opted for a meal that was 700 cal, which was the low end of the menu's atrocities. Plus a salad. Fine, I will forgive myself for the salad. Fine. Okay, I can do this. I ate about half of the 700 cal dinner of grilled lobster, crab and shrimp. Ugh. But then dessert came, and for god sakes I don't know what came over me, I ordered apple pie! :( 

Does this count as a binge? I don't know, but I ate that whole goddamn piece of pie.

To my surprise however, I don't feel bloated. I barely feel full. My body was begging me to binge, screaming at me, "You have room! DO IT!!" Oh god.. I'm glad I didn't eat my whole dinner but pie? Really? I just ate pie? AND I will confess, I had several bites of my sister's chocolate cake when she offered it to me.

Ladies, this is why I'm fat. :( Oh I want to cry. I don't know how bad the damage was, I'm estimating ATLEAST 800 calories and that's probably way less than what it was but I just want to run all night. 

Run. Yes. Run far away from all this shit. Run to a place where I never have to worry about food.

You know what? I'll live in the woods, in the mountains, far from anyone who wears makeup and pretty clothes and I'll just eat my anxiety away.... :(

I need to go do some jumping jacks for the rest of the night.

This wasn't a binge.. It wasn't.. I really, really need to feel like it wasn't a binge.

I can't stand thinking I lost control. I felt in control.. But pie? PIE? :( 

Tomorrow will be a success the likes of which blogger has not seen. I will work my ASS off tonight and tomorrow, and if I have any strength left by Saturday I will run circles around the house until my feet wear tracks in the lawn.

With any luck though, this will kill the '109' plateau I think I was stuck at, since I didn't feel like my weight was budging, and I know throwing in a suddenly large intake is a good way to kill a plateau... We will see. 

Sorry for the crappy post girls. I'll do better tomorrow.

Today's Intake 

Breakfast: Blueberries, grapes, carrots (100 cal)

Lunch/Snack: -

Dinner: Red Lobster Fuckfest (800 cal)

Fluids: Lots of Water (0 cal) 

Total: • 900 cal
(Today's Goal: 400)

Calorie Calendar (4/11 - 4/17)

♥	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Calories	• 320	• 330	• 280	• 900	500	400	300
Weight	109.2	?	?	?	-	-	-

Calorie Goal :: Calorie Total :: • Met Goal :: • Over Goal :: • Incomplete 
Weight Loss: 0 lbs :: Weight Gain: 0 lbs 

✔ Weekly Goals ✔

• 107 lbs by the end of the week

 • Download new work out music