Vomit and Other Horrors to Come

 

I wish to be this lovely, please...

 I feel so sick. My hormones being on the worst fritz of my life has left me out of control and miserable. The last few days I've just gotten frantically hungry, like I want to eat every last scrap of food I can possibly find... Yesterday I thought it was just a freak thing, but I see a pattern forming now....

Today I ate two huge handfuls of peanuts and raisins followed by atleast 10 rice crisp chips, and for breakfast I had a banana, a corn toastie (they're sort of like English muffins) and a bowl of apple sauce. Then dinner got here and I had half of a turkey sub (wiped off as much mayo as I could) and some veggie soup. 

I can't eat like this. I can't. I don't even want to think about calories, but it's pretty much pointless since the physical pain I'm in is (for once) greater than the mental anyway. My stomach is bloated and cramping and dumping all that food into my already unhappy stomach made it much worse.... I just want it out of me. 

I feel so dirty.

I must have reached 1000 calories today. I must. Twice as much as my limit, and it hurt.
And yet, now that it's starting to get better, I want to eat again. I want something cheesy and/or salty. I've been eating mostly fruits and grains, taking in very little salt. It's making my skin look pretty great but the cravings are lame.

I'm not going to lie, I'm probably going to eat again tonight. 
I can feel it coming. =( 

Plans have changed and I'm going to get to see my honey much sooner! So I won't be posting for a while. I'm excited and upset all at the same time lol. I was hoping I could end all of this bloating before I saw him... Maybe drop a few more pounds too... I just want so badly to wow him a little more every time he sees me. I've lost 8 lbs since he last saw me.....


Also, my scale has finally died. It needs some kind of freaky battery that we don't have just lying around. I don't know what to do. How do I tell my parents we need to get a new battery for the scale? I've decided I can't order one online. I'm just not brave enough.


.... Now what?

The holiday season is coming. Thanksgiving is two weeks away.
 Anyone else terrified? I am....


Also, something I saw that I thought you guys would all enjoy:

do NOT go into the light by *TheBizarreBirdcage on deviantART

Define "Binge", please...

Roger Mann 4 by *BlackLotu5 on deviantART

 This morning I had a banana and a handful of Honey Nut Cheerios. Like, 200 calories probably.

Then I had a handful of grapes for lunch.

Then dinner: A pile of spaghetti with sauce and TWO slices of BREAD WITH BUTTER!

Mind you, it was Promise margarine but still. Then I had more grapes and some rice crisp things. 

UGH. I FEEL SO HUGE. =( I wish I could eat 1000 calories and not feel gross. Or even 700.

Okay, it would be nice to eat at all without feeling bad.

 Fuck, that had to be atleast 800 calories right? I'm not very good at estimating dinner, and pastas scare the hell out of me. I didn't finish all of it, I guess I should feel good for that. I had just been out in the cold all day and that nice, hot plate of homemade spaghetti sauce was taunting me so terribly. =( I feel like I binged so much, but looking at it again it's not SO bad...

Remember when you could eat and not feel bad?

Remember going for that slice of greasy pizza and just smiling away as you devoured that cheesy, saucy delight, with no remorse what-so-ever?

I can. I can remember my chipmunk cheeks and pregnant-looking belly too.

It's worth it. The guilt is worth it. It's what keeps me in check, I know.

I guess it's worse thanks to my hormones being all screwed up right now and my stomach bloating. And not just bloating, but cramping too, so I can't do any crunches, I can't even dance a little to work it off because it just hurts so much. Ugh!!

I just want to sit on the couch and gorge myself on chocolate right now. And you would not BELIEVE how much chocolate is in this house. Reese's Peanut Butter cups by the POUND and Lindor truffles and Forbidden Fudge Brownie frozen yogurt and all of the Halloween candy... And everyone going, "Have some fat- I mean chocolate!" FUCK OFF!! 

Sorry for the bitchy post. I haven't had cravings like this in so long... I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. I tried to savor that spaghetti for so, so long... I didn't want that portion to end. I knew if it ended too quickly I would be dishing up a second helping. And fuck knows that's the last thing these thighs need. 

Somebody hug me. =( 

I can't wait until I live on my own, and can decide what food is kept in the house. Of course my boyfriend will have say in food too, but it won't be so bad. And he doesn't question me or make me feel bad about how I eat. In fact I tend to eat more reasonably around him because we are active and he makes me feel so so good. 

But I plan to have a nice cute little fridge, full of apples, peaches, pears, grapes, blueberries, bananas, carrots and tangerines. And loads of fruit juices and iced teas! And avocados! Tons of avocados! I know they're a bit fatty but they are so good for me. My skin just loves having them in my diet, it's like that pregnant glow some women get, lmao! 

And I'm going to go around the grocery store discovering the lowest of the low-fat, low-calorie, low-sodium, low-guilt foods I possibly can and keep them in the house so I can feel GOOD about eating!! Instead of just feeling like, "Well this will only make me feel a little awful, instead of super awful..."


What are your favorite low-cal foods? I recently discovered those simple Quaker rice cakes are only 35 calories. And they're bigger than my hand. They taste like Styrofoam but with a little bit of low-cal fruit spread they're not bad!  


Also, cheese is calling to me like no one's business right now. Thankfully we don't have any cheese sticks (100 calories a pop, most of it fat) but we did last week, and... I totally ate several. =/

Bloated & Babbling, Magazines & Madness.

"My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely."

Went shopping today. Oh dressing room. 

I could spend all day in you... just to keep other people from looking at me.

I definitely need to get out more. Or atleast, come in close contact with more people. I need a serious reality check. Fuck. I sit here looking at all these gorgeous ladies, wishing I was one. So much time and agony spent wishing I could be something that does not actually exist without photoshop and body makeup. I might as well be trying to turn myself into a unicorn. 

And I go out, and I am so scared of people looking at my flawed, uneven skin and my FAT fat FAT body, that it starts to blow my mind when I see other women walking around, 100 lbs overweight without a stitch of makeup on and girls who couldn't care less about hair, clothes, calories, makeup or magazines... Just out there. Out in the world. Doing... whatever it is normal people do. I dunno. Talking about that girl who seems to be cringing from human interaction and looks too scared to ask for paper instead of plastic, probably.

And I suddenly realize... God, I am so screwed up.

But I want it. I want it so bad. I want skin like plastic, I want glossy bloated lips and arms thin like twigs. I want boobs that don't need a bra, that sit pretty and perky on my empty ribcage. I want to be an alien among my race. A goddess. A fucking goddess.

I want to look like I just climbed out of a fashion magazine.

And the sad part is... I'm not kidding. I'm not being sarcastic. It sounds dumb and gross and crazy but if I could have those things, if I could see a perfect, inhuman nymph in my mirrors every morning..... I don't know. My confidence would still need work, regardless of how I manage to change my body. I don't actually believe that being pretty is going to cure me. 

Anyway. That's pretty much as deep as my ED feelings go. That's the worst of it. 

I'm actually feeling good today though! lol! And noticing how fucked up I feel in public actually makes me happy, lol. It makes me go, "Yes! I'm just unhappy because I'm being irrational! It's okay, Rowan! You can relax! You're just being disordered again! There's no REAL reason to feel so bad!" 


And I CAN and DO relax. =) I'm glad I'm learning to control it. Yay, go me! Haha.
I guess I have a touch of BDD in this mixed-up brain of mine, but I guess that goes with the territory right?


So, today marks the start of hormonal hell. After eating almost nothing all day - 114.5 lbs. CURSE YOU, PERIOD. CURSE YOU ALL TO HELL! I feel so huge and my tummy hurts so, so bad. :( I just want to stab it and release the pressure, argh...


So for a while my weight won't matter since there's nothing I can do about the BLOATIN'. :(

I hate not being able to step on the scale and see a number I like. Haaaate. 




Also, I've pretty much been living on fruit and fruit juices. And then I started reading some curious things, like on SGD and ABC you don't count fruit or veggie calories? That would make my calorie intake for like every day around 100-200 instead of 500. I'm glad I have been counting those calories though. I don't need to convince myself I can fill up the day's calories with unhealthy stuff lol. But it is nice to know I shouldn't feel so guilty about that second banana or the handful of grapes after dinner. :x


I didn't check my comments again, ack! I'll reply soon.
I love you guys! So, so much! <3 <3

Dreams of Dolls & 110

 

"Not to have control over the senses is like sailing in a rudderless ship, bound to break to pieces on coming in contact with the very first rock." -Mohandas Gandhi

I love that romantic idea of being a doll, flawless and lovely, envied and adored...

Anyway. I guess I'm trying to keep my goals in check lately, and really force myself to look at everything I want so I can recognize when it's time to stop. As sad as it makes me, I know I can't be a doll... I've got to figure out what naturally looks best for me.

I like the way bones look. I like my boobs and my butt.

I want to have the best of both.

My ED tendencies make it really hard to find that balance, I know. But I believe that I can. I have great self control when it comes to food. I've proven that to myself. Now I've got to prove I can be in control of my thoughts too.

I can't eat without feeling guilty. I can't live without eating.

I don't want to feel guilty all the time.

I feel so conflicted. Sometimes I feel terribly fat, like I'm being suffocated by all the fat clinging to me. Other times I feel great, I feel thin and pretty! And both times I weigh the same amount. I know the rest of my life is going to be like that. And I've got to stop thinking, "Well either way, if I drop a few pounds I'll be happier than I am now." I find myself thinking it all the time. And right now it doesn't worry me. I'm still healthy. And I'll still be healthy once I drop a few pounds.

But I've got to get control of that before I go too far and lose my boobs and butt. That would really devastate me. I'm not willing to give them up for all the bones in the world, lol!

Anyway!! I'm sorry I ramble so much and never get to the point. Maybe some day I will form one complete thought with a real conclusion, haha! 

SO! I weighed myself when I woke up. 110.5 pounds. I was wearing a bra, panties, t-shirt and PJ pants. I took off the PJ pants. 110 pounds. I don't want to get excited though. I drink a lot of water. And I'm not going to call myself 110 until I start hitting 108, 109 and 110 throughout the day and not going over. I want this to be real, lol.

I keep thinking that just a short time ago I was stuck at 120-125 and felt miserable, and how I've come quite a ways recently. I mean when I started blogging I was 118 lbs. I've lost 8 pounds! Yay! Sometimes I forget the value of that. I just focus on, "Okay, just a few more pounds to go." instead of, "Yes I've lost so much!" 8 pounds is a good chunk. And it's not water weight. I should feel good about that and think about it more often.

And thinking about that and feeling good about that accomplishment instead of acting like it just wasn't good enough for me, Madam High Standards, is going to help me keep control of this diet beast.

I hope you guys believe in me. I sort of do, lol!

It's crazy how different these disordered thoughts can be for everyone.

I use to think of EDs as pretty universal, standard things. 

But they aren't. I see that now.

I know, I know! I am so clueless and such a newbie to all of this. Forgive me. 

Personally I don't believe I will ever need treatment. I'm not going to let myself go too far.

However, before these blogs... I might have. I might not have questioned my control. I really didn't even consider that maybe I wouldn't be able to stop. 

Now I do think about it and try to make some sense out of my disordered thoughts.

I think your blogs have saved my life.....

Omg I'm never going to stop rambling am I? Gosh I'm sorry.

I love you guys, and thank you for everything! <3

Good night!

Oh, no you don't...

Retrospect by *miss-mosh on deviantART

No, no period, please.. Please do not make me crave things. =(

There are just buckets and buckets of Halloween candy sitting around and an autumn breeze wafting the scent of sweet, sinful chocolate around the kitchen and dining room, driving me absolutely mad. I haven't had any of the candy since it entered the house and I have vowed not to have a SINGLE piece, no matter what. If I can help it I'll never have chocolate again, so long as I live.

I keep telling everyone I've eaten a "ton" of candy and just can't stand to eat anymore. I told them today I don't like Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. And they BELIEVED me! Christ what do they think I am anyway...

My boyfriend and I are going to make cupcakes for the party. FUCK!!! Oh man, it's going to take so much to resist them. But atleast with the chaos of the party I'm sure I'll be able to get away with it, just so long as I can say no. 

I'm starting to think 100 lbs isn't a good weight for me. As you can tell, I'm a fan of curves. And while I want to be thin I want to keep my tits & ass, for the most part. And I highly doubt I'd have them at 100. I think once I get down to like 108 I'll see how I feel. I honestly do want to have some flesh. As much as I like the whole skeletal look, I don't think I want it for me. It works much better for tall girls I think. Maybe 105 will be good?

Being at 111/112 right now (my weight varies a lot, I drink a TON of water) feels pretty decent! I feel really close to what I want! Last night I spent a lot of time looking in my mirrors and actually liking 90% of what I saw. It was weird and nice. I haven't spent much time examining myself lately, just watching the number on the scale, so to see visible changes all of a sudden was a great feeling!

It's just that I'm starting to notice the bones in my chest quite a bit now. Which isn't bad, I like them, I just don't know how bone-y I really want to be. It's a tough balance. I'll definitely have toning to do once I get to 105 (or whatever I decide). My arms, butt and thighs all need to be firmer. But lately I feel like I've made really good progress, like I'm very close to what I want.

Here's a picture of my chest (I'll take it down soon):

*picture removed*

I also don't feel like I won't be able to stop 'losing'. I'll still have to eat healthy to maintain anyway, it's not like I'll get to 105 and be like, "Fuck yeah! Cake and icecream for the rest of my life!" I'll still be eating similarly. I just don't have that desire to be just bones. 

Don't get me wrong, that's a look I totally love and still think is gorgeous. I just also like the sex appeal of curves and I don't want to get rid of all of mine. I just want them in the right places, lol, and not overwhelming. Not like girls who are like "Don't be jealous because I have curves!" when everyone else is thinking "Those aren't curves, those are mounds of lard... but okay..." (Yes, I'm an asshole). I like modern pin-ups. Authentic pin-ups are too plump for me, the modern ideals are more to my liking.

Also, I've pretty much mastered my eating techniques. Such as claiming not to like a certain food and passing it to someone else, or just making a mess of it and tossing it at the end of the meal. It's working so well and really making a difference!  

Anyway! Sorry for rambling, as always. I know it's not much fun to read, I just really want to spit out all these thoughts on this blog. It's such a great release. And I really appreciate those of you that do comment, it makes me smile!

<3 Love you guys!!

Looking Through You

"I'm looking through you, where did you go?" -Beatles

I woke up wicked sick this morning, with a cold apparently. Bleh. Had some chicken soup for breakfast, but only ate the broth and maybe three or four noodles. How many calories do you suppose that is? The whole can would have been 100 calories. But just the broth? Ugh I wish I had some way of knowing. I mean I'm not too obsessive. It was all I had to eat all day, until dinner which was probably 300-400 calories, so I'm sure I was probably under 500 calories anyway. 

As for weight it hasn't moved really. Still weighing in at 112 lbs on average. I stepped on the scale earlier and saw "116" and flipped out... then realized I had two pairs of pants, a tank top, a long-sleeve t-shirt, two sweatshirts, slippers and knee-high fleece socks on. :| Needless to say, I weighed a bit less when I took it all off, lmao!! Sometimes my crazy makes me smile. =)

I bought a black petticoat to go under my dress also! I figured I'd wait a little while after Halloween was over, since most cheap petticoats are made for costumes anyway, and they'd all be really cheap once the holiday passed lmao. Right before Halloween I only had maybe four decent options under $20. Today I had hundreds, lol.

Thank you guys so much for the sweet comments! I will comment back when I can! I tend to use up all my alone-time to just post and don't reply, but I read them and I love you guys SO SO MUCH!! And thank you Bella for all of those amazingly sweet thoughts, I adore you and I appreciate the support so much, it means a lot to me that I've touched you like you've touched me. Really. <3 I love you guys!

& I may update more later if I can.

An Ugly Night & Some Clarification

 

Oh Dita Von Teese, how you rock my world.

Last night was rough. I'm not really sure why. I've been more down on myself lately. I do think this blog has had something to do with it, yeah. It's brought feelings to the surface that I was pretending didn't exist. And it's been a roller coaster of emotions since I started posting. I've learned so much about everything from different types of ED's and OCD's to recovery and relapse and so much more. I know what to look out for and I know what extremes I'm not willing to go to. And I know a lot more about myself.

I just want to clarify that I am not anorexic. Yes, I thought I was. I'm strict with my food, but I don't starve myself. In fact, I almost never feel hunger pains. I just restrict, I diet, I exercise. I don't binge and purge and I don't fast. Though I do wish I could fast, I also realize I can't and shouldn't. I've joined this community because I do have ED tendencies and obviously I am trying to lose weight. I have no one else to talk to about these feelings and blogging has been an awesome way to cope. But, comparing my habits to those of everyone else, I don't know what to classify myself as anymore. I don't feel anorexic.

I feel a great connection with all of you ladies and gentlemen struggling with body image and eating disorders, and I hope you understand, even if I don't quite fit and I'm not terribly extreme. I can't rightfully call this "pro-ana". I still love and respect everyone I've met on here, and I want to continue to be a part of this as long as I need it. I take your issues very seriously and take everything you say to heart. Your strengths and weaknesses are beautiful, inspiring, and painful at times. No matter how you are disordered, I sincerely respect you, and I hope you don't hold it against me that I've been clueless and confused lol. I've got issues, I'm just not sure what to call them. =P

Going back to last night... I had a bit of a meltdown. I was thinking about that lovely dress I bought and suddenly realized I would never have the guts to wear it! It's so BARE! I hate my arms and my back, ugh! I almost cried while talking to my boyfriend. It's so hard not to open up to him about how I feel about my body. I trust him with everything else, but I don't want him to worry that I hate myself or that I'm going to starve myself to death - BECAUSE I DON'T/I'M NOT! But I do feel guilty that it's something I sort of keep from him. He knows I'm "modest", as he puts it, and that I want to lose weight, but I'm not sure he knows how hard I try. But I guess it's alright. I don't explain to him any of the other things I do to keep up appearances - make up, skin care, clothing, etc. - so I consider it just another part of my beauty regimen.

Of course he thought I was being cute and silly and calmed me down with that deep, soothing voice of his, and we discussed how to make it better. He sounded like Tim Gunn, "We'll make it work." So we talked about wearing a sweater or shrug, and I thought that would make things much less miserable. 

So today I bought a lovely vintage-inspired black shrug from one of my absolute favorite clothing lines! And I spent about an hour hiking to burn some calories. =) New clothes are so inspiring, especially when I order them and have to wait, lol!

Feeling Motivated + Great Thinspo!

 

Eat for the body you want, not the body you have.

Hey ladies! I'm in a really great mood! I just bought a dress! I hope I did the right thing by ordering a small and not an extra small. The bust size for extra small was too small, but the waist on small is too big, ugh! Curse you, European sizes! My waist is 25 inches, my bust is 32. I guess that's not too bad, but I only started measuring myself recently so I can't compare it to anything else. =/ 

 But it's super adorable! This is what it looks like: 

*picture removed*

I'll be taking this image down in a day or so. I don't want it to further identify me, lol. 

I'm so paranoid, I know. But I'll be wearing it with black tights and long black gloves. It's for a zombie themed party I'm going to.  So I'll be a 50's zombie! I'm a big fan of the movie Fido, hehe!

Gosh I love dresses! I don't like my legs so I'll wear very dark or opaque stockings or tights, but that's okay, I'm confident they'll get better eventually. =) So having this pretty dress on the way is obviously quite motivational for me. I've been everywhere from 110 to 114 lbs. But I haven't gone over 114! =) I drink a LOT of water, so that tends to make my weight change radically throughout the day.

I really need a new scale, and I think I may take that awesome advice and buy one online. ;)

It's really bothersome to have to make sure no one is around so I can weigh myself, since we keep it in a very public area of the house (the living room! wtf!). And I know if I move it I'll be asked why. =/ UGH I want to move out so badly! Not to mention I question those numbers a lot, since it's so old. =/ I hope a new scale won't tell me I weigh more... Hm.

And as mentioned, I've been following the blog Oh Gosh Wow for a while now. It's the most awesome Thinspiration I've ever seen! Some of it is sort-core porn, but it's not like video or anything. I found the image at the top of this blog there!

Follow them! http://ohgoshwow.blogspot.com/

Also, I added a new page: About Rowan

Check it out if you're interested. =) The link is at the top of the page.

Thanks for reading! And yay, I have 10 followers now!

Even though I don't comment on most blogs I do read EVERY post I see!

Stay strong! <3